The Weekly Diary: July 13th - 17th

Monday 13^th July

Trouble at mill for Labour. No change there then, but today’s particular example concerns benefit cuts. Acting Leader Harriet Harman has said that Labour will oppose measures including cuts to Child Benefit and the reduction of the Benefit Cap, saying “We cannot simply say to the public you were wrong at the election”.

Well, three of the leadership candidates disagree saying that Labour must stand against Tory cuts, whilst the other candidate says that Harman is entirely right. You will be unsurprised to learn that the latter is Liz Kendall, whose admirably honest campaign is beginning to look more and more like the kamikaze charge at the end of The Last Samurai.

Tuesday 14^th July

As Labour continues to drift listlessly, the SNP are taking on the mantle of unofficial opposition. First, their 20 year-old MP, Mhairi Black, delivered the only effective response to last week’s Budget. Now they have declared that they will vote on fox-hunting, thereby delaying the vote as it raises the prospect of a defeat for the Government: if the Government can be defeated on a free vote, that is.

This means they will vote on a law which will not effect Scotland, and on an issue that Nicola Sturgeon specifically cited as one the SNP would not vote on before the election. But such inconsistency doesn’t matter for two reasons:

1. Fox-hunting is still opposed by 51% of the country.

2. Ms Sturgeon walks on water.

Wednesday 15^th July

It is easy to get distracted by the Labour Leadership right now, but we forget that there is another race going on that no-one is paying any attention to.

I refer of course to the Conservatives. After all, no-one could get distracted by the Lib Dem Leadership. Not even Norman Lamb.

Big figures in the Tory party are currently fighting a cold war with each other, waiting for the moment when David Cameron goes to his dream career of chillaxer who doesn’t watch football.

Today saw the clearest potshot yet when Theresa May refused to allow the use of water cannons in England and Wales. Which is a little awkward because Mayor of London and fellow Cameron-vulture, Boris Johnson, authorised the Met to buy three last year.

May even raised questions about the quality of the water cannon Boris purchased. It transpires that Boris bought them at a reduction, because they were being phased out by the Germans. That’s right: they were crowd-control too cruel for the Germans.

Johnson, doing his best impression of Del Boy, said it had been a great opportunity to buy them on the cheap. Great work again from Boris, because when you’re dealing with technology that has been known to blind someone, you want to do it half-arsed and cut-price.

Thursday 16^th July

And so it was that Tim Farron became Lib Dem Leader. Good. The suspense was barely registering.

Far more suspenseful, all of a sudden, is the Labour Leadership Contest, because it transpires that Jeremy Corbyn has a real chance of winning. According to the New Statesman, Corbyn may be able to get enough second preferences to pull off a surprise coup.

Which would be a disaster. Not so much for Labour but for Jeremy Corbyn, who has hitherto been so unexpectant of victory that he’s been canvassing to get a place on the Foreign Affairs Select Committee.

Nevertheless, he’ll never be Prime Minister, and we all know why: we haven’t had a bearded PM since the Marquess of Salisbury in 1902.

Oh – and the country just isn’t that left-wing. That too.

Friday 17^th July

On a quiet Friday, one decides to look back at the week just gone by and it becomes apparent that I have been completely out-satirised by the Labour Party. What started on Monday (see above) just got worse and worse, all as Harriet Harman attempts to navigate waters she doesn’t seem to understand.

What sort of a statement is it from an opposition leader – “Acting” or otherwise – to say that we can’t tell the public that they are wrong. That is a key aspect of leadership in a nutshell, but by all means play to our inferred tune. By all means, don’t say anything that may be possibly unpopular, and absolutely, definitely don’t say what you think is right.

As if to counter-balance this, the Labour Party voted against certain welfare reforms in the budget, thereby allowing the Prime Minister to claim that they were fighting the Living Wage.

It is a sign of a party which is not just rudderless but in total disarray that such a characterisation was able to be put to them, and response came there none. It has recently been said that they lost the election just passed in the equivalent period five years ago: leaving a vacuum which allowed the Tories to cement their narrative on Labour overspend.

Well, if that was a vacuum, then this is the abyss.

The Weekly Diary: July 6th - July 10th

Monday 6^th July

Well, the Greeks only went and voted “No” on the referendum, a result that we were assured would only lead to their untimely ruin. Perhaps it will be so, but today we see the media trying to justify the build-up they gave to Armageddon, when it turns out to be just another day. So, it’s wall-to-wall coverage of journalists attempting to get us excited/terrified by the fact of not much happening.

Meanwhile, the BBC is going through the awkward process of examining itself after the Corporation agreed with the Government that they will take over responsibility for free TV licences for the over-75s.

In the privately negotiated deal, the Government gets a significant cut in the welfare budget without having to incur any backlash, whilst the BBC get a delightful £500mn blackhole in its finances, and all the blame should they have to vary the policy at a later stage.

Every BBC Director available is on hand to tell us that this is a “good deal for the Beeb”, clearly having taken advice from the PR form that advise Wonga.com.

Tuesday 7^th July

With so much terrible and unpredictable news of late, it is comforting to have something which is important, but reliably dull and uneventful.

And so to the Labour Leadership Contest. Today, there was a controversy. If by controversy we mean a storm in a tea cup. Labour MP Helen Goodman has backed Yvette Cooper with an apparent backhanded swipe at Liz Kendall.

In a blog for the Huffington Post, Goodman wrote: “Much more important to me than being an MP and shadow minister is that I am a mum… That's why I'm backing Yvette Cooper to be the next Leader of the Labour Party. As a working mum, she understands the pressures on modern family life.”

Kendall supporters have expressed dismay that anyone should attempt to use the fact that their candidate is childless against her, even if it was implicit.

It is rather astonishing that anyone should write and declare that the clinching argument for a female candidate who has been an MP for 18 years, a Minister in the Government and in the Cabinet for 11 years, and a Shadow Cabinet Minister for 5, is that she is a mother.

Now that’s progressive, left-wing politics.

Wednesday 8^th July

Budget day, and it’s the usual mixture of a little bit of good news, and an awful lot of grizzly news. Chancellor George Osborne has made a habit of pulling a “rabbit” out in his budgets, and this time he needed to. Amidst the abolition of housing benefit and university maintenance grants for young adults, and other policies which penalise young people who bear exactly zero responsibility for the deficit, this year’s bunny was the introduction of the Living Wage, a policy which he has taken from his great political idol, Ed Miliband.

So delighted by the announcement was Iain Duncan Smith that the Quiet Man roared and cheered and gyrated in the Commons as if he were David Cameron on the terraces of Upton Park, or Villa Park, or whichever football stadium the PM most recently passed on a helicopter.

Moments later, Duncan Smith thought: “I hope the left-wing press won’t use my celebration of this measure to imply that I’m happy about all the others which cut welfare.”

He checks Twitter, before muttering “Oh crap”.

Thursday 9^th July

A tube strike in London always sorts the wheat from the chaff when it comes to social media socialists. There are those who stand by their principles; those who are marching now towards Embankment, Monument and Edgware Road singing the Internationale.

However, there is a significant number of Facebookers and Tweeters who vacuously chant every Labour slogan and demonise those uncaring tossers who think differently from them, who all suddenly go a bit Mrs T when their comrades decide to use industrial action and inconvenience them.

Well, it’s nice to know that the Labour party represents the very soft wing of their party, with the figure of Khalid Mahmood, who liked the following post on Facebook:

He claims this was an accident, and I’m sure that we can all sympathise. Who amongst us hasn’t, from time to time, publicly supported an unequivocal statement which is the absolute opposite of what we supposedly stand for? It’s the Freudian slip of the digital age.

Friday 10^th July

And so we come to Armageddon day. The Greek government has reached the absolute final deadline and has submitted one last proposal in an attempt to reach a deal with its creditors.

After the referendum delivered a stonking rejection of everything that was on the table, Syriza has spent the week hammering out their terms and have delivered… a very similar deal to the one they successfully campaigned against last week.

So, a 60% mandate is almost completely ignored, and the Greek people have lived through an extra week of turmoil and no money for absolutely no good reason.

It seems that democracy in its birthplace is worthless; and absolute democracy is so, absolutely.

The Weekly Diary: 29th June - 3rd July

Monday 29^th June

It may have been noted that the crisis in Greece has not been covered on these pages, largely as it is difficult to make light of the crumbling of an entire nation into a pit of misery and despair. However, now we can no longer ignore it. The deadlines are being reached, there is no resolution to the crisis, the banks are shut, and there is no money left. The Grexit seems increasingly inevitable. This story must be talked about.

Although, today is the first day of Wimbledon. So, we’ll probably talk about that instead.

Tuesday 30^th June

Exciting news from the world of opera.

No, really.

Well, sort of.

At last night’s first night of Guillaume Tell by Rossini at Covent Garden, there was booing mid-performance from outraged Frasiers and Nileses at an unexpected rape scene, which involved nudity and violence.

Well, of course it did. It was a rape scene.

The audience wasn’t having it. One critic on Newsnight said “I was repelled by the rape scene.” Well, of course you were. It was a rape scene. If you hadn’t been repelled, I would have been worried.

The director has admitted that it was probably a mistake not to warn audience members, some of whom were children, that there would be nudity and violent rape in the production. D’ya think?

That aside though, a fair bit of the coverage seems to represent people who were upset because they didn’t want to be confronted with rape at all, and certainly not at Covent Garden, at the height of the season. It’s enough to put you off your Veuve Clicquot between acts.

Wednesday 1^st July

The hottest July day on record and the tabloids have no idea about what headlines to go with. The Guardian ran a heatwave live blog which, very fittingly, suffered meltdown when the servers overheated.

One of the reasons for the heat was not in fact the sun but the searing rage of Boris, who is furious that the Airports Commission has recommended the construction of a third runway at Heathrow. Boris has sworn he will lie down in front of the bulldozers if the decision is taken to build it, making Cameron’s choice on the matter extremely easy.

Thursday 2^nd July

England’s Women Football Team have recently done very well at a World Cup. So well, in fact, that we were beginning to doubt if they were English. Well, we were heartily reassured of their nationality when they lost unluckily in the semi-finals to Japan.

A freak own goal from Laura Bassett saw the end of the Lionesses, as she managed to loop the ball in-off the post as she performed a sliding block several yards from and to the side of the goal.

It was devastating stuff, and goes along with the men’s many agonising disappointments, but none of them quite had this level of bizarre misfortune. See, even when it comes to crashing out because of a slice of luck, our girls trump our boys.

Friday 3^rd July

It is time to enjoy the heady aroma of Trump Corner, as we check in on the most ridiculous Presidential Campaign since Rick “Ooops” Perry decided to have another crack at it. Trump is under significant pressure to apologise for comments he made concerning Mexicans, where he described them as “drug dealers and rapists”.

This is a particular problem, as the Latino community are essential to any Republican attempt to regain the White House, as former Governor of Florida and current candidate Jeb Bush realised when he simply described Trump as “wrong”.

On the other hand, the Irish-Italian-Canadian-Cuban candidate Ted Cruz said “I like Donald Trump. I think he’s terrific. I think he’s brash. I think he speaks the truth.” Bold words. Bold, needless words from a Latino man who has just said that the person who described Mexicans as drug dealers and racists “speaks the truth”.

In short, on this evidence of political nous, we can expect it to be another Bush on the ball come November 2016.

The Weekly Diary: 22nd - 26th June

Monday 22^nd June

David Cameron has been a majority Prime Minister for almost seven weeks now, and the time has come for him to start coming clean on the £12bn of welfare cuts. Whilst he has always been honest about the figure, he has been somewhat evasive on the detail. When I say “somewhat evasive”, I actually mean “more evasive than Peter was when asked if he knew Jesus”.

Today he has said that he is going to end the “benefits merry-go-round”, which makes being on a low income and struggling to make ends meet sound more fun. He is referring to the taxing of low-earners, only to give them money back in tax credits, which is a bit of a u-turn from the man who introduced the Married Couple’s Allowance. Because we absolutely should be supporting people who have a degree of happiness and support. We’ve all seen 70s sitcoms, and we know married people’s lives are hell.

Tuesday 23^rd June

Justice Secretary and apparent human Michael Gove has given his first speech in the role, and he has said that the justice system lets down the “poorest” in society. The Tories must be a bit miffed as to why this is, particularly as they cut the legal aid bill, meaning that it is now harder for the worse off to get legal representation. The problem really is baffling.

He’s calling for investment in technology and IT to speed up trial procedures. Brilliant. That’ll crack it. We’re all for updating our infrastructure in all ways, but it’s no silver bullet. All that will happen is that we will get to the crucial point of a trial and the court will have to restart so that Windows can install some updates.

Wednesday 24^th June

A lot of news to pick from today. There is an extraordinary migrant crisis in Calais with apparently economic migrants attempting to pour into the backs of lorries which have been delayed by a strike. Meanwhile disabled people in wheelchairs, who were protesting the abolition of the Independent Living Fund, have taken police by surprise and very nearly stormed Prime Minister’s Questions.

However, the most extraordinary story of the day is the revelation that the United States has been spying on French Presidents all the way back to Chirac. The US Ambassador was summoned, upon which he explained as follows.

“Look Jake, Nick, and Franky, we’re sorry, but we couldn’t turn it off. You guys were way more entertaining than Days of our Lives. Jakey had a different girl every night, then Nick did this whole star-crossed romance thing with the hottie who was twice his height. We were going to stop with Franky, but then bam: he’s having an affair with an actress! I mean, can you blame us? You guys should write the script for Entourage 2.”

Thursday 25^th June

Extraordinary revelations in this morning’s Guardian on the inner workings of the Lib Dems across five years of opposition, coalition, and, finally, oblivion. It transpires that there was a failed coup against Nick Clegg a year away from the General Election whilst, at the same time, in the face of dreadful local and European election results, Clegg was on the verge of quitting.

He told one Lib Dem that he felt that he was the “problem and not the solution”, to which the senior Lib Dem responded “You don’t have that luxury – this is your burden now, you have to carry it through to the election. Whether you believe that or not, it’s tough titty.”

Which roughly translated comes out as “I don’t care how many seats we lose – I want to watch you suffer, you feckless Cameron-poodle. I hope that by the end of this you envy Chris Huhne. I don't care how you feel. That's hard breast.”

Friday 26^th June

Clearly Sepp Blatter has been taking some advice from Nigel Farage, because today he has unresigned. In Swiss newspaper Blick, he is quoted as saying "I did not resign, I put myself and my office in the hands of the Fifa congress."

It is true that he didn’t say the word “resign”, but he did say that the election he triggered would be for his successor. The signs are that Mr Blatter is going to anoint the only man who can continue his unique legacy of corruption and greed, namely himself.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense. 

The Weekly Diary: 15th - 19th June

Turns out the United Kingdom Independence Party know bugger all about unity

Monday 15^th June

What excitement there has been. Some people have lived to fight another day, whilst others have been cruelly cast aside, perhaps never to be seen again, and even I’m not sure whether I’m talking about the Season Finale of Game of Thrones, or the Labour Leadership Race.

Jeremy Corbyn has made it onto the ballot, having received sufficient nominations with but seconds remaining until the deadline, which drove the Westminster Press Corps batty with excitement. However, this was as nothing to the visit of Lionel Richie to Parliament. He looked a little lost, but no-one knows who he was looking for. (Boom! Boom! Thank you. I’m here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.)

Tuesday 16^th June

American Presidential Election news, now, and the news, my friends, is joyous. By which I mean it’s terrifying, but the road to hell is paved with laughter.

There are more Republicans running for President than FIFA Officials running from the Feds. They include Rick Santorum (an anti-gay politician whose name has been made synonymous with a by-product of buggery), Rick Perry (the former Governor of Texas who crashed out of the last campaign by forgetting what he was saying and trying to cover-up with the masterly utterance of “Oops”), and now Donald Trump.

Yes, Donald Trump: the man who tried to trademark the phrase “You’re fired”. He also said “Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich” and of a recent President he remarked “He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country!”

Now, you might think that he was referring to George W. Bush, who was the last President not to win the popular vote in 2000. But, no. He was talking about the last President who undoubtedly won the election. You know the one he means. The black one.

Of course, it’s unfair to infer that the President’s colour had any impact on Mr Trump’s views, even though he’s accepted that he probably once said “Black guys counting my money! I hate it,” and that “laziness is a trait in blacks”.

But, on the other hand, he has a big tower. And fabulous hair which I’m sure is as genuine as he was when he said "I have a great relationship with the blacks. I've always had a great relationship with the blacks."

Wednesday 17^th June

This evening saw the first Labour Leadership Hustings, where the four candidates all passed the initial test of being better on camera than Ed Miliband. As such, the focus rather surprisingly turned to policy. Jeremy Corbyn spoke for Old Labour, Liz Kendall spoke for New New Labour, Andy Burnham spoke for whatever seemed most opportune at the time, and Yvette Cooper spoke for none of the above. If you fancy a flutter, back the none of the above candidate.

Thursday 18^th June

Suzanne Evans, who became prominent during the election as a Ukipper who seemed, well, normal, gave an interview to the BBC’s Daily Politics, in which she said of party leader Nigel Farage: “I think Nigel is a very divisive character in terms of the way he is perceived. He is not divisive as a person but the way he is perceived in having strong views that divide people.”

Mr Farage heard this and felt that the best way to prove that he was not divisive in this way was to sack the woman for having an even moderately dissenting view.

An e-mail was sent out to all Ukippers saying that no-one was to have any further contact with her, that she was not to be put out as a party “spokesman” (the “man” being a nice, Farage touch), and that she was not to be briefed or advised. The e-mail was forwarded to the BBC, presumably by a UKIP staffer committed to the sort of unity only UKIP can provide.

Friday 19^th June

News filters through that Suzanne Evans has not been sacked. This means that UKIP have a leader who “unresigned”, an advisor in the form of Matthew Richardson who “unquit”, and now a senior figure who has been “unsacked”.

Those who have left the party remain bullish however, with former advisor Raheem Kassam having recently described the campaign to get Nigel Farage elected in South Thanet as thee “single best campaign ever, ever in British politics, bar maybe the Bradford spring”. Of course, the official UKIP description of that result was that it was a seat that they “unwon”.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense. Though every Donald Trump quote is verifiable.

The Weekly Diary: 8th June - 12th June

Cameron Crosses the Rubicon, Quickly Rows Back Over It

Monday 8^th June

7.00am

The Prime Minister summons a conference call of senior Tories.

“Right, look here you plebs! I have given you the majority you craved for across two decades and my message is clear: I am your Caesar!”

To which Boris started coughing heavily, before the Prime Minister continued: “The thing about Caesars is that if they are not obeyed, it is the masses who suffer. So, you will obey my commands on Europe, or it’s the Colosseum for you. Have I made myself clear?”

7.00pm

After a long day in politics, the Prime Minister reconvenes the conference call.

“I think what I said earlier might have been misconstrued. When I said “I am your Cesar”, I meant the puppy on the dog food.

“What do you mean you can hear me spelling it differently?”

Tuesday 9^th June

The politicians, they keep on campaigning, and at present MPs are manoeuvring over the chairs of the Commons Select Committees, elections for which are due next week. The race for Chair of the Health Select Committee, where Conservative MP David Tredinnick is in the running, has attracted some attention. He said in January that he thinks that astrology should be used in medicine.

He believes that opposition to astrology is driven by “superstition, ignorance and prejudice”. Critics suggest that opposition is also driven by “facts”, but they ignore the fact that Mr Tredinnick is highly intelligent and applies his knowledge to practical matters. We know this because he is a Capricon.

Wednesday 10^th June

David Miliband has spoken out over his sadness and pain over his brother’s electoral failure. He has done so very aware that any comment he makes on this particular subject might well be perceived as an act of schadenfreude. Fortunately, we have a translator on hand who is fluent in schadenfreude.

David Miliband said that the nature of Labour’s pitch to voters made him “very fearful of the consequences”. This translates as “my brother completely screwed up his election campaign”.

Miliband went on with: “I have to say that any sense of vindication is massively outweighed by a sense of frustration and anger about what's going to happen to the country.” Which translates as “I have a tremendous sense of vindication, and that makes me angry and frustrated because I could have beaten those bastards.”

Mr Miliband is returning to these shores in a speech in September, and is rumoured to be planning a sequel in a by-election near you any month now.

Thursday 11^th June

George Osborne was at the swanky Mansion House dinner last night, where he announced the sell-off of government shares in RBS at a loss of £7 billion. This has raised some consternation, as the Tories seem to be so totally against deficits of any kind.

Mr Osborne was unable to answer questions on the issue this morning, presumably because he was recovering from the Mansion House dinner, but the rumour is that the move is actually a brilliant attempt to avoid capital gains tax. After all,  the Treasury doesn’t like spending money when it doesn’t need to. Not even to itself.

Friday 12^th June

As our relations with Europe come under scrutiny, it highlights the many differences between our island nation and our continental cousins. Differences which have been underlined today by yet another case concerning Dominique Strauss-Khan – formerly both head of the IMF and a French Presidential hopeful. Today he was cleared of charges of “aggravated pimping” – these were accusations of him having arranged for prostitutes to attend an orgy he was orgasming organising.

Now, we must be clear that Mr Strauss Khan was found innocent of these charges, and as far as we can legally allowed to be concerned, that’s that. However, it doesn’t quite get to the bottom of the fact that the French have a crime of “aggravated pimping”. Perhaps, I am naïve, but what on earth is “aggravated” pimping?

A convicted aggravated pimp explained what happened in his case:

“Well, I was pimping, as I normally did, and then I made a terrible mistake and aggravated my pimping. And my groin injury.”

But what’s the difference between pimping and aggravated pimiping? He explains: “If you’re running prostitutes around town, that’s pimping. If you’re running them around town in a Chevrolet, with the hood down and gold hubcaps, that’s aggravated pimping.”

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

The Weekly Diary: 1st June - 5th June

Return of the Eddie

Monday 1^st June

Credit has rightly been given to Ed Miliband, who has returned to the Commons, freshly tanned and raved out from a holiday in Ibiza. In doing so, he is now a third of the way to equalling his predecessor’s Commons attendance record.

Here he is, now on the Labour backbenchers and back in action, with the look of a man who is saying “I look weird, and I don’t care. I’m out, loud and proud. And weird! What do I want? Equal electoral opportunities for people who look weird! When do I want it? Four weeks ago!”

Meanwhile, Boris has spoken in the Commons, and he is worried about relics from a bygone era being threatened by ISIS in Syria. He asks not as the MP for Uxbridge, but as the Founder, Chair and Exemplar of the Relics from A Bygone Era Society

Tuesday 2^nd June

It is a sad day as news breaks of the untimely death of former Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy. Kennedy was hugely loved and admired across politics and the country.

He was a gifted, amiable and principled leader, and carries a lot of affection for my generation, particularly through his frequent appearances on shows such as Have I Got News For You. One favourite appearanceis linked here.

It was first broadcast on 3^rd November 2000, and covered some recent heavy flooding.

Deayton: What is the Liberal Democrats’ position on Global Warming?

Kennedy (quick as a flash): We’re very concerned.

Deayton: What was John Prescott’s response?

Kennedy: Unintelligible?

RIP

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And with that, we thought Tuesday was all over. It is now, as Sepp Blatter announces that he will be standing down as President of FIFA. He says that he is doing this because he does not have a mandate from all of football, and also because it has transpired that the Pope is a Catholic.

The thing is that all of this was true on Friday, so what’s changed? Difficult to say, but it does seem that Mr Blatter is expecting a 5am alarm call any day now.

Wednesday 3^rd June

The return of Prime Minister’s Questions brings back the sort of searing scrutiny you’d expect.

First a Conservative MP stands up with: “Would the Prime Minister agree that he’s marvellous and always right?”

To which the Prime Minister responds with “Well, I agree with my honourable friend that I am a rather flash man.”

Then a Labour MP responds with: “Actually, I have information that suggests the Prime Minister is dreadful and always wrong.”

To which Mr Cameron responds: “Well, I think the honourable member and the party opposite have learned nothing from the election, namely that our long-term economic plan is working in our northern powerhouse to prove that I am, in fact, rather flash, man.”

And on it goes for five years.

Thursday 4^th June

Today sees the ballot for Private Members Bills – where individual backbenchers get to table their own bits of legislation for consideration by the House of Commons. Examples of successful PMBs from the last Parliament include The Control of Horses Act 2015, which is “An Act to make provision for the taking of action in relation to horses which are on land in England without lawful authority”. Yes, that’s right: Conservative MP Julian Sturdy took action on equine illegal immigrants.

Okay, the legislation was dealing with real issues. Niche issues, but real all the same. For instance, in the same Parliament, Dan Jarvis was unsuccessful with a Private Member’s Bill which tried to raise the minimum wage.

Still, not to worry: at least you can now evict an unwanted horse.

Friday 5^th June

Bad news for Labour leadership hopeful Andy Burnham. Yesterday, more of Prince Charles’ Black-Spider memos were released, including one response from Burnham which he signs off with “I have the honour to remain, Sir, Your Royal Highness’s most humble and obedient servant.” This is the conventional response according to Debrett’s guide to etiquette, a tome well-respected by the Labour grassroots.

Some have suggested that this was an attempt to secure an invitation to tea, but this is unfair. If he’d wanted a tea invite, he would simply have written:

“Your Royal Highness, I am a humble man and yet I really like your Duchy Originals biscuits. I – who is humbler than all others and whose obedience knows no bounds – believe that I can only fully show you my appreciation for them in person. Please, please, please could we have tea together? I do not presume that you will permit it (look at me being humble), and I will follow whatever your commands are (see me be obedient). Yours grovelingly, YMHAOS.”

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.