The Weekly Diary: 18th May to 22nd May

Strictly Balls as Swearing MPs Go Back to School

Monday 18^th May

It’s the first day of school, as MPs return to the Commons. John Bercow is returned as Speaker without opposition, having been seconded by Jacob Rees-Mogg, the MP for the 19^th Century, who did not disappoint by giving us a potted history of Commons Speakers in the 19^th Century.

Then it’s onto opening speeches. School Bully and Prime Minister David Cameron has to try and not look smug about his unexpected majority. He does not succeed.

After Labour’s Caretaker-in-General, Harriet Harman, we rattle through the minor parties, whilst on-looking politicos play the near-impossible game of “Spot a Lib Dem”. It is a game that Mr Bercow fails at completely, because he forgets to call upon Alastair Carmichael to give a speech for the party. No sign of Nick Clegg. He’s probably nursing his hangover. Or refuelling it.

Tuesday 19^th May

Today will see a lot of MPs swearing. The Lords, who are much more up for this sort of thing, were swearing yesterday and will continue to do so for most of the week.

I speak of oaths of course, or affirmations, as these days there’s a lot of flexibility allowing members to exclude God but not the Queen, stating an order of priority that may not have gone down well upstairs. Numerous MPs have argued that the oath should be to their constituents. Other meaningful suggestions may include swearing to good accounting.

When the swearing did finally take place, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband stood and chatted together. No doubt they have discovered a strange kinship in the last few weeks. Or maybe Nick wanted advice on where he could get a good gravestone made.

Wednesday 20^th May

UKIP insists that it’s not on fire. Nigel Farage declared this whilst standing in front of some burning party offices, and said that this whole “No smoke without fire thing” was a myth promoted by immigrants and the BBC.

Then Suzanne Evans emerged, her face sooty, her dress charred, saying that they are all united and any appearance of disunity or combustion of any kind was not supported by the evidence of people lashing out at Farage and then being fired.

Sacked, sorry. Sacked. Not fired. There is no fire.

Rumours are spreading that Ed Balls is going to be a guest on Strictly Come Dancing. Sources close to the former Labour MP say that Mr Balls is working on the agility of the balls of his feet, and that he is preparing for a ballsy attempt to win the Glitter Balls Trophy.

Meanwhile, advice from our new travel correspondent, Ed Miliband, who says: “Have you been to Ibiza? I recommend it. You don’t have to go raving.” Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, Ed.

Thursday 21^st May

Bad news for the Government. Net migration figures have risen by 50% to 318,000 last year, just under the 2005 record high. This leads to an extraordinary day for a Westminster Lobby Journalist.

First he goes up to a Labour politician.

“What do you have to say about the immigration figures?”

“They’re shocking. The Tories are useless.”

“What would you do?”

“Well, it’s a major issue, but one thing I do know is that the Tories are useless.”

Then he goes up to a Lib Dem politician.

“What do you have to say about the immigration figures?”

“They’re shocking. The Tories are useless.”

“Weren’t you responsible for these figures too? They were measured under the Coalition.”

“Yes, but we could have done so much better, if we hadn’t been held back by our Coalition partners.”

“What would you have done?”

“Well, it’s a major issue, but one thing I do know is that the Tories are useless.”

Then he goes up to a UKIP politician.

“What do you have to say about the immigration figures?”

“They’re shocking. The Tories are useless.”

“What would you do?”

“SEND THEM ALL BACK!”

This left the journo very depressed. The only party to suggest anything was UKIP, and they’re suggestion was… well, very UKIP.

Friday 22^nd May

Oh, to be in Riga, now that spring is here! It’s the perfect destination for romance, history, and tentative renegotiations of Britain’s relationship with the European Union. So it is that David Cameron, who loves a holiday, has gone there for a spot of all three of those.

It’s the first stage, which sees the PM mount a charm offensive. He says that there will be "lots of noise, lots of ups and downs along the way", which sounds pretty typical for a Cameron charm offensive. Later he says he was “not met with a wall of love”. Really? Him? How extraordinary?

Eric Pickles, meanwhile, is to be knighted. Recently ousted from government, Sir Eric has become the anti-corruption tsar, which begs a question: why would you call the person in charge of tackling corruption a tsar? 

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.