The North by North Westminster Diary: Jakey Cries to Nanny

Tuesday 27^th October

The fallout from yesterday’s dramatic blocking of Tax Credit cuts by the House of Lords is in full swing. Gideon Osborne is wandering from news camera to news camera trying to looking like a sixth form swat who’d just been given detention, and in the manner of such smart alecs is raging at the injustice which has surely landed them in it, rather than focussing on his own lack of judgement.

But spare a thought for the no doubt exhausted Jacob Rees-Mogg, who has been speaking of this grand constitutional upheaval for a week now. At least, I think that’s what he’s saying. It sort of gets lost in a blaze of dates and names. He’s like a proto version of the Hulk. When he gets angry, he turns into a grey giant, lecturing on obscure history.

No doubt last night, he retired to home in and was greeted by his nanny bearing a mug of Ovaltine.

“I don’t understand it, nanny” he says. “Why can’t ordinary people understand the enormous violation of the privilege of the House of Commons, established in 1678? It speaks of the execrable state of our education system that the common man cannot converse on this. The sooner we carpet the provinces with Grammar Schools, the better.

“I fear the repetition of Earl Grey’s attempt to create more peers. He’s my favourite Prime Minister, Earl Grey. Such a fine name for a politician.”

“I don’t know poppet,” replies nanny. “Does this measure not attract the ire of 1702 resolution, codified as Standing Order 53?”

“Don’t be silly, nanny! Of course it doesn’t. Even a street urchin could see that. Have you been at the grog again?”

“Well I needed something to help me get through all of your speeches.”

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Lordy, Lordy. The Peers are the Champions of the Poor

Monday 26^th October

The House of Lords has awoken from its statutory slumber. The place which is normally used as a cure for insomnia has suddenly become a place of grand excitement, as they have voted to delay the Government’s highly controversial changes to tax credits.

This leaves George Osborne fuming and forced to present a number of transitory measures. In his press pool interview, he repeats the phrase “unelected Lords” like he was John McDonnell saying “embarrassing”.

Constitutional upheaval is promised, but what form that might take is as yet unclear. The hot favourite is that George and David will create many more of the “unelected Lords” they despise so much.

If you are interested in becoming a Tory peer, please send an application to:

I Want £300 a Day to Be Blindly Obedient

PO Box 0001

Westminster

SW1 1AB

For more detail on the ramifications and how the Queen’s Corgis may become involved, watch this clip from our forthcoming podcast here:

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Only One Direction for Rees-Mogg - Back to the Past

Wednesday 21^st October

The migrant crisis really is just getting worse. There was a full two minute piece about it on the news, and we saw these poor people being herded about the place, all hopeful and expectant, and then being told by a man to go home, and they wept and they wailed. It was a real scene of human misery.

Later, it transpired that this was actually about the cancellation of a One Direction gig. Two minutes coverage on the lunchtime news. The arrival of 114 people on boats at a British base in Cyprus received a cursory mention. Proportionate news broadcasting at its best.

Meanwhile, Wednesday brought another round of Prime Minister’s Questions and Jeremy Corbyn delivered his most assured performance yet, but whenever he had Cameron unsettled, he changed subject.

Tax credits featured heavily, but only one man has identified the real issue. As ever, the matter has only been truly analysed by the searing, contemporary scrutiny of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Yes, the Member for the 19^th Century is worried about the widespread speculation that the House of Lords will chuck out the credit cuts, despite the fact that the Commons has now backed the plans twice.

Now, the Tories don’t have a majority in the Lords, and opposition Peers feel they are entitled to vote against the measure because:

a) it wasn’t in the Tory manifesto, and

b) the piece was introduced as secondary legislation, rather than a finance bill.

On Back to the Future Day, Rees-Mogg’s question took us back to 1678, and led to accusations that he was being “disingenuous” with his critiques of “the other place”.

However, it does seem like a delicious irony that the left may end up thanking their lucky stars when the deliverance from tax credit cuts comes from the House of Lords.

After all, it’s an anachronistic and undemocratic institution: but it works!

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