Thursday 3rd December
6.00am
Hilary Benn wakes up. Same time as he does every day.
Nothing feels any different from any other day.
6.01am
Hilary Benn’s phone rings. He answers
“Hampsted 001138, Benn Household, Mr Benn speaking.”
“Is it safe?” says the posh voice on the other end of the
line.
“I hope so,” says Mr Benn. “I’m still in my pyjamas”.
“You cannot know who I am.”
“You sound like Tristram Hunt.”
“No, no. I’m definitely not him.”
“I’ll take your word for it,” said Mr Benn, putting his
trade mark specs on.
“I am a member of the insurgency.”
“Insurgency?” asked Hilary.
“Against Jeremy Corbyn.”
“I thought he was the insurgency.”
“We’re the insurgency against the insurgency,” said the posh
voice.
“That’s rather confusing. Like a party with a leader and
foreign secretary with completely different foreign policies.”
“Okay. We’re like the rebellion in Star Wars.”
“Don’t let a Corbynista hear you say that,” warned Mr Benn. “They’ll
beat you to death with a plastic lightsabre.”
“The point is – we’re trying to save the Labour party from
Corbyn.”
“Oh, but he’s a decent man and he has a mandate,” said Mr
Benn.
“No! Hilary – your speech last night. It’s changed the way
people see you. People are talking of you as a future leader. A future Prime
Minister.”
“Oh – I’m not interested in that. I just want to do my job and
my duty and then come home and cook excellent vegetarian food, washed down with
ginger beer.”
“No!” said the voice once more. “It has to be you.”
“Look, last night I just spoke from my conscience and said
what I thought was right.”
“Yes, and it was the first time a Labour moderate did that
since Robin Cook. It was electrifying.”
“I just want to go and have my Corn Flakes and go to work.”
“Look – when Corbyn speaks from his conscience, all of his
fans think that he’s some kind of vegan, atheist Jesus. When one of us speaks
from his conscience, the Corbynistas think that we’re evil, agnostic Jesus. But
you could be different.”
“I want an atmosphere of free debate and to work with the
elected leader of the Labour Party.”
“Fine!” shouted the angry voice. “Do you not want power?”
“No.”
“Oh,” replied the other voice, audibly shocked. “Really? I
don’t understand.”
“I just spoke my mind not because I wanted to advance my
career but because I thought it was right. You’d think that a supporter of
Corbyn would admire that.”
“You think they might?” asked the voice.
“I hope they will,” said Benn.
“Good luck with that.”
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