Saturday, May 2, 2015

Election Diary Summary: Week Two

April 6th: Easter Monday saw Danny Alexander fire the first shot across the post-Coalition bows.
Danny Alexander is an interesting figure in this election because he is doomed. He has nothing to live for. He is a Scottish Lib Dem MP, and in the face of the SNP surge, the loss of his seat is almost inevitable.
Many of us, in such a situation, would take on a monastic silence, preparing ourselves for the abyss. Not Danny Boy, for though the pipes, the pipes are calling, he is firing wildly into the air.
However, whilst he could be doing this in the manner of the Sundance Kid, he’s actually doing it in the manner of a High School gossip.
Today, he has been talking about his ex, who, like, totally said to him in Cabinet "you take care of the workers, we'll take care of the bosses". However, Danny has many exes, as does Nick (Vince is a confirmed bachelor): it was a very polyamorous environment. Unfortunately, what happens in Westminster doesn’t stay in Westminster, and Danny will not say which one of his floozies said this bit.
So, Sayid Javid, (one of Danny's jilted toy-boy-Tories), is hitting back. He’s been saying that this claim is rubbish, that the reason why Danny won’t say who said it is that no-one said it at all, and also that Danny never comes to parties and is a selfish lover.
Very bitter chaps. Very bitter.
Read the full article here.

April 7th: Tony Blair makes his return to UK Politics, talking about the risks of an EU referendum, and taking over the news headlines.
Backstage, Tony looks out from the wings with a steely glare. The familiar glint lingers still, somewhere behind his determined expression.
Just before he walks out, he mutters “Let’s show them how it’s done”, and then it’s like an old entertainer, returning to the stage and showing everyone he’s still got it. Imagine Bruce Forsyth, if he’d committed any atrocities (apart from his hosting of the later series of Strictly Come Dancing).
He gets a standing ovation and he begins:
“I can't go on with the speech. I'm too happy. Mr. Crick, do you mind if I say a few words? Thank you. I just want to tell you all how happy I am to be back at the podium doing politics again. You don't know how much I've missed all of you. And I promise you I'll never desert you again because after this election we’ll have another election! And another election! You see, this is my life. It always will be. There's nothing else, just us and the cameras and those wonderful people out there in the dark. Alright Mr. Crick, I'm ready for my close up.”
Read the full article here.

April 8th: Labour announces that it will abolish the Non-Dom status
It was practically a champagne socialist breakfast at Labour HQ. The latest polls are putting them a few points ahead, the Non-Dom policy was dominating the front pages, and Nicola Sturgeon was flirting with them in public. Everything was coming up Miliband.
Still, one researcher was running around asking questions.
“How much money will we raise with the Non-Doms policy?”
“How many millions?”
“Many millions.”
“Exactly how many millions?”
“Difficult to say. But they’re rich and we’re going to tax them, so we’ll make millions. Simple logic really.”
“Right. I think we do need to address the concerns about the Non-Doms leaving.”
“It’ll be fine. The important thing is that we are closing a loophole that is ridiculously unfair. Today is our day. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing.”
Something went wrong.
Some idiot in the Labour party basically became George Osborne’s mouthpiece, saying: “I think if you abolish the whole Non-Dom status then probably it ends up costing Britain money because there will be some people who then leave the country."
“Which moron said this?” demanded Ed Balls.
“Err… you did, Shadow Chancellor.
Read the full article here.

April 9th: The Tories go very negative, with Michael Fallon saying that Ed Miliband will backstab Britain over Trident.
“We all know that Ed is dangerous,” started Michael. “Remember what happened with his brother”.
Everyone shifted uncomfortably in their seats at this moment. They did all remember what happened with Ed’s brother. They’d had an argument about which of them was better, and they put it to a vote, and Ed won, but only by getting the teachers to vote for him as well. And the cleaners. And the cooks. And Martin, the class hamster.
But then, Ed’s brother was so upset that he stopped coming into school and then, one day, Ed announced that his brother was so upset that he’d gone to America to get away from the shame and the hurt. Everyone missed Ed’s brother. Everyone.
Read the full article here.

April 10th: David Cameron revives the Big Society with an idea for paid volunteer leave.
David Cameron awoke with a start, and discovered that he had been shouting.
“What is it darling?” said a wearily concerned Samantha.
“I had a dream darling. The Big Society came to me in a dream.”
“The Big Society? I thought that was all in the past.”
“No. It came to me. It told me that I had abandoned it, but I said “No, I didn’t abandon you. I just forgot you and left you in a pub.”
“You did put Florence to bed didn’t you?”
“What? Oh, I think so. I need to make some phone calls.”
Read the full article here.

April 11th: A quiet day in the election sees the result of the Boat Race cause a split in the Cabinet, as it does every year.
Intriguing news from the world of nominative determinism. It appears that your voting intention may be largely down to your name. To illustrate this, you are 31% more likely to vote for UKIP if you are called Nigel.
Most tellingly of all, though, we have discovered that the name most likely to produce a Lib Dem voter is Tim. Which makes sense. It just is a Lib Dem name, perhaps best encapsulated by Tim Henman: well-meaning and involving a lot of public faith, but ultimately a bit useless when things get serious.
Read the full article here.

April 12th: George Osborne fails to answer Andrew Marr’s many, many questions on where extra funding for the NHS come from, as welfare cuts remain unspecified.
It’s been a rough Sunday morning for George Osborne. Gideon, for it is he, was on The Andrew Marr Show, and was challenged about where the Conservative party was going to find its promised £8bn for the NHS.
An exact transcript of his response reads: “Ah, well, long-term economic plan, savings, responsible accounting, leprechaun, pot of gold, end of the rainbow, second prize in a beauty contest – collect £10, winner on the National yesterday.”
“You’re not answering the question, Chancellor.”
“Look, do you want the truth Andrew? Can you handle the truth?”
“Yes, I can George.”
“At 5pm on Friday, I received an e-mail from a member of the Nigerian Royal Family.”
Read the full article here.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

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