Wednesday 29th April
The Tories unveil their short-term masochistic plan.
7.30am
Harsh new laws are required to
ensure that the Tories keep their promises. That is according to the Tories,
and this morning they have announced that they will pass a law ensuring that
they cannot raise VAT, National Insurance, or Income Tax.
George Osborne has told us that
we can be sure that this promise will be kept. Sure, George, but what about all
your other promises? Won’t you have to pass laws making it illegal for you to not keep them? That should take up about half the Parliament, and then you can
get on with actually implementing your programme, or governing as it’s
sometimes called.
Unveiling the lock, Osborne said “We
here in the Conservative Party believe in clamping down on liars, bounders and
cads like the Conservative Party. It’s part of our short-term masochistic plan.
We are going to bind ourselves to this commitment and, if we contradict
ourselves, we will bring the full force of the law crashing down on ourselves. That is, unless we change
the law again.”
The suggested sanctions for the
new law range from being sent to the Headmaster, to the cessation of tuck, to having Grant Shapps become your official biographer.
8.15am
Ed Balls has reacted to the
Tories reinforced pledge on not raising VAT.
“I think there’s a good phrase in
the English language: once bitten, twice shy,” he says, from his fortress of
irony.
Ed, if we are once bitten, twice
shy, where the hell does that leave you?
9.22am
There is no denying the fact that
the parties are trading in calm, considered engagement for a blunter instrument, akin to them trying to persuade voters by banging them over the head with an inflatable hammer, repeatedly. It's “Project Fear” from all sides, and so, once again, we’ve got a load of
Balls to get through.
The Shadow Chancellor has been
depicting a dystopian vision of the terrible future under a Conservative
Government: “Not only will they cut neighbourhood policing and your NHS, they
will come around to your house at night and smash up the place, and then sneeze
all over you and give you Spanish Flu, and laugh at your pain because there’s no police to stop them and no
GP to treat you, and then they'll raise VAT and send themselves to jail, but there won't be any jails to go to, because they've all be sold to private companies, and be turned into Travelodges! This is the Britain the Conservatives stand for!"
10.25am
Not to be outdone, David Cameron
is launching his own “Project Fear”, by saying “I’ve seen the books. I know
what needs to be done.”
He keeps on repeating “I’ve seen
the books”, again and again, in a harrowed, distant tone. “I’ve seen the books”, “I’ve seen the books”; before eventually he says "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off
the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the
Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in
rain...”
Strong stuff, and all delivered
with Cameron’s continuing infectious enthusiasm. Look at the rapturous faces
behind him:
That there is the power of
charisma.
Incidentally, the Lid Dems don’t
do Project Fear. They are too upbeat for that. They do Project Total Denial.
1.20pm
Ruth Davidson, Conservative Leader
in Scotland, is Scottish and likes Margaret Thatcher., and she doesn’t care who
knows it. She’s out, loud and proud, and in a tank. Just like Maggie. Come and
have a go if you think you’re hard enough.
4.39pm
The Mili-Brand video is out, and what it consists of is one
person who lives in a world of well-meaning vagueness, talking to another
person who lives in a different world of well-meaning vagueness, culminating in
them vaguely agreeing about life and setting the world to rights. It’s a late-evening chat from university basically.
What’s really odd is that Ed Miliband adopts Tony Blair’s
physicality, legs splayed, resting his left-hand on his knee, whilst firmly gesticulating with his right. Then he begins to talk in Mockney (in his own way): “Look! I’m not
diminishin’ Ruper’ Murdoch, righ’.”
Ed assures Russell that he’s a man who stands up to Rupert
Murdoch. For those who can’t recall what
Ed Miliband standing up to Rupert Murdoch looks like, here’s a picture of him
doing so last summer:
Tomorrow, Russell is interviewing Natalie
Bennett and Caroline Lucas of the Greens, and he says that he is going to them
because they are “women”. Right… Viva la Revolución!
Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
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