Election Diary - Day 40: Solved

Thursday 7th May

10.00pm

The polls have closed and the exit polls are in, and it’s good news for David Cameron. Sort of. They are projected to have increased their seats, but still ten short of a majority. With a return of the Coalition, they would have a majority of two.

It looks like terrible news for Ed Miliband, as he has posted a poorer result than Gordon Brown, but it could be worse. He could be Nick Clegg. It is unclear as to whether he’s held his seat, but his party has been hammered after late predictions they maybe the surprise of election night.

Well, they are. In a way.

The SNP have swamped Scotland by the looks of things, whilst the nation holds it breath to see if Nigel Farage has won South Thanet, as UKIP are predicted two seats.

10.20pm

Paddy Ashdown has said he’ll eat his hat if the exit poll is true, but he has sent out for a hat. Which would suggest that he’s trying to regain trust in the Lib Dems by making a ridiculous promise and keeping it.

10.30pm

A different Exit Poll by YouGov has suggested a milder result, more in keeping with the recent opinion polls. Labour are trumpeting it to the lowlands and the highlands, though not so much to the Highlands.

11.00pm

Now Alastair Campbell has promised to eat his kilt if the predictions for Scotland are correct. Even after the polls have closed, the parties are out-pledging each other. However, this one I really do want carved in stone.

11.05pm

Cameron is hoping and praying that the omens are true, and ringing up Boris to see how the Romans interpreted auguries. Ed Miliband is in disbelief. Nick Clegg is drinking. Nigel Farage is drunk as a Lord, and working out which UKIPers should go to the House of Drunks. Sorry – of Lords.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Manhattan, David Miliband is desperately resisting the urge to call his brother.

Friday 8th May
12.51am

Whatever happened to Lembit Opik? Because he was a Lib Dem who lost his seat catastrophically before it was fashionable.

1.15am

Neil Kinnock makes an appearance, looking harrowed and shaken. Basically like a man who is experiencing terrible flashbacks to 1992.

Meanwhile, the Lib Dems, who have lost £2,000 on deposits so far (after 8 seats declared) have tweeted “Thank you to our members & volunteers - who give their time and money to make our society fairer & freer”. The emphasis very much on the money part.

2.22am

The decapitations begin, and it is the rather nice Douglas Alexander who is the first to go. He was defeated by a 20 year-old student. The SNP swing is huge, but the victor is most courteous to Alexander’s defeat, and Alexander returns the compliment. It is worth saying that a lot of good people will be cut down by the electorate’s scythe across the UK. No doubt good people will be returned, but good people will go.

3.00am

Rumours have been circling that Ed “Ed Balls” Balls’ seat is too close to call. Labour say that the news on this seat is “all Balls”. (I’m keeping that joke in because, if he loses, I won’t be able to make Balls jokes anymore).

3.39am

Reports are rife that Labour have gained a seat from George Galloway. Oh dear. If only he’d dressed up as a cat. Still, I bet that pub he threatened with closure is having the most awesome lock-in right now. (He lost to Labour at 6.08am.)

3.59am

BREAKING NEWS: THE SNP DON’T WIN A SEAT IN SCOTLAND.

EVEN MORE EXTRAORDINARY BREAKING NEWS: THE LIB DEMS HAVE HELD A SEAT!

Alastair Carmichael, the Scottish Secretary, is re-elected, but this raises a question: if the Tories form the next government, who could they possible propose as a Scottish Secretary? The only eligible Scot would be Michael Gove (MP for Surrey Heath). Good luck with that.

4.31am

Boris Johnson is an MP again, and gives his acceptance speech flanked by two loonies (actual, Loony Candidates that is – not members of his campaign). He is delighted that Britain has rejected a return to the 1970s, but is disappointed that it hasn’t endorsed a return to the 1870s

4.36am

Vince Cable loses his seat, and he is the real symbol of the collapse of the Lib Dems. 6 years ago he was the most trusted politician in Britain. Now the Business Secretary is out of business. Lib Dem losses were expected, but this is beyond their worst nightmares. Nick Clegg is quaking in his vulnerable boots.

4.49am

Nick Clegg arrives for his declaration, with a face (and there’s no other way of putting this) like a slapped arse on a dreadful night for his party.

He holds his seat, but to what end? The rumours are that he will look to quit politics “altogether”. He talks of giving remarks on his leadership and the devastating national picture in the morning. The man who took a brave decision five years ago is now walking into a totally different sort of rose garden.

5.23am

Ed Miliband holds his seat, with a significant swing to UKIP, and he delivers the closest thing to an American-style concession speech. He looks like Michael Dukakis, if Dukakis had a big stone he had to find a buyer for.

5.43am

David Cameron holds his Witney seat, and praises the response to the "positive Conservative campaign”. He kept that quiet.

7.15am

There is no denying that this has been an extraordinary, staggering night. The SNP rules Scotland, but David Cameron is destined for Number 10, which makes those of us who were wondering how on earth you cover undisclosed coalition discussions on a satirical blog relieved that we don’t have to keep doing this for yet more days.

The return of a Tory government is no doubt good news for…………… HSBC?

It is undoubtedly bad news for Paddy Ashdown, who is obliged (by oral contract) to eat a hat live on television. If he doesn't, the Lib Dems will lose all credibility.

Oh, wait... hang on a minute. (For what it's worth, he refused to eat the hat in the morning.)

I would like to end on this note. No doubt, this has been a bruising night not just for the Lib Dems but also for the passionate supporters of many parties. It must be noted that, on a night of many decapitations, victorious MPs have sought to give credit to their defeated predecessors where credit is due.

And that is something which much be treasured, and not satirised.

8.03am

“It’s all looking surprisingly simple, isn’t it Liz?” said Philip.

“Indeed,” replied Her Majesty. “Still, it always does from my perpective.”

She turns to Sir Christopher Geidt, her Private Secretary, and says: “Call Sir Humphrey would you? I have some instructions.”

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Very many thanks to everyone who read and enjoyed. The Diaries will return.

Election Diary - Day 39: Polling Day

Thursday 7th May

It is Polling Day, and owing to strict broadcast regulations, there is no coverage of the campaigns until polls close. The BBC explains that “Coverage will be restricted to uncontroversial factual accounts, such as the appearance of politicians at polling stations or the weather.”

So, here is that coverage.

9.00am

The weather is cloudy. People, including Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage and Natalie Bennett have been casting their votes.

9.30am

It’s brightened up a bit. People, including David Cameron and Nicola Sturgeon have been casting their votes.

11.00am

The sun properly came out a moment ago, but there’s a cloud over it at the moment, which is a shame, or not depending on your point-of-view. People have been casting their votes. No famous people though.

11.30am

It’s a lovely day now. People, including Nick Clegg, have been casting their votes. The Warner Brothers have been casting their couch.

6.09pm

It’s a day of waiting and sleeping for the party leaders. To be fair to them, they have been non-stop for almost 40 days and are cream-crackered.

Right now, David Cameron is fast asleep, Nick Clegg is as asleep as the dead and Ed Miliband Is too excited to sleep. Nigel Farage, meanwhile, is on a nap sponsored by Famous Grouse.

7.45pm

Some “Milibandits” have done this to David Cameron’s Wikipedia page. 

At least they claim to be Milibandits. It might have been Grant Shapps.

8.11pm

As the sun begins to set, the party leaders are stirring.

“What time is it?” asked David Cameron.

“Coming up to quarter-past eight darling,” said Samantha.

“Going back to bed. This would be far too early for me on a good day.

8.12pm

“What time is it?” asked Nick Clegg.

“Coming up to quarter-past eight darling,” said Miriam.

“Oh, God. I hoped I’d sleep through the horror of it all.”

8.13pm

“What time is it?” asked Justine Miliband.

“Coming up to quarter-past eight darling,” said Ed. “105 minutes until the exit poll!”

“Then why the hell did you wake me up?”

9.00pm

It is pandemonium at the BBC, as they organise interviews to fill time between the exit poll and the actual results.

“We’ve got a problem,” shouts the editor. “There’s a five minute slot which isn’t filled yet. Nothing’s going to be said. Dimbleby’s just going to have to fill time.”

“Don’t worry. Maybe he’ll just get lost in the middle of a sentence and try to fill it with waffling, and if he gets lost then we can bring Robert Peston on to say words at half their normal speed. Failing that, we’ll go to the Swingometer.”

“Remember,” the editor insists, “We must call it the “Brand New Swingometer”, to make it sound more exciting.”

“Have we made it more comprehensible though?”

“No: less than ever!”

9.30pm

The polls are getting ready to close, and the party leaders are in an unenviable position now. In their living rooms, they are sat waiting and waiting for those all important exit polls, which will give the best indication of how their fate has been sealed.

Will it be a hung parliament? Will someone sneak a majority? Has Clegg held his seat? Will Farage become an MP? Will the SNP take every seat in Scotland? And how will the numbers add up for a potential government? The excitement is palpable. So much so that Lord Kinnock is warming up his vocal chords for a “We’re alright!”

We will probably have a very good idea in half-an-hour. The party leaders, though, will know any second now…

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary - Day 38: Over to You

Wednesday 6th May

1.30am

“I’m so tired Samantha,” said David Cameron, who was now more caffeine than man.

“I know darling, but why did you have to wake me up?”

“I’ve just been to a supermarket.”

“Did you remember the milk?”

“No. I was meeting people on the night shift, but I was so knackered. I just looked at the food and said “Oh, I like turnips”. I can’t go on like this.”

“Come here, darling,” said Samantha as she embraced him. “It’s just one more day of campaigning to go, and then a few weeks of wrangling before they kick you out of office and we can all go back to Oxfordshire.”

“I almost want that at this stage.”

“Really darling?”

He paused. “No. Not really. I like power.”

7.30am

For Ed Miliband, the marathon of a lifetime is almost over. Yesterday, footage emerged of the young Labour Leader as a student politician in Oxford from ITV local news, and now he is just two days away from perhaps becoming Prime Minister.

However, curiously he was known as Ted Miliband. Clearly this was before his mega makeover. Just look at this before and after.

Unrecognisable. But they are the same man, I swear it. After all, both Ed and Ted are fans of posing for the cameras in front of a background of stone.

As for David Cameron, his days at Oxford have been delved into a little further, with the discovery of this photo.

Yes, it’s a hitherto undiscovered Bullingdon Club photo. Which begs the question: did Cameron refuse to pose for any photos at University when not in white tie? Ted was clearly preparing for a career in politics whilst at Oxford. Dave appears to have been preparing for a role in Upstairs, Downstairs.

1.14pm

Telling looks in the eyes of the leaders today. Ed Miliband looks a little bit like a rabbit in headlights, terrified of screwing up at this late stage. David Cameron looks wired on all manner of stimulants. Meanwhile, Nick Clegg has the eyes of a hermit who knows he is soon to pass to a better place.

Talking of zealots, Nigel Farage is wandering through Kent as if he has had a revelation, chanting: “These shy-kippers: they’re real.”

People have been needlessly cynical about the notion of shy-kippers. It’s not that shy-kippers are embarrassed – what would they have to be embarrassed about? It’s that they are just very quiet about their opinions.

I mean, even Robert Blay, UKIP Candidate for North East Hampshire, is very shy about his opinions. Only in private would he reveal that he dislikes the idea of his Tory opponent (Ranil Jayawardena) becoming the first Asian PM so much that he would “personally put a bullet between [Mr Jayawardena]’s eyes”. How timid, but it turned out that the person he revealed this to was journalist for the Daily Mirror. The party has suspended him. If only he’d been even shier.

2.15pm

Harriet Harman has made a late, bold statement of belief in an attempt to convince the voters to trust Labour and vote for them.

She says, and I quote: “Telling lies is a bad thing.”

Like I said, bold.

4.31pm

The diary has noted the dire warnings the parties put out about their opponents being elected. This is as nothing compared to what their supporters are saying and doing.

We have seen Eddie Izzard and Jim Murphy attacked by aggressive protestors in Glasgow. Tory MP Charlotte Leslie’s family has been attacked, with 1,300 litres of oil spilt out onto her parents’ lawn. Throughout the campaign we have seen former Conservative MP Louise Mensch viciously bully the founder of #Milifandom, and there have been more than a few instances of violence involving UKIP. Social media is rife with hatred on all sides, and if anyone is brave enough to state what they think in a civilised way they are liable to be attacked, as actor Tom Conti found today having written an article about switching from Labour to Tory.

As the campaigning stops officially for the parties, it carries on with their supporters on Facebook and Twitter. Not all, but far too many of the same people who have bemoaned negative campaigning in politics, will tell their “Friends” and “Followers” that to vote for the party they disagree with is at best foolish, and at worst downright disgusting.

When support for the parties is evenly split it seems particularly stupid to hold to the belief that people who vote differently are either foolish or an accessory to evil. It is like walking into a room and deciding that two-thirds of the people there are in league with Satan. It is barely above the rhetoric of the Westboro Baptist Church.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary: Day 37 - Battlebuses of Fire

Tuesday 5th March

6.00am

There are two days to go, and the party leaders, who have singularly failed to make any impact on the polls during this campaign, know that if anything is to change it’s going to require an alteration of tactics.

So, they have decided to see who can cover the most distance. Yes, it’s Battlebuses of Fire, as David Cameron is looking at doing the whole country in 36 hours, and Nick Clegg is trying to go from Land’s End to John O’Groats in two days.

Yeah, that’ll crack it.

10.30am

Intriguing revelations about theTory campaign in this morning’s Guardian. David Cameron’s office on the Tory battlebus is known severally as the “love pod”, the “power pod” and the “boss box”. Presumably, it is known as the love pod when Samantha’s on board, the power pod when he’s doing Prime Ministering, and the boss box when he’s chillaxing with a bit of Bruce Springsteen.

12.00pm

The Ed Stone just won’t go away. Lucy Powell, Labour’s Campaign Vice Chair, said on BBC Radio Five Live this morning: “I don’t think anyone is suggesting that the fact that he’s carved them into stone means, you know, means that he will absolutely, you know, not going to break them or anything like that.”

But the whole point of the stone is that it’s in stone. If we can’t trust a stone, who can we trust? Still, who can blame her for getting into a muddle, when she was trying to swim with that bloody thing tied to her feet?

4.15pm

Time to think of the voters, who are of course the most important people in a democracy, right up until the polls close on Thursday night.

All of us have, of course, been involved in the so-called Ground War: the push to win actual votes on local issues. Or have we? I have been speaking with a wide variety of friends, and none of them have actually been visited by any candidates. I haven’t.

I have only received three leaflets, two of which came from the same candidate, Mark Field (Conservative). In the first one, he said he was tackling “aggressive begging”, and in the second he said he was “speaking up for the homeless”. Right…

The other leaflet came from the UKIP candidate. I don’t know what it says when UKIP (who came fourth here last time with 664 votes) have done more to try and engage with me than Labour and the Lib Dems.

This experience has been widely repeated amongst my friends who live in constituencies across the country. Still, it could be worse. We could live in Buckingham where, owing to Parliamentary convention, Labour and the Lib Dems are not running because the Conservative candidate is John Bercow, the Speaker of the House of Commons (he runs not as a Tory but as Speaker Seeking Re-Election).

Today, Mr Bercow has spoken of why this is actually beneficial to his constituents: “There is a flip side of the coin and that is that the Speaker has great access to ministers and gets a deluxe service from ministers in whatever government”.

Well, having spent £20,659 of Parliament’s money on refurbishing the Speaker’s apartments, including the essential DVD Player and Large Screen TV, we can safely say that no one knows deluxe service like John Bercow.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary: Day 36 - Milibandias Endorsed by Spark Notes Anarchist

Monday 4th May

8.10am

Ed Milibandias (you can trust him – he bought a stone) is on BBC Radio 4’s Today Programme. First up, it is the problem of a Labour government needing SNP support.

EM: Well, I want to put a Labour Queen’s Speech before the House of Commons, and I want to get a Labour majority for that Queen’s Speech.

John Humphrys: And you will need support to do that. You will need support from the Scottish National Party.

EM: There’s a very big bird out there.

John Humphrys: We’re in a radio studio in the middle of a building, Ed.

EM: What’s your name?

John Humphrys: It’s John. You know that.

EM: It’s a very important point you raise John, and let me tell you why I won’t be addressing it.

And on it goes.

By the end, Ed is fending off questions about the MiliStone. Humphrys says “A lot of people have laughed about it. Of course they have.”

“Well,” rejoinders Ed, “it’s got people talking.”

Indeed Ed, but when even The Guardian writes on its front page “There isn’t a single sentient being with connecting synapses anywhere in any planet in any universe who could think that was a good idea”, perhaps you should accept that yours is the worst stone since Sisyphus’.

10.30am

Problems for David Cameron this morning, and it’s not just having to work on a Bank Holiday.

Lord Scriven, a Lib Dem ally of Nick Clegg’s, has suggested that Dave told Nick privately that he couldn’t win a majority. Clegg won’t comment on whether this took place, and Cameron claims that he can win a majority. It is a pity that Dave didn’t admit that this conversation took place, as he would then have been a shoo-in for the 2015 No Shit Sherlock Award.

12.15pm

Russell Brand has told his band of non-voters to, well, vote. In a new video entitled “Emergency: VOTE To Start Revolution”. He has endorsed Labour and Ed Miliband in the General Election, having endorsed the Greens in Brighton last week).

The video begins with a summary of Brand’s “Politics Week”, where he has a go at the view of migrants as being a detriment to the economy (where evidence suggests otherwise), before going on to endorse a man who yesterday stood in front of a monolith which pledges in the vaguest possible way: “Controls on immigration”. And we know it will happen, because it’s on a stone.

Then there is an extra bit of the MiliBrand interview (a General Synod of the High Priests of Vague Catchphrases), and it’s Return of the Mockney, as Miliband says “You need a banking system… now, it’s gotta be done in the right way, and it’s gotta be fair”.

After the interview is over, Brand whole-heartedly backs Miliband. “What I heard Ed Miliband say is that if we speak, he will listen.” Very trusting, and no surprise. After all, the man bought a stone.

Expect thousands of revolutionaries to descend on polling stations on Thursday, before discovering that they have to register to vote.

So, Miliband has the questionable endorsement of a multi-millionaire pseudo-anarchist, who has hitherto told people not to vote. Not to worry, because they also have the endorsement of Alan Partridge. Well, Steve Coogan actually, who joins the list of celebs who are backing Labour.

Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Eddie Izzard, Stephen Fry, Stephen Hawking, David Morrissey, Patrick Stewart, Jo Brand, Janet Street-Porter, Ronnie O'Sullivan, David Tennant, Grayson Perry, Paul O'Grady, Jason Isaacs, Michelle Collins, Mathew Horne, Ben Elton, and Delia have all endorsed Ed Miliband, which means he now has more celebrity endorsements than Labour MPs who wanted him to be leader. It looks less like a campaign, and more like the invite list for a garden party.

The Conservatives, meanwhile, have an interesting array of endorsements. Can you spot the odd one out? Michael Bloomberg (American businessman and politician), Bob Dudley (American businessman), Tidjane Thiam (French-Ivorian businessman and former politician), Ron Dennis (businessman), Charles Dunstone (businessman), George Iacobescu (businessman), Stuart Rose (businessman), Paul S. Walsh, (businessman).

So, did you spot the odd one?

No, me neither.

4.40pm

The parties will be putting out their last broadcasts over the next few days, and they are trying to clarify the choice. The Conservatives assure us that if they are not elected it will lead to unprecedented apocalyptic chaos. Labour assure us that if they are not elected it will lead to unprecedented apocalyptic chaos.

The choice is indeed clear. It is disaster, or catastrophe. You all make up your own minds, but I look forward to Friday morning, and awaking in the land of Beelzebub.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary - Days 34 & 35: The Royal Baby and Milibandias

Saturday 2nd May

6.01am

The BBC, knowing the need for balance, are drafting the news story of Kate Middleton going into labour.

“The Duchess of Cambridge has gone into labour. Kensington Palace has been very conservative in managing the media, saying they will be more liberal after the birth. Whilst she was overdue, the Duchess’ doctors had told her “You kip if you want to, particularly if you look a bit green”. Kensington Palace has said that they are hoping for a “Smooth Natal Progression”, or SNP as it’s known.”

“This is good,” says the editor, “But how the fuck do we work Plaid Cymru into this?”

11.26am

The baby has been born and very quickly at that. The parties are now thinking of how best to greet the news, and what to give. For Labour it’s easy: a bouquet of roses. For the others, it’s a bit trickier.

At Conservative Campaign Headquarters, they’ve settled on a Bonsai tree: “Thank God we changed our emblem. I don’t think a flaming torch would have been appropriate.”

The SNP have settled on a painting of the Battle of Bannockburn, and Plaid have sent a biography of Owain Glyndwr, whilst UKIP are sending one English pound.

The Lib Dems, though, are stumped, because St Mary’s Hospital wouldn’t let them bring their live eagle in.

Sunday 3rd May

9.10am

Ed Miliband has announced that he will be putting his election pledges into stone, literally. He has commissioned an 8ft6in-high representation of their six election pledges to be placed in Downing Street's Rose Garden upon him being appointed PM. He says this will counteract the erosion of trust.

This is mysteriously coincidental, for last night I had a dream.

I met a traveller from a future land

Who said: One vast and thoughtless piece of stone

Stands in a grass lawn. Near them on the soil,

Half sunk, a crumbling visage lies, whose grin

And grey-tipped hair and sneer of cold command

Tell that it's electors those passions misread

Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,

The land that mock'd them and the hearts misled.

And on the pedestal these words appear,

"My name is Milibandias, king of kings:

Look on my works ye Mighty, and despair!"

Nothing beside remains: round the decay

Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,

The lone and lowly lands stretch far away.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary: Day 33 - The Coalition Tango

Friday 1st May
I ache for the touch of your lips, dear!

But much more for the power of your whips, dear!

0.00am

Conservative Campaign Headquarters is going on into the night trying to spin The Leaders’ Question Time.

“Remember guys: the line is that Cameron is strong and commanding,” says Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.

Everyone hustled and bustled trying to get the word out, but two aides are concerned.

“Piers, everyone’s saying Dave’s strong and commanding.”

“I know, Nathaniel.”

“And everyone’s tweeting exactly the same thing.”

“I know, Nathaniel.”

There is certainly some strong commanding going on somewhere. #bbcqt pic.twitter.com/5ue3RB7vMS

— Robert Hutton (@RobDotHutton) April 30, 2015

“That looks pretty stupid, doesn’t it Piers?”

“I know, Nathaniel. But it is a very strong, commanding way of being stupid.”

0.31am

Ed Miliband stumbled into his hotel room, to discover Justine Miliband waiting for him.

“Did you see me on Question Time?”

“What’s your name?” asked Justine.

“Err… Ed.”

“Thank you for that question, Ed. It’s a really important question and let me tell you why.”

“You did see it then.”

“Why did you keep on doing that Ed? It was so formulaic. At times it sounded like you were going to say “What’s your name? Elizabeth? And what’s your number, Elizabeth? It’s a great number, Elizabeth, and let me tell you why.” Why do you keep on saying “Let me tell you”? Who’s stopping you? And you stood so close to the audience. Why? So they could smell the musk of your animal magnetism.”

“Look, Justine, let me tell you…”

“Stop it.”

“Alright. I’m going to brush my teeth.” The Labour Leader stood up and began to walk away, but tripped over, trying to cover it up by pretending to wave to Justine.

6.00am

A phone rings out into the calm of the morning.

The Prime Minister answered it, pressing the accept button in a strong, commanding fashion.

“David William Donald Cameron!”

“Mother?”

“You know it was my birthday a few weeks ago.”

“Yes. I got you a gift.”

“I know, darling, and I really do like the signed copy of the manifesto, but is that it?”

“I’m sorry mother, but as you’ll have seen on Question Time last night, owing to my dreadful inheritance there is no money left.

“What are you talking about? Your father and I left you plenty.”

“No, no. Not that inheritance. Didn’t you get the letter I sent you?”

“But that was signed by a Liam Byrne, five-years ago.”

“It’s still valid as a Get Out of Jail Free Card.”

7.00am

Conservative Campaign Headquarters releases a statement:

“David Cameron had a strong, commanding breakfast of Scott’s Porage Oats (because he believes in the Union) and Bovril (the strongest, most commanding of hot drinks).”

10.40am

David Cameron has described this as a “career-defining election”. Well, you can’t say that’s not honest.

4.11pm

There’s a lot of flirting going on. Admittedly, it’s a bizarre form of flirting: like between the last remaining survivors on Earth who don’t actually like each other.

Ed said flatly last night that he would never go out with Nicola. Nicola has sent him an angry text: “You know you’ll never be the man you want to be without me. Mark my words, you’ll come crawling back!”

Ed is saying he’s not going to be flirting with anyone. The tease. Is he playing hard to get?

Dave, meanwhile, has been rather cruel to his ex-wife, Nick. He rings the Lib Dem leader up and says: “Look, we’ve tried it, it was full of good times, but I don’t want to do it again.”

“Oh,” says Nick, trying not to sound hurt, before resorting to a little bit of emotional manipulation. “Well, I do want to do it again. I’m just not sure with whom.” Very coy.

Nigel Farage is coming out as a bit of a swinger. “I could get into bed with Dave. I could get into bed with Dave and Nick. Just so long as we all agree not to holiday on the continent.”

The mood is ostensibly celibate but, when all is said and done, Ed could have a clandestine affair with Nicola (no-one has to know about it, but they’ll cuddle up to each other every time there’s a division), Dave may just end up wandering around as Billy No Mates, whilst Nick will just try and get with whoever has the biggest mandate, like some kind of constitutional gold-digger.
So much for the darkened rooms of coalition negotiations. The best they can hope for is some candlelit rooms, adorned with rose petals and smooth jazz in an attempt to get the mood going, whilst the worst would find the leaders being treated like the pandas in Edinburgh Zoo, being forced to procreate, as it were, whether they like their partner or not.

The Election Diary will return on Sunday with the Weekend Round-Up. Summaries of the election so far will be released across the weekend.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary - Day 32: Sun Stroke

Thursday 30th April

There's a sense of threat in the air. And it's not just the imminent arrival of the Royal Baby.

5.30am

George Osborne was awoken by a phone call from an anonymous number. Groggily, he reached out for his phone, pondered not answering, before thinking that he dare not let any phone call slip by with a week to go until polling day.

“George. I know where the bodies are buried, George,” whispered an unnerving, creepy voice on the other end of the line.

“What?” replied the Chancellor. “How? Look, it was Boris’ idea to have that bacchanal. We didn’t mean to. Things just got strange and out of hand, and then this guy was there…”

“No, no George. Not those bodies. The metaphorical bodies. The fiscal austerity bodies.”

“Danny, is that you?”

“Yes, George. It is I,” replied the Lib Dem Chief Secretary to the Treasury. “Do you remember all those happy times in the Treasury George? Do you? It seems so long ago now, doesn’t it? I’m not going to let you get away with it, George.”

“Away with what?”

“With hiding the child benefit cuts from the electorate. All the children, George. All the poor, little children.”

“Look, Danny…"

“I’ve saved all of your letters George. I keep them in a little box under my pillow. Safe, George. They’re quite safe. But one of them might have found its way to The Guardian.”

“You’re mad Danny. There’s nothing you can gain from this. Nothing. It will just make it harder to form another coalition.”

“But I won’t be in any coalition, will I George?”

Osborne didn’t know how to handle this conversation, and paused trying to think of something to say. Then, suddenly, there was a rat-a-tat-tat heard over the line.

“What was that?” asked George.

“Oh, I was just firing wildly into the air. I like it. It makes me feel… powerful. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to book a holiday in mid-May. I’ll be seeing you, Georgey Boy.”

12.00pm

Imagine The Sun and The Scottish Sun are but one person. They are a loud, shouty person, walking into the pub and declaring their opinions as Gospel, in between wolf-whistling and shouting “Phew! What a scorcher!”

Now, imagine this individual walks into a pub in Gretna Green, near the English-Scottish Border, and he finds a table with two men at it. He sits next to them and simply begins.

“Cor, mate. This election mate. Cor. Who you gonna vote for? Who you gonna vote for?”

“I don’t know,” responds an Englander.

“Oh, mate. Its gotta be the Tories mate. Gotta be the Tories. Do you want that Ed Miliband in Downing Street? We can’t let this country be run by the SNP. Can’t let that happen.”

The other person at the table, a Scot, chirps up: “I’m thinking of voting for the SNP.”

Sun man suddenly shifts in his seat to face the Scotsman, and in the course of this puts a Tartan hat on (with attached, ginger wig), and begins to talk in a broad Scottish accent.

“Yeah, pal. Love the SNP. Got to vote for them. Cannae have anyone else. I love that Nicola Sturgeon. She looks like Princess Leia.”

“No she doesn’t,” says the Englishman.

Sun man turns around again, whipping off his hat, and returning to a Cockney accent: “She does in my mind, mate. Phew! What a scorcher!”

That is what The Sun has done today. In Scotland at least, they write the people’s leading articles: they must follow them.

2.15pm

“Hello, this is Kensington Palace. How can I help you?”

“Hello, this is James Harding, Head of BBC News. Wondering if there’s been any movement on the baby front.”

“No. We’ll let you know if there is anything.”

“You see, we’re wondering if this can be moved on a little.”

“Moved on?”

“Well, there’s this election in a week’s time.”

“Is there? We don’t give much attention to elections here. Clarence House does. Their Letter Writing Department need to know which name to put on the envelopes.”

“Well, if this child should clash with the election, it will put an unbearable strain on our news staff.”

“As unbearable as having an entire human being emerging from your lower regions?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Well, the Duchess does and she couldn’t give a toss about your concerns.”

“Could you see if there’s anything you could do?”

“All I can say, Mr Harding, is stand by your beds.”

4.49pm

Rumours continue to be rife that the Royal Baby is on its way, particularly after Kensington Palace gave us this amusing tweet.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge introduce their son Prince George to the world for the 1st time #ThrowbackThursday pic.twitter.com/MtGAZWKpr3

— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) April 30, 2015

The news is greeted by the party leaders, preparing for tonight’s Question Time.

Nick Clegg says: “If it’s true, this is terrible news. It will distract from tonight’s Question Time.”

Ed Miliband says: “If it’s true, this is terrible news. It will distract from tonight’s Question Time.”

And David Cameron says: “If it’s true, this is wonderful news. It will distract from tonight’s Question Time.”

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary - Day 31: "Bang Up Those Lying Tories", say Shifty-Looking Tories

Wednesday 29th April

The Tories unveil their short-term masochistic plan.

7.30am

Harsh new laws are required to ensure that the Tories keep their promises. That is according to the Tories, and this morning they have announced that they will pass a law ensuring that they cannot raise VAT, National Insurance, or Income Tax.

George Osborne has told us that we can be sure that this promise will be kept. Sure, George, but what about all your other promises? Won’t you have to pass laws making it illegal for you to not keep them? That should take up about half the Parliament, and then you can get on with actually implementing your programme, or governing as it’s sometimes called.

Unveiling the lock, Osborne said “We here in the Conservative Party believe in clamping down on liars, bounders and cads like the Conservative Party. It’s part of our short-term masochistic plan. We are going to bind ourselves to this commitment and, if we contradict ourselves, we will bring the full force of the law crashing down on ourselves. That is, unless we change the law again.”

The suggested sanctions for the new law range from being sent to the Headmaster, to the cessation of tuck, to having Grant Shapps become your official biographer.

8.15am

Ed Balls has reacted to the Tories reinforced pledge on not raising VAT.

“I think there’s a good phrase in the English language: once bitten, twice shy,” he says, from his fortress of irony.

Ed, if we are once bitten, twice shy, where the hell does that leave you?

9.22am

There is no denying the fact that the parties are trading in calm, considered engagement for a blunter instrument, akin to them trying to persuade voters by banging them over the head with an inflatable hammer, repeatedly. It's “Project Fear” from all sides, and so, once again, we’ve got a load of Balls to get through.

The Shadow Chancellor has been depicting a dystopian vision of the terrible future under a Conservative Government: “Not only will they cut neighbourhood policing and your NHS, they will come around to your house at night and smash up the place, and then sneeze all over you and give you Spanish Flu, and laugh at your pain because there’s no police to stop them and no GP to treat you, and then they'll raise VAT and send themselves to jail, but there won't be any jails to go to, because they've all be sold to private companies, and be turned into Travelodges! This is the Britain the Conservatives stand for!"

10.25am

Not to be outdone, David Cameron is launching his own “Project Fear”, by saying “I’ve seen the books. I know what needs to be done.”

He keeps on repeating “I’ve seen the books”, again and again, in a harrowed, distant tone. “I’ve seen the books”, “I’ve seen the books”; before eventually he says "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain...”

Strong stuff, and all delivered with Cameron’s continuing infectious enthusiasm. Look at the rapturous faces behind him:

That there is the power of charisma.

Incidentally, the Lid Dems don’t do Project Fear. They are too upbeat for that. They do Project Total Denial.

1.20pm

Ruth Davidson, Conservative Leader in Scotland, is Scottish and likes Margaret Thatcher., and she doesn’t care who knows it. She’s out, loud and proud, and in a tank. Just like Maggie. Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.

4.39pm

The Mili-Brand video is out, and what it consists of is one person who lives in a world of well-meaning vagueness, talking to another person who lives in a different world of well-meaning vagueness, culminating in them vaguely agreeing about life and setting the world to rights. It’s a late-evening chat from university basically.

What’s really odd is that Ed Miliband adopts Tony Blair’s physicality, legs splayed, resting his left-hand on his knee, whilst firmly gesticulating with his right. Then he begins to talk in Mockney (in his own way): “Look! I’m not diminishin’ Ruper’ Murdoch, righ’.”

Ed assures Russell that he’s a man who stands up to Rupert Murdoch.  For those who can’t recall what Ed Miliband standing up to Rupert Murdoch looks like, here’s a picture of him doing so last summer:

Tomorrow, Russell is interviewing Natalie Bennett and Caroline Lucas of the Greens, and he says that he is going to them because they are “women”. Right… Viva la Revolución!

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.