Sunday, May 3, 2015

Election Diary Summary: Week Four

20th April: The SNP launch their manifesto, and the Tories try to increase fears of a potential Labour-SNP coalition.
People throng to the SNP manifesto launch, leaving cars in the streets, and giving her a warmer greeting than even Ed Miliband’s “friends” could muster.
It is another effective and appealing performance from Nicola the Bruce, showing the sort of political ability and acumen that is sorely lacking in England. Much to Cameron’s chagrin, she isn’t wearing any tartan, hasn’t turned up with a comedy red beard on, and isn’t screaming “FREEDOM!” with a slight Australian accent.
Read the full article here.

21st April: John Major returns to the political scene to warn of the danger of the SNP.
It is Back to Basics for the Tories. After Tony Blair's reprise two weeks ago, today is the return of Britain’s most popular politician ever. No, really. It is a solid fact that John Major’s victory in 1992 saw the largest number of votes cast (14 million) in any British election, ever.
The Tories want to relive the good times and, for the Tories, John Major is strangely synonymous with the good times these days. Well, you never know what you had until you’ve undermined it at every turn, humiliated it with scandal, condemned it to electoral oblivion and lost it.
So, it’s peas for everyone at Tory HQ, as Sir John arrives in a blaze of grey, eyes of fire behind spark-guard glasses. Major warns of the danger of a Labour government propped up by the SNP, saying that they will seek to create division in order to lay the ground for separation, and will blackmail the government daily.
A journalist asks “Mr Major, how can you be so sure that a Labour-SNP deal will be a disaster? You effectively ran a minority government in the last year of your premiership, supported by Northern Irish parties.”
“I know – it was hell in there lad,” replies Major, with a harrowed look on his face. “I’m arguing for Ed Miliband’s sake really. No-one should have to go through that. No-one.”
The media event over, Major goes and shakes hands with the faithful, and slowly makes his way to the party treasurer, who is holding an anonymous brown envelope.
Read the full article here, and the extended edition here.

22nd April: Milifandom goes viral.
An aide popped his head round Lynton’s door.
“Lynton,” he said. “We have a problem.”
“How? Everything is just rolling along as planned. Meticulously, pedantically planned.”
“It’s Ed Miliband. He’s become a sex symbol.”
“Surely that was a joke?”
“No. It’s very real.”
The aide showed him a twitter trend called #milifandom.
It began with a girl who started a #milifandom and examples of tweets include “I love Ed Miliband so much it hurts” and “I dreamt about Ed last night”. One said: “this all started out as a joke but now i think i legitimately fancy ed miliband” (sic).
The high point of #milifandom is this Vine of the man himself, with the backing of “Careless Whisper”.

“This isn’t a problem,” said Lynton. “This is ridiculous. We don’t need to do anything about this.”
“But Dave isn’t sexy.”
“Well, nothing I can do about that. Get back to work.”
Read the full article here.

23rd April: Everyone covering the election begins to lose the plot.
The (Independent) Institute for Fiscal Studies is giving a report on all of the parties’ economic plans. And – guess what? They’re all being vague and not telling the truth.
“Well, big woop,” thought Phil. “Even the independent commentators are like stuck records now.”
The report has criticised Labour, the Tories, the Lib Dems and the SNP for providing insufficient plans. This was reported byThe Daily Telegraph as “Only a Conservative Government would Balance Books, says IFS”, whilst The Guardian went for “Tories have £30bn black hole in spending plans, says IFS”.
“How stupid do they think we are?” thought Phil. Still – it was the same as every day. EVERY DAY!
Read the full article here.

24th April: Electoral tedium continues as the Tories focus on English Votes for English Laws.
David Cameron has been asked which Cabinet member he would suggest to take over from Daniel Craig as the next James Bond, and he said: "William Hague's fit, he's healthy, he does yoga - he can probably crack a man's skull between his kneecaps."
What the hell went on in Cabinet?
In answer to the same question, Nigel Farage (in a uncharacteristcally egotistical moment for him) suggested himself, and Ed Miliband said Rosamund Pike as the first female Bond, as he continued to flirt with the entirety of the liberal female population.
Read the full article here.

25th April: David Cameron forgets which football team he “supports”.
Embarrassment for David Cameron as he forgot which football team he supports. Mr Cameron, who claims an allegiance to Aston Villa, exhorted undecideds to support West Ham. The only possible confusion there is that they both play in claret and blue, but Cameron put the slip down to "brain fade". This raises questions. Does the PM get confused during World Cups and start supporting Germany over England? Is he, in fact, colour blind and decided to become PM because he was frustrated at not being allowed to be a pilot? He would have liked being a pilot. All those stewardesses he could have told to calm down.
There are a few reasons why this may have happened: temporary insanity, sucking up to Karen Brady, or (most likely) not having written the speech himself. I mean one can picture a Tory writer remembering what colour DC's team played in, not bothering to check, and leaving Cameron too embarrassed to admit the mistake.
Alternatively, this utterly harmless and mildly amusing gaffe was down to Cameron's being a devious shit. Or so says Alastair Campbell who believes that this alone is enough to turf the PM out of office. Campbell should count his blessings, for he is a Burnley fan, and they also play in claret and blue.
Read the full article here.

26th April: Boris Johnson and Ed Miliband clash on Andrew Marr’s sofa.
Boris got out wondering whether his apparent toppling in sex appeal had anything to do with him. Perhaps word had got about that, at the moment of climax, he made a point of shouting "Veni, vidi, vici".
He had quite enough of all of this, but then he got a phone call from a sobbing Lynton Crosby.
"Are you still at the Beeb, Bojo?"
"No, Lynton."
"Go back!"
"You have to do something. Ed said that I should be fired. He doesn't like me, Boris, and I think I might be in love with him."
"Et tu Lynton?" said Boris. "Then fall, Johnson!"
Read the full article here.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

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