Election Diary - Days 34 & 35: The Royal Baby and Milibandias

Saturday 2nd May

6.01am

The BBC, knowing the need for balance, are drafting the news story of Kate Middleton going into labour.

“The Duchess of Cambridge has gone into labour. Kensington Palace has been very conservative in managing the media, saying they will be more liberal after the birth. Whilst she was overdue, the Duchess’ doctors had told her “You kip if you want to, particularly if you look a bit green”. Kensington Palace has said that they are hoping for a “Smooth Natal Progression”, or SNP as it’s known.”

“This is good,” says the editor, “But how the fuck do we work Plaid Cymru into this?”

11.26am

The baby has been born and very quickly at that. The parties are now thinking of how best to greet the news, and what to give. For Labour it’s easy: a bouquet of roses. For the others, it’s a bit trickier.

At Conservative Campaign Headquarters, they’ve settled on a Bonsai tree: “Thank God we changed our emblem. I don’t think a flaming torch would have been appropriate.”

The SNP have settled on a painting of the Battle of Bannockburn, and Plaid have sent a biography of Owain Glyndwr, whilst UKIP are sending one English pound.

The Lib Dems, though, are stumped, because St Mary’s Hospital wouldn’t let them bring their live eagle in.

Sunday 3rd May

9.10am

Ed Miliband has announced that he will be putting his election pledges into stone, literally. He has commissioned an 8ft6in-high representation of their six election pledges to be placed in Downing Street's Rose Garden upon him being appointed PM. He says this will counteract the erosion of trust.

This is mysteriously coincidental, for last night I had a dream.

I met a traveller from a future land

Who said: One vast and thoughtless piece of stone

Stands in a grass lawn. Near them on the soil,

Half sunk, a crumbling visage lies, whose grin

And grey-tipped hair and sneer of cold command

Tell that it's electors those passions misread

Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,

The land that mock'd them and the hearts misled.

And on the pedestal these words appear,

"My name is Milibandias, king of kings:

Look on my works ye Mighty, and despair!"

Nothing beside remains: round the decay

Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,

The lone and lowly lands stretch far away.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary Summary: Week Four

20^th April: The SNP launch their manifesto, and the Tories try to increase fears of a potential Labour-SNP coalition.

11.21am

People throng to the SNP manifesto launch, leaving cars in the streets, and giving her a warmer greeting than even Ed Miliband’s “friends” could muster.

It is another effective and appealing performance from Nicola the Bruce, showing the sort of political ability and acumen that is sorely lacking in England. Much to Cameron’s chagrin, she isn’t wearing any tartan, hasn’t turned up with a comedy red beard on, and isn’t screaming “FREEDOM!” with a slight Australian accent.

Read the full article here.

21^st April: John Major returns to the political scene to warn of the danger of the SNP.

11.00am

It is Back to Basics for the Tories. After Tony Blair's reprise two weeks ago, today is the return of Britain’s most popular politician ever. No, really. It is a solid fact that John Major’s victory in 1992 saw the largest number of votes cast (14 million) in any British election, ever.

The Tories want to relive the good times and, for the Tories, John Major is strangely synonymous with the good times these days. Well, you never know what you had until you’ve undermined it at every turn, humiliated it with scandal, condemned it to electoral oblivion and lost it.

So, it’s peas for everyone at Tory HQ, as Sir John arrives in a blaze of grey, eyes of fire behind spark-guard glasses. Major warns of the danger of a Labour government propped up by the SNP, saying that they will seek to create division in order to lay the ground for separation, and will blackmail the government daily.

A journalist asks “Mr Major, how can you be so sure that a Labour-SNP deal will be a disaster? You effectively ran a minority government in the last year of your premiership, supported by Northern Irish parties.”

“I know – it was hell in there lad,” replies Major, with a harrowed look on his face. “I’m arguing for Ed Miliband’s sake really. No-one should have to go through that. No-one.”

The media event over, Major goes and shakes hands with the faithful, and slowly makes his way to the party treasurer, who is holding an anonymous brown envelope.

Read the full article here, and the extended edition here.

22^nd April: Milifandom goes viral.

9.50am

An aide popped his head round Lynton’s door.

“Lynton,” he said. “We have a problem.”

“How? Everything is just rolling along as planned. Meticulously, pedantically planned.”

“It’s Ed Miliband. He’s become a sex symbol.”

“Surely that was a joke?”

“No. It’s very real.”

The aide showed him a twitter trend called #milifandom.

It began with a girl who started a #milifandom and examples of tweets include “I love Ed Miliband so much it hurts” and “I dreamt about Ed last night”. One said: “this all started out as a joke but now i think i legitimately fancy ed miliband” (sic).

The high point of #milifandom is this Vine of the man himself, with the backing of “Careless Whisper”.

“This isn’t a problem,” said Lynton. “This is ridiculous. We don’t need to do anything about this.”

“But Dave isn’t sexy.”

“Well, nothing I can do about that. Get back to work.”

Read the full article here.

23^rd April: Everyone covering the election begins to lose the plot.

10.30am

The (Independent) Institute for Fiscal Studies is giving a report on all of the parties’ economic plans. And – guess what? They’re all being vague and not telling the truth.

“Well, big woop,” thought Phil. “Even the independent commentators are like stuck records now.”

The report has criticised Labour, the Tories, the Lib Dems and the SNP for providing insufficient plans. This was reported byThe Daily Telegraph as “Only a Conservative Government would Balance Books, says IFS”, whilst The Guardian went for “Tories have £30bn black hole in spending plans, says IFS”.

“How stupid do they think we are?” thought Phil. Still – it was the same as every day. EVERY DAY!

Read the full article here.

24^th April: Electoral tedium continues as the Tories focus on English Votes for English Laws.

2.28pm

David Cameron has been asked which Cabinet member he would suggest to take over from Daniel Craig as the next James Bond, and he said: "William Hague's fit, he's healthy, he does yoga - he can probably crack a man's skull between his kneecaps."

What the hell went on in Cabinet?

In answer to the same question, Nigel Farage (in a uncharacteristcally egotistical moment for him) suggested himself, and Ed Miliband said Rosamund Pike as the first female Bond, as he continued to flirt with the entirety of the liberal female population.

Read the full article here.

25^th April: David Cameron forgets which football team he “supports”.

2.03pm

Embarrassment for David Cameron as he forgot which football team he supports. Mr Cameron, who claims an allegiance to Aston Villa, exhorted undecideds to support West Ham. The only possible confusion there is that they both play in claret and blue, but Cameron put the slip down to "brain fade". This raises questions. Does the PM get confused during World Cups and start supporting Germany over England? Is he, in fact, colour blind and decided to become PM because he was frustrated at not being allowed to be a pilot? He would have liked being a pilot. All those stewardesses he could have told to calm down.

There are a few reasons why this may have happened: temporary insanity, sucking up to Karen Brady, or (most likely) not having written the speech himself. I mean one can picture a Tory writer remembering what colour DC's team played in, not bothering to check, and leaving Cameron too embarrassed to admit the mistake.

Alternatively, this utterly harmless and mildly amusing gaffe was down to Cameron's being a devious shit. Or so says Alastair Campbell who believes that this alone is enough to turf the PM out of office. Campbell should count his blessings, for he is a Burnley fan, and they also play in claret and blue.

Read the full article here.

26^th April: Boris Johnson and Ed Miliband clash on Andrew Marr’s sofa.

10.12am

Boris got out wondering whether his apparent toppling in sex appeal had anything to do with him. Perhaps word had got about that, at the moment of climax, he made a point of shouting "Veni, vidi, vici".

He had quite enough of all of this, but then he got a phone call from a sobbing Lynton Crosby.

"Are you still at the Beeb, Bojo?"

"No, Lynton."

"Go back!"

"Why?"

"You have to do something. Ed said that I should be fired. He doesn't like me, Boris, and I think I might be in love with him."

"Et tu Lynton?" said Boris. "Then fall, Johnson!"

Read the full article here.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary Summary: Week Three

13^th April: The Labour Party launch their manifesto, promising to cut the deficit every year.

6.00am

Today Labour is publishing its manifesto, and the critics are divided.Guardian Books calls it an “optimistic work of social-realism”, The Times Literary Supplement calls it “a densely-written work of fantasy”, and Tom Paulin hated it.

The Tories launch tomorrow, and Guardian Books calls the Conservative manifesto “a pessimistic depiction of a dystopian future”, The Times Literary Supplement calls it “a considered and assured work of fluent prose”, and Tom Paulin hated it.

No-one’s bothered reading the advanced copies of the Lib Dem Manifesto, but Tom Paulin hated it.

Read the full article here.

14^th April: The Conservatives launch their manifesto, claiming to be the real party of working people.

1.23pm

Over lunch at Labour Headquarters, the Tory manifesto is greeted with derision.

“They’re not the party of working people,” scoffs Ed Balls. “We are!”

“No wait,” interjects Chuka Umunna. “I thought we were the party of fiscal responsibility.”

“I thought we were the Judean People’s Front,” mutters Douglas Alexander with a resigned tone, as he looks through a brochure for potential constituencies south of the border.

Read the full article here.

15^th April: The Lib Dems and UKIP unveil their manifestos, the Lib Dems from Battersea, and UKIP from Royston Vasey.

10.00am

The hour is fast approaching for Nick Clegg to make his case to the nation, and he will do it in a trendy venue in Battersea. It has been a rough campaign for the Lib Dems, and indeed a rough week. Not only are people ignoring strong performances in debates and TV interviews, but yesterday their battle bus broke down as well, leading to many obvious jokes at their expense. Nick strides out onto stage filled with energy and vigour, and gives a characteristic performance from this campaign in that:

a) He is confident.

b) He is gutsy about his record.

c) No-one is listening.

“We will add a heart to a Conservative Government and a brain to a Labour one,” says Clegg, suggesting that the Lib Dems are a sort of Frankenstein’s Monster of British politics. “We will add a gall bladder to David Cameron, a spleen to Ed Miliband, and an appendix to History.”

Read the full article here.

16^th April: Opposition leaders prepare for a debate, whilst David Cameron has revealed his anger in an interview with Evan Davis.

8.00am

“Are you going to watch the debate tonight?” asked Samantha.

“Debate? What debate?” responded the worried PM. “I didn’t sign up to any more debates. I told them – one debate where I could be aloof and distant and wave photocopies about, whilst everyone shouts at each other. Debates make me angry. I’m a very angry man. Did you see me with Evan Davis last night? I was a vision of fury.”

“Calm down dear,” said Samantha. “It’s the Challengers’ Debate. Everyone apart from you and Nick. Remember?”

“Oh yes,” said David, recalling his dreams of Nicola Sturgeon tearing Ed Miliband apart. “They’re not empty-chairing me are they?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Empty chairs make me angry too. I’m adding them to the book,” he said as he took out a little notebook engraved with the title: The Little Book of Rage.

Read the full article here.

17^th April: There is a muted reaction to the Challengers’ Debate, whilst UKIP officially join the Dark Side.

5.00pm

Bit of a POET’S Day feeling (Piss Off Early Tomorrow’s Saturday) to today’s campaigning. Nevertheless, the press and the pollsters are ensuring that the important questions are asked. To that end, they have polled: what are the parties’ views on Star Wars?

With a new trailer for The Force Awakens being released yesterday, Star Wars fever is gripping the globe, and we now have comprehensive data on how the parties relate to this, courtesy of The Daily Telegraph’s Asa Bennett.

Lib Dem supporters like the series the most. The Conservative supporters like Han Solo the best, which is odd because he is a smuggler and tax evader. Labour supporters also like Solo, because he is someone he starts it sticking it to the establishment, and then ends up becoming part of it.

However, the standout stat is that UKIP’s favourite character is Darth Vader, despite the fact that he is an immigrant to both the Dark Side and the Galactic Republic. Intolerant, pro-military, and driven by a dark heart of hate, UKIP won the European elections last year.

Read the full article here.

18^th April: Nigel Farage compares himself to Gandhi.

3.53pm

Nigel Farage is not a man for understatement, and this weekend he has been at it again. He’s compared himself to Gandhi.

Speaking on Saturday, he said: "I am taking on the status quo. I am taking on their very, very comfortable lives. But if you look through history anybody that challenges the status quo, whether in business, science or politics, they have a go at you. And it was Gandhi, of course, who said 'first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you and then you win'."

A rather extraordinary comparison, particularly considering that Gandhi was a one-time expatriate, ascetic, and tee-total. Whereas, Nigel Farage dislikes all expatriates, is given to self-indulgence, and thinks tee-totalism is something to do with golf.

But you have to applaud the gutsiness of the man. Keep going Nige, because first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they laugh at you some more, and then you compare yourself to Gandhi and they roll around on the floor pissing themselves.

As if to reinforce the questionable strength of the comparison, a UKIP councillor was arrested this weekend in connection with an alleged assault at a meeting of the anti-extremist group Hope Not Hate. Hard to think of anything less in keeping with the life of Gandhi than an act of violence against a peaceful group.

Read the full article here.

19^th April: David Cameron is grilled by Andrew Marr, and Ed Miliband is graced by a hen party.

10.01am

Angry David Cameron woke up the nation this morning with another raging performance on The Andrew Marr Show. The first question was whether the Tories’ private polling said that they have close to no chance of forming a majority. Cameron insisted that private polling does show a chance of a majority, adding that the research also shows that Elvis is alive, pig-aviation is more probable than not, and reports of bear defecation in the woods have been greatly exaggerated.

Time is running out for the Prime Minister, with recent polls seeming to give Labour a small lead. He still has to persuade very many people, and Cameron refers to such moments as an “essay crisis”, which means that over the past five years he hasn't done any of the reading, has been partying too much, and is now running on an ungodly combination of Red Bull, pizza and Haribo.

Read the full article here.

Election Diary Summary: Week Two

April 6^th: Easter Monday saw Danny Alexander fire the first shot across the post-Coalition bows.

1.28pm

Danny Alexander is an interesting figure in this election because he is doomed. He has nothing to live for. He is a Scottish Lib Dem MP, and in the face of the SNP surge, the loss of his seat is almost inevitable.

Many of us, in such a situation, would take on a monastic silence, preparing ourselves for the abyss. Not Danny Boy, for though the pipes, the pipes are calling, he is firing wildly into the air.

However, whilst he could be doing this in the manner of the Sundance Kid, he’s actually doing it in the manner of a High School gossip.

Today, he has been talking about his ex, who, like, totally said to him in Cabinet "you take care of the workers, we'll take care of the bosses". However, Danny has many exes, as does Nick (Vince is a confirmed bachelor): it was a very polyamorous environment. Unfortunately, what happens in Westminster doesn’t stay in Westminster, and Danny will not say which one of his floozies said this bit.

So, Sayid Javid, (one of Danny's jilted toy-boy-Tories), is hitting back. He’s been saying that this claim is rubbish, that the reason why Danny won’t say who said it is that no-one said it at all, and also that Danny never comes to parties and is a selfish lover.

Very bitter chaps. Very bitter.

Read the full article here.

April 7^th: Tony Blair makes his return to UK Politics, talking about the risks of an EU referendum, and taking over the news headlines.

10.35am

Backstage, Tony looks out from the wings with a steely glare. The familiar glint lingers still, somewhere behind his determined expression.

Just before he walks out, he mutters “Let’s show them how it’s done”, and then it’s like an old entertainer, returning to the stage and showing everyone he’s still got it. Imagine Bruce Forsyth, if he’d committed any atrocities (apart from his hosting of the later series of Strictly Come Dancing).

He gets a standing ovation and he begins:

“I can't go on with the speech. I'm too happy. Mr. Crick, do you mind if I say a few words? Thank you. I just want to tell you all how happy I am to be back at the podium doing politics again. You don't know how much I've missed all of you. And I promise you I'll never desert you again because after this election we’ll have another election! And another election! You see, this is my life. It always will be. There's nothing else, just us and the cameras and those wonderful people out there in the dark. Alright Mr. Crick, I'm ready for my close up.”

Read the full article here.

April 8^th: Labour announces that it will abolish the Non-Dom status

9.41am

It was practically a champagne socialist breakfast at Labour HQ. The latest polls are putting them a few points ahead, the Non-Dom policy was dominating the front pages, and Nicola Sturgeon was flirting with them in public. Everything was coming up Miliband.

Still, one researcher was running around asking questions.

“How much money will we raise with the Non-Doms policy?”

“Millions.”

“How many millions?”

“Many millions.”

“Exactly how many millions?”

“Difficult to say. But they’re rich and we’re going to tax them, so we’ll make millions. Simple logic really.”

“Right. I think we do need to address the concerns about the Non-Doms leaving.”

“It’ll be fine. The important thing is that we are closing a loophole that is ridiculously unfair. Today is our day. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing.”

10.28am

Something went wrong.

Some idiot in the Labour party basically became George Osborne’s mouthpiece, saying: “I think if you abolish the whole Non-Dom status then probably it ends up costing Britain money because there will be some people who then leave the country."

“Which moron said this?” demanded Ed Balls.

“Err… you did, Shadow Chancellor.

Read the full article here.

April 9^th: The Tories go very negative, with Michael Fallon saying that Ed Miliband will backstab Britain over Trident.

8.30am

“We all know that Ed is dangerous,” started Michael. “Remember what happened with his brother”.

Everyone shifted uncomfortably in their seats at this moment. They did all remember what happened with Ed’s brother. They’d had an argument about which of them was better, and they put it to a vote, and Ed won, but only by getting the teachers to vote for him as well. And the cleaners. And the cooks. And Martin, the class hamster.

But then, Ed’s brother was so upset that he stopped coming into school and then, one day, Ed announced that his brother was so upset that he’d gone to America to get away from the shame and the hurt. Everyone missed Ed’s brother. Everyone.

Read the full article here.

April 10^th: David Cameron revives the Big Society with an idea for paid volunteer leave.

2.47am

David Cameron awoke with a start, and discovered that he had been shouting.

“What is it darling?” said a wearily concerned Samantha.

“I had a dream darling. The Big Society came to me in a dream.”

“The Big Society? I thought that was all in the past.”

“No. It came to me. It told me that I had abandoned it, but I said “No, I didn’t abandon you. I just forgot you and left you in a pub.”

“You did put Florence to bed didn’t you?”

“What? Oh, I think so. I need to make some phone calls.”

Read the full article here.

April 11^th: A quiet day in the election sees the result of the Boat Race cause a split in the Cabinet, as it does every year.

3.45pm

Intriguing news from the world of nominative determinism. It appears that your voting intention may be largely down to your name. To illustrate this, you are 31% more likely to vote for UKIP if you are called Nigel.

Most tellingly of all, though, we have discovered that the name most likely to produce a Lib Dem voter is Tim. Which makes sense. It just is a Lib Dem name, perhaps best encapsulated by Tim Henman: well-meaning and involving a lot of public faith, but ultimately a bit useless when things get serious.

Read the full article here.

April 12^th: George Osborne fails to answer Andrew Marr’s many, many questions on where extra funding for the NHS come from, as welfare cuts remain unspecified.

9.50am

It’s been a rough Sunday morning for George Osborne. Gideon, for it is he, was on The Andrew Marr Show, and was challenged about where the Conservative party was going to find its promised £8bn for the NHS.

An exact transcript of his response reads: “Ah, well, long-term economic plan, savings, responsible accounting, leprechaun, pot of gold, end of the rainbow, second prize in a beauty contest – collect £10, winner on the National yesterday.”

“You’re not answering the question, Chancellor.”

“Look, do you want the truth Andrew? Can you handle the truth?”

“Yes, I can George.”

“At 5pm on Friday, I received an e-mail from a member of the Nigerian Royal Family.”

Read the full article here.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.