The Weekly Diary: 18th May to 22nd May

Strictly Balls as Swearing MPs Go Back to School

Monday 18^th May

It’s the first day of school, as MPs return to the Commons. John Bercow is returned as Speaker without opposition, having been seconded by Jacob Rees-Mogg, the MP for the 19^th Century, who did not disappoint by giving us a potted history of Commons Speakers in the 19^th Century.

Then it’s onto opening speeches. School Bully and Prime Minister David Cameron has to try and not look smug about his unexpected majority. He does not succeed.

After Labour’s Caretaker-in-General, Harriet Harman, we rattle through the minor parties, whilst on-looking politicos play the near-impossible game of “Spot a Lib Dem”. It is a game that Mr Bercow fails at completely, because he forgets to call upon Alastair Carmichael to give a speech for the party. No sign of Nick Clegg. He’s probably nursing his hangover. Or refuelling it.

Tuesday 19^th May

Today will see a lot of MPs swearing. The Lords, who are much more up for this sort of thing, were swearing yesterday and will continue to do so for most of the week.

I speak of oaths of course, or affirmations, as these days there’s a lot of flexibility allowing members to exclude God but not the Queen, stating an order of priority that may not have gone down well upstairs. Numerous MPs have argued that the oath should be to their constituents. Other meaningful suggestions may include swearing to good accounting.

When the swearing did finally take place, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband stood and chatted together. No doubt they have discovered a strange kinship in the last few weeks. Or maybe Nick wanted advice on where he could get a good gravestone made.

Wednesday 20^th May

UKIP insists that it’s not on fire. Nigel Farage declared this whilst standing in front of some burning party offices, and said that this whole “No smoke without fire thing” was a myth promoted by immigrants and the BBC.

Then Suzanne Evans emerged, her face sooty, her dress charred, saying that they are all united and any appearance of disunity or combustion of any kind was not supported by the evidence of people lashing out at Farage and then being fired.

Sacked, sorry. Sacked. Not fired. There is no fire.

Rumours are spreading that Ed Balls is going to be a guest on Strictly Come Dancing. Sources close to the former Labour MP say that Mr Balls is working on the agility of the balls of his feet, and that he is preparing for a ballsy attempt to win the Glitter Balls Trophy.

Meanwhile, advice from our new travel correspondent, Ed Miliband, who says: “Have you been to Ibiza? I recommend it. You don’t have to go raving.” Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, Ed.

Thursday 21^st May

Bad news for the Government. Net migration figures have risen by 50% to 318,000 last year, just under the 2005 record high. This leads to an extraordinary day for a Westminster Lobby Journalist.

First he goes up to a Labour politician.

“What do you have to say about the immigration figures?”

“They’re shocking. The Tories are useless.”

“What would you do?”

“Well, it’s a major issue, but one thing I do know is that the Tories are useless.”

Then he goes up to a Lib Dem politician.

“What do you have to say about the immigration figures?”

“They’re shocking. The Tories are useless.”

“Weren’t you responsible for these figures too? They were measured under the Coalition.”

“Yes, but we could have done so much better, if we hadn’t been held back by our Coalition partners.”

“What would you have done?”

“Well, it’s a major issue, but one thing I do know is that the Tories are useless.”

Then he goes up to a UKIP politician.

“What do you have to say about the immigration figures?”

“They’re shocking. The Tories are useless.”

“What would you do?”

“SEND THEM ALL BACK!”

This left the journo very depressed. The only party to suggest anything was UKIP, and they’re suggestion was… well, very UKIP.

Friday 22^nd May

Oh, to be in Riga, now that spring is here! It’s the perfect destination for romance, history, and tentative renegotiations of Britain’s relationship with the European Union. So it is that David Cameron, who loves a holiday, has gone there for a spot of all three of those.

It’s the first stage, which sees the PM mount a charm offensive. He says that there will be "lots of noise, lots of ups and downs along the way", which sounds pretty typical for a Cameron charm offensive. Later he says he was “not met with a wall of love”. Really? Him? How extraordinary?

Eric Pickles, meanwhile, is to be knighted. Recently ousted from government, Sir Eric has become the anti-corruption tsar, which begs a question: why would you call the person in charge of tackling corruption a tsar? 

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

The Weekly Diary - May 11th to May 15th

Chuk on. Chuk off.

Monday 11^th May

The morning after the earthquake before. As the aftermath of the extraordinary election sinks in across the political spectrum, the Prime Minister reshuffles his ministerial team. Politicos love a Reshuffle: it’s like a post-election night cap.

He tweets on the position of Boris Johnson:

Boris Johnson will be attending my Political Cabinet. As promised, he will devote his attention to his final year as Mayor of London.

— David Cameron (@David_Cameron) May 11, 2015

So, he attends the Political Cabinet, but Mr Cameron leaves speculation open as to whether he shall attend the Drinks Cabinet.

Grant Shapps has been demoted from Conservative Party Chairman to Minister of State for International Development. Which is odd because his Wikipedia page declares him to be KING OF ALL HERTFORDSHIRE!

Ed Miliband, meanwhile, is on holiday in Ibiza, where he will no doubt resume his hinterland career as a major clubber and DJ. No word on Nick Clegg, who presumably is still taking a decision on whether to laugh or cry.

Elsewhwere, UKIP’s National Executive has rejected Nigel Farage’s resignation. Yes – on the third day, he did indeed rise again, and it is the Return of the Gurn. On Victoria Derbyshire this morning, Farage said that he was "enjoying life much more" having resigned. He must be devastated by this turn of events.

David Miliband has given an interview to the BBC which criticised his brother’s election approach. Some may think that this is ripe for the old Miliband of Brothers jokes, but I don’t wish to take this diary back to 2010. We need to build on the old jokes and move forward.

Tuesday 12^th May

The Downing Street Press Corps have a problem. They cannot see a new person coming down the street without shouting a question at them. As the government reshuffle continues, they’ll be in the middle of a live broadcast, when they’ll suddenly turn and shout “Do you know what you’ve got?”

Do they do this all the time? Do they suddenly interrupt al fresco lunches by turning to a passer-by and shouting “Where did you get those shoes?”

The Labour leadership contest is gathering pace. With Liz Kendall having declared over the weekend, Chuka Umunna has announced his candidacy today via a guerrilla-style video on Facebook. Chuka comes from Streatham (yay!), but worked as a solicitor in the City of London (boo!), and thereby can expect a visit from the Un-lefty Activities Committee.

Wednesday 13^th May

The Ed-Stone has apparently been discovered by The Guardian’s Patrick Wintour:

For those in search of the #EdStone I have the first clue. It is in a garage in South London under lock adnd key. More follows.

— Patrick Wintour (@patrickwintour) May 13, 2015

Journalists have rushed there, but a Mr H. Jones, popularly known as Indy, has struck a note of caution, suggesting that “they’re digging in the wrong place”.

The Tories have decided to unveil their controversial plans to tackle extremism. It’s all rather foggy, but Theresa May says the bill will target “those who are out there actively trying to promote this hatred and intolerance which can lead to division in our society and undermines our British values.”

On that description, this bill is potentially fatal for the 1922 Committee of Conservative Backbenchers.

Thursday 14^th May

UKIP is on fire.

Since Nigel Farage’s unresignation he has got into a terrible row with his only MP over the £650,000 of short money he’s entitled to. This featured Douglas Carswell achieving the logical end of his political career by rebelling against himself.

Now, the knives are out. Patrick O’Flynn, who ran UKIP’s General Election campaign, has described Farage as a “snarling, thin-skinned, aggressive” man who is making UKIP look like a “personality cult”. Perhaps the pinnacle of the coverage of this came when the BBC’s Norman Smith tried to report the “personality cult” bit and missed by one letter, committing the “Jeremy Hunt, Culture Secretary” gaffe.

In an attempt to pour oil on the waters, Mr Carswell has announced that he will not be resigning his own whip and becoming an independent, declaring that he is “passionately UKIP”.

Carswell says rumours he'll quit are absolutely not true

— Laura Kuenssberg (@bbclaurak) May 14, 2015

So, given UKIP’s recent history, we can expect him to be gone within three days. Which is a shame because, controversial though he is, he seems to be the only UKIPer who isn’t a total cult.

Friday 15^th May

A shock today as Chuka Umunna dropped out of the Labour leadership race, citing discomfort at the scrutiny such a step takes. Which is a bit like Usain Bolt quitting 2 yards into a 100 metre dash, saying “I didn’t realise it would be this fast”.

Of course, the press had branded him as the “UK’s Obama”, having noticed several similarities between the two. Such as him being not white, and… being subject to nuanced media profiles. Now, the tabloids are devastated by the move. Sure, they get to use headlines like “Chuk-ed it”, “Umunna-and-ahh-ing”, and “Chuk Off” tomorrow. However, if he’d become leader, they could have done that for five years at least.

The Tories, meanwhile, are delighted with the news, as Mr Umunna was the one they feared. Now people are talking about a Labour leadership election re-occurring in 2018. Two years earlier than they expected: well, that’s progress.

P.S.
Nick Clegg has been sighted, in a pub in Sheffield, doing to his liver what the country did to him:

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.