Saturday, June 13, 2015

The Weekly Diary: 8th June - 12th June

Cameron Crosses the Rubicon, Quickly Rows Back Over It

Monday 8th June
7.00am
The Prime Minister summons a conference call of senior Tories.
“Right, look here you plebs! I have given you the majority you craved for across two decades and my message is clear: I am your Caesar!”
To which Boris started coughing heavily, before the Prime Minister continued: “The thing about Caesars is that if they are not obeyed, it is the masses who suffer. So, you will obey my commands on Europe, or it’s the Colosseum for you. Have I made myself clear?”
7.00pm
After a long day in politics, the Prime Minister reconvenes the conference call.
“I think what I said earlier might have been misconstrued. When I said “I am your Cesar”, I meant the puppy on the dog food.
“What do you mean you can hear me spelling it differently?”

Tuesday 9th June
The politicians, they keep on campaigning, and at present MPs are manoeuvring over the chairs of the Commons Select Committees, elections for which are due next week. The race for Chair of the Health Select Committee, where Conservative MP David Tredinnick is in the running, has attracted some attention. He said in January that he thinks that astrology should be used in medicine.
He believes that opposition to astrology is driven by “superstition, ignorance and prejudice”. Critics suggest that opposition is also driven by “facts”, but they ignore the fact that Mr Tredinnick is highly intelligent and applies his knowledge to practical matters. We know this because he is a Capricon.

Wednesday 10th June
David Miliband has spoken out over his sadness and pain over his brother’s electoral failure. He has done so very aware that any comment he makes on this particular subject might well be perceived as an act of schadenfreude. Fortunately, we have a translator on hand who is fluent in schadenfreude.
David Miliband said that the nature of Labour’s pitch to voters made him “very fearful of the consequences”. This translates as “my brother completely screwed up his election campaign”.
Miliband went on with: “I have to say that any sense of vindication is massively outweighed by a sense of frustration and anger about what's going to happen to the country.” Which translates as “I have a tremendous sense of vindication, and that makes me angry and frustrated because I could have beaten those bastards.”
Mr Miliband is returning to these shores in a speech in September, and is rumoured to be planning a sequel in a by-election near you any month now.

Thursday 11th June
George Osborne was at the swanky Mansion House dinner last night, where he announced the sell-off of government shares in RBS at a loss of £7 billion. This has raised some consternation, as the Tories seem to be so totally against deficits of any kind.
Mr Osborne was unable to answer questions on the issue this morning, presumably because he was recovering from the Mansion House dinner, but the rumour is that the move is actually a brilliant attempt to avoid capital gains tax. After all,  the Treasury doesn’t like spending money when it doesn’t need to. Not even to itself.

Friday 12th June
As our relations with Europe come under scrutiny, it highlights the many differences between our island nation and our continental cousins. Differences which have been underlined today by yet another case concerning Dominique Strauss-Khan – formerly both head of the IMF and a French Presidential hopeful. Today he was cleared of charges of “aggravated pimping” – these were accusations of him having arranged for prostitutes to attend an orgy he was orgasming organising.
Now, we must be clear that Mr Strauss Khan was found innocent of these charges, and as far as we can legally allowed to be concerned, that’s that. However, it doesn’t quite get to the bottom of the fact that the French have a crime of “aggravated pimping”. Perhaps, I am na├»ve, but what on earth is “aggravated” pimping?
A convicted aggravated pimp explained what happened in his case:
“Well, I was pimping, as I normally did, and then I made a terrible mistake and aggravated my pimping. And my groin injury.”
But what’s the difference between pimping and aggravated pimiping? He explains: “If you’re running prostitutes around town, that’s pimping. If you’re running them around town in a Chevrolet, with the hood down and gold hubcaps, that’s aggravated pimping.”

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

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