Firstly, David Cameron has
received a bit of a setback to his plan to bomb Syria. The Foreign Affairs
Select Committee has released a report on the issue which has come up with the
controversial position that if you are going to drop explosives onto a foreign
country then you really should know what your objective actually is. Bomber
Harris would be turning in his grave.
Furthermore, the Committee raises
questions about the legality of any military involvement. So the plans are
possibly illegal and probably going to make things worse than: a combination
which is known in Committee circles as “the Iraq diagnosis.”
Secondly, wounded-weasel and
stunt double for an Imperial officer in Star
Wars, George Osborne, has been in Germany doing some light-diplomacy and
going out for an Italian. He’s so continental. We still have no idea which way
he’s going to campaign in the EU referendum. If only there was some kind of
clue.
Finally, there is the news that
Jeremy Corbyn will not be addressing the CBI, thereby missing a chance to make
his case to business leaders. Presumably that’s due to one of those prior
commitments he so often has. A Republican rally perhaps? Or maybe the Stop the
War coalition is having a smoothie night to celebrate the Foreign Affairs
Select Committee’s report?
In fairness, Cameron doesn’t address
the TUC Conference, but that’s probably for the best. Let me put it this way:
you can’t imagine Corbyn getting literally lynched at the CBI, whereas the PM
would probably be turned into porcine feed so that a pig might actually enjoy
having bits of Cameron put into its mouth.
David Cameron awakes to discover his mobile phone is
melting.
The Daily Mail is
serialising a new unauthorised biography of the PM, written by his former
donor, now nemesis, Lord Ashcroft. In horror, Dave reads of the allegation
that, whilst at university, he "inserted a private part of his anatomy
into a dead pig's mouth".
He goes into the kitchen for breakfast, praying that
Samantha hasn't heard yet.
Before he can say anything, she abruptly hands him a sausage
and bacon sandwich.
They eat in silence.
Political journalists basically have the day off.
Tuesday 22nd
September
“It’s just not fair!” screams Tim Farron.
“Here we are trying to relaunch the Lib Dems and no-one’s
listening to us because everyone’s concerned with whether David Cameron put his
curly in a pig!”
You can understand his pain. The Lib Dems are struggling to
get any airtime at all. It seems to be the case that Lord Ashcroft is taking
vengeance on all those who kept him out of government. After all, he could have
released this at another time.
Though no time would have been good for David Cameron, who
today is visited by François Hollande.
“Don’t worry David,” says the French President. “These
things blow over. I know. Just ask my mistress.”
“I’m just dreading the next few weeks,” replies a browbeaten
PM. “All the sly jokes and innuendoes. It’s already wearing me down.”
“Courage mon brave! Come, let us act like statesmen.”
They head towards the PM’s study and begin talking EU
renegotiation.
“So, mon ami,” says the President, “shall we begin with the
Common Agricultural Policy? I’m sure you have some passionate views on that.”
Wednesday 23rd
September
Finally, the Lib Dems get some limelight as Tim Farron gives
his first speech as party leader.
But enough of that. David Cameron and Lord Ashcroft are
having a ding-dong, if you’ll pardon the expression.
According to the BBC’s James Landale, on Monday night the PM
spoke to a friendly audience at the Conservative Carlton Club. He revealed that
that morning he had been at the doctors suffering from back pain, brought on by
some “over-energetic wood-chopping”, presumably because he was trying to get in
touch with his inner Putin.
The doctor said he needed to administer an injection,
remarking “This will be just a little prick, just a stab in the back.”
“Which rather summed up my day,” said the Prime Minister.
Lord Ashcroft responded on Twitter.
Good to see PM retains his sense of humour. We must have the same doctor. I had the same in 2010 when the PM reneged http://t.co/yKeiZDEOE7
His response: “I am concerned about the alleged knowledge,
or not, of the non-dom status of some of his friends in the House of Lords.”
Oh yes, because whilst everyone – everyone (including this
diarist) – has been revelling in the most macabre pig’s head story since Lord of the Flies, we have been ignoring
more substantive allegations that Cameron knew Lord Ashcroft was a Non Dom long
before the story broke, as well as allegations that Cameron was at loggerheads
with top brass over Libya strategy. Corbyn, meanwhile, has focussed on the real
issues. Who does he think he is? A frontbench politician?
Then he spoils it by saying that a United Ireland is “an
aspiration that I have always gone along with”, which should settle down his
new leadership’s already fraught relationship with Unionists in Northern
Ireland.
At least he said this during such a settled period. It’s not
like the government there has all but collapsed and we are, to borrow a phrase
from John McDonnell, “in danger of losing the peace process”. Clearly he’s been
taking his Shadow Chancellor’s advice on temperate language.
Friday 25th
September
As if to rub salt into the wound of the Lib Dems, #piggate
finally abates just in time for the Green and UKIP conferences to bask in the
now available political coverage.
First, it's Nigel Farage, who is now all about the upcoming
EU referendum, and is beginning the fight with stirring rhetoric.
"The campaign to leave is a united force. That's why we
have two different campaigns currently competing to be the official campaign,
and that's also why I'm backing one of them and my only MP is connected to the
other one. Unity in action!"
Then it's Natalie Bennett, who is to public speaking what
Iain Duncan Smith was to public speaking. She confidently declares that the
"world is embracing Green Party politics".
You can see where she's coming from. At the last election,
universal embracement of Green politics was demonstrated by just under 4% of
the population.
So, less of an embrace, more of a nod to acknowledge it's in
the room, but that's progress.
Meanwhile, David Cameron - who spent the day in a cocoon of
solitude - emerges and asks: "Is it over yet?"
"No," replies an aide. "Farage called you
Piggy in the Middle, and Liz Truss rang up to ask if she could go back to
Beijing to open more pork markets. Though I think she was genuinely asking.
Difficult to say with her."
"Thank you! That'll do!" says Dave before an
awkward silence descends, broken by the impish aide giving into temptation…
"That’ll do pig. That'll do." Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
The new North by North Westminster Podcast is available here.
