NByNW Diary: Bidding Process to host EU Referendum Result "Mired in Secrecy"

10^th December

Manchester has the won the not-so-much coveted right to host the result of the EU referendum. The Electoral Commission announced the news this morning, but has attracted criticism for not holding a formal bidding process and there are even accusations of corruption.

No sooner had the EC announced the decision, then Cornwall announced that they were launching a probe into possible corruption, using a legal team drawn from their large French population.

“It is highly suspicious,” said the Mayor of Truro, who had led their David-versus-Goliath bid to host the result. “There’s been no transparency in this. What has Manchester got that Truro hasn’t?”

The Electoral Commission says that the decision was made after much consideration and has nothing to do with throwing yet another bone to the publicity machine behind the idea of a Northern Powerhouse.

The decision has drawn much interest from international figures. Seb Coe said that he was sure that the bids were considered properly, although there doesn’t seem to be much evidence supporting that view.

International expert on secretive bidding processes Sepp Blatter said “The Electoral Commission was in a battle between the devil and the angels, and I have no doubt that the authorities have sided with the angels. In this case, the angels of Manchester. If anything, their bidding process has not been secretive enough.”

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The Sepp Blatter School of PR, sponsored by Coca-Cola and The Brown Envelope Company

“Good morning class. My name is Mr Blatter, but you can call me Don Corleone. Today we shall be covering how you deal with corruption scandals engulfing your organisation and senior colleagues being arrested. Vladimir, how would you deal with this news?”

“I do not have to deal with it as I am the one who would have arrested my colleagues.”

“Okay, but David: how do you deal with it? Imagine if, for example, your Director of Communications were arrested.”

“I don’t have to imagine.”

“Well, how did you deal with it?”

“Frankly, I didn’t know what to do.”

“Oh,” said Sepp. “It is easy. You say this is a great day for your organisation, that it is a result of investigations you started, and then you give everyone Rolexes until they stop asking questions.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said David.

“That’s outrageous,” said François.

“That’s expensive,” said Vladimir. “All those Rolexes! Still, the thinking is good.”

“Now,” said Sepp. “What about the implications for you personally? François? Do you take responsibility for the conduct of your organisation?”

“Mais oui. You are in charge. You are the leader. You are responsible.”

“Wrong!” screamed Sepp. “No – you cannot be everywhere at one time. What if you are on holiday, or at a football match, or having croissants with your mistress in a Paris atelier? You can’t be expected to keep track of everything with such a busy schedule. Just say you are committed to setting things right, and give money to anyone who wants to buy an apartment for their cats.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said François.

“That’s outrageous,” said David.

“The man’s a genius,” said Vladimir.

“Finally,” Sepp continued, “how do you deal with elections when a scandal like this has broken?”

“Hold your wife close and prepare for oblivion,” said David.

“Hold your mistress close and prepare for oblivion,” said François.

“I have no idea what you guys are talking about,” said Vladimir.

“You are right Vladimir,” said Sepp. “These guys are pessimists. You just carry on regardless, safe in the knowledge that you have sprayed enough money around to secure half of the votes.”

“What?” spurted David.

“What?” scoffed François.

“What?” exclaimed Vladimir. “Only half? So brave.”

“That concludes today’s lesson class,” said Sepp. “Just one more thing. Angela – why do you never turn up in short shorts like I ask?”