13th
April: The Labour Party launch their
manifesto, promising to cut the deficit every year.
6.00am
Today Labour is publishing its
manifesto, and the critics are divided.Guardian Books calls it an
“optimistic work of social-realism”, The Times Literary Supplement calls
it “a densely-written work of fantasy”, and Tom Paulin hated it.
The Tories launch tomorrow, and Guardian
Books calls the Conservative manifesto “a pessimistic depiction of a
dystopian future”, The Times Literary Supplement calls it “a
considered and assured work of fluent prose”, and Tom Paulin hated it.
No-one’s bothered reading the
advanced copies of the Lib Dem Manifesto, but Tom Paulin hated it.
Read the full article here.
14th
April: The Conservatives launch
their manifesto, claiming to be the real party of working people.
1.23pm
Over lunch at Labour Headquarters,
the Tory manifesto is greeted with derision.
“They’re not the party of working
people,” scoffs Ed Balls. “We are!”
“No wait,” interjects Chuka Umunna.
“I thought we were the party of fiscal responsibility.”
“I thought we were the Judean
People’s Front,” mutters Douglas Alexander with a resigned tone, as he looks
through a brochure for potential constituencies south of the border.
Read the full article here.
15th
April: The Lib Dems and UKIP
unveil their manifestos, the Lib Dems from Battersea, and UKIP from Royston
Vasey.
10.00am
The hour is fast approaching for Nick
Clegg to make his case to the nation, and he will do it in a trendy venue in
Battersea. It has been a rough campaign for the Lib Dems, and indeed a rough
week. Not only are people ignoring strong performances in debates and TV
interviews, but yesterday their battle bus broke down as well, leading to many
obvious jokes at their expense. Nick strides out onto stage filled with energy
and vigour, and gives a characteristic performance from this campaign in that:
a) He is confident.
b) He is gutsy about his record.
c) No-one is listening.
“We will add a heart to a
Conservative Government and a brain to a Labour one,” says Clegg, suggesting
that the Lib Dems are a sort of Frankenstein’s Monster of British politics. “We
will add a gall bladder to David Cameron, a spleen to Ed Miliband, and an
appendix to History.”
Read the full article here.
16th
April: Opposition leaders prepare
for a debate, whilst David Cameron has revealed his anger in an interview with
Evan Davis.
8.00am
“Are you going to watch the debate
tonight?” asked Samantha.
“Debate? What debate?” responded the
worried PM. “I didn’t sign up to any more debates. I told them – one debate
where I could be aloof and distant and wave photocopies about, whilst everyone
shouts at each other. Debates make me angry. I’m a very angry man. Did you see
me with Evan Davis last night? I was a vision of fury.”
“Calm down dear,” said Samantha.
“It’s the Challengers’ Debate. Everyone apart from you and Nick. Remember?”
“Oh yes,” said David, recalling his
dreams of Nicola Sturgeon tearing Ed Miliband apart. “They’re not
empty-chairing me are they?”
“Don’t think so.”
“Empty chairs make me angry too. I’m
adding them to the book,” he said as he took out a little notebook engraved
with the title: The Little Book of Rage.
Read the full article here.
17th
April: There is a muted reaction
to the Challengers’ Debate, whilst UKIP officially join the Dark Side.
5.00pm
Bit of a POET’S Day feeling (Piss Off Early Tomorrow’s Saturday)
to today’s campaigning. Nevertheless, the press and the pollsters are ensuring
that the important questions are asked. To that end, they have polled: what are
the parties’ views on Star Wars?
With a new trailer for The
Force Awakens being released
yesterday, Star Wars fever is gripping the globe, and
we now have comprehensive data on how the parties relate to this, courtesy of The Daily Telegraph’s Asa Bennett.
Lib Dem supporters like the series the most. The Conservative
supporters like Han Solo the best, which is odd because he is a smuggler and
tax evader. Labour supporters also like Solo, because he is someone he starts
it sticking it to the establishment, and then ends up becoming part of it.
However, the standout stat is that UKIP’s favourite character is
Darth Vader, despite the fact that he is an immigrant to both the Dark Side and
the Galactic Republic. Intolerant, pro-military, and driven by a dark heart of
hate, UKIP won the European elections last year.
Read the full article here.
18th
April: Nigel Farage compares
himself to Gandhi.
3.53pm
Nigel Farage is not a man for understatement,
and this weekend he has been at it again. He’s compared himself to Gandhi.
Speaking on Saturday, he said:
"I am taking on the status quo. I am taking on their very, very
comfortable lives. But if you look through history anybody that challenges the
status quo, whether in business, science or politics, they have a go at you.
And it was Gandhi, of course, who said 'first they ignore you, then they laugh
at you, then they fight you and then you win'."
A rather extraordinary comparison,
particularly considering that Gandhi was a one-time
expatriate, ascetic, and tee-total. Whereas, Nigel Farage dislikes all
expatriates, is given to self-indulgence, and thinks tee-totalism is something
to do with golf.
But you have to applaud the gutsiness
of the man. Keep going Nige, because first they ignore you, then they laugh at
you, then they laugh at you some more, and then you compare yourself
to Gandhi and they roll around on the floor pissing themselves.
As if to reinforce the questionable
strength of the comparison, a UKIP councillor was arrested this weekend in
connection with an alleged assault at a meeting of the anti-extremist group
Hope Not Hate. Hard to think of anything less in keeping with the life
of Gandhi than an act of violence against a peaceful group.
Read the full article here.
19th
April: David Cameron is grilled
by Andrew Marr, and Ed Miliband is graced by a hen party.
10.01am
Angry David Cameron woke up the
nation this morning with another raging performance on The Andrew Marr
Show. The first question was whether the Tories’ private polling said that
they have close to no chance of forming a majority. Cameron insisted that
private polling does show a chance of a majority, adding that the research also
shows that Elvis is alive, pig-aviation is more probable than not, and reports
of bear defecation in the woods have been greatly exaggerated.
Time is running out for the Prime
Minister, with recent polls seeming to give Labour a small lead. He still has
to persuade very many people, and Cameron refers to such moments as an “essay
crisis”, which means that over the past five years he hasn't done any of the
reading, has been partying too much, and is now running on an ungodly
combination of Red Bull, pizza and Haribo.
Read
the full article here.
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