Showing posts with label David Cameron. Show all posts
Showing posts with label David Cameron. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

NByNW Diary: Benn Steals the Day by Opposing a Bennite

Wednesday 2nd December
It has been the sort of day which encapsulates the best and worst of our democracy.
The best in that the most important issue of all – the matter of war and peace – was openly discussed in great depth and at great length.
The worst in that those who made mistakes in the heat of the moment were too proud to apologise for it.
Last night, the Prime Minister let his legendary temper get the better of him and said to those Tory backbenchers who were going to vote against military action in Syria that they would be voting with (amongst others) “terrorist sympathisers”. It was insulting and unstatesmanlike, and at the start of today’s epic debate he attempted to play down the scandal, but like a child who was being told to say sorry for something he didn’t feel sorry about, David Cameron did not apologise.
Then 10 hours of debate followed. Numerous speeches were excellent. Both for and against. Yvette Cooper, Margaret Beckett, Andrew Tyrie, Sir Alan Duncan, Angus Roberston all excelled themselves, to name but a few. Hell, even Tim Farron rose to the occasion. In contrast, David Cameron was hampered by his outburst the previous evening, and Jeremy Corbyn was halting and lacking in coherence.
However, like many a Shakespearean drama, the best moment came from the subplot, which has been about the Labour party and the divisions within it. It was encapsulated when Hilary Benn stood up to speak against his leader’s position.

Benn’s famous father Tony may not have delivered the speech that his son did tonight, but he was somehow, seminally present. His son stood up for what he believed. He spoke with passion and verve and if you closed your eyes just a bit you could have seen his progenitor in the mannerisms and gesticulations that he used. When talking of the “fascists” of Daesh who hold everyone else in contempt, he produced a grand sweep of his arm as he pointed to every member of the House. It was a Bennite expression, and will live long in the memory.
Hilary Benn’s speech was about the matter at hand and he made a clear case. But the speech was also about the soul of the Labour party. His leader sat grim-faced behind him, and he got grimmer and grimmer as Benn’s rhetoric soared and drew purrs of approval from the opposition benches behind. It spoke of Labour’s role in founding the UN, in being a party of internationalism. It was not just opposed to his leader’s view on Syria, but to his leader’s foreign policy almost entirely.
As Daniel Finkelstein noted this morning, after the 1970 election defeat his father asked Harold Wilson whether he still had to speak with the opinion of the Shadow Cabinet. Today, his son took on that spirit but the irony of all ironies is this: Hilary Benn tried to reclaim the soul of the Labour party from a Bennite.
His speech was greeted with applause (unparliamentary, but allowed by the fastidious Speaker Bercow), and cries of “outstanding”. His opposite number, Philip Hammond, called it one of the great speeches. When he sat down next to Jeremy Corbyn the tension was palpable. John McDonnell looked crestfallen. The speech of the day had been given in opposition to their position and by their own Foreign Secretary.
Whether you agree with his conclusions or not, to see someone to speak with such passion and energy and conviction and good conscience and import in such extraordinary circumstances is the true celebration of what our Mother of all Parliaments gives a platform for.
The votes began and a hush descended before the result was announced. The motion was carried by 397 to 223: a majority of 174. The word was that 15 Labour waverers were swayed by Benn.
A severe moment, and it is worth echoing the words of Toby Perkins (Labour, Chesterfield) from the debate: “I envy those who describe this choice as a “no brainer”… It’s not been obvious to me, it’s been very, very difficult indeed.” He voted against military action.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

NByNW Diary: Beware of Simplicity in the Syria Debate

Thursday 26th November
This is a rather serious entry. It is also rather long, so for ease it is in sections. The first concerns the events of the Prime Minister’s statement to Parliament on Syria this morning. The second analyses the strategy. The third looks at where this leaves us.

1. The Prime Minister’s Statement
One of the reasons for my lack of levity, is that there doesn’t seem to be much to mock. Today, in many ways, saw the Commons at its best. Normally when the Prime Minister is before the House there is the braying and roaring and besuited hooliganism that makes this diarist, as well as countless others, despair. Not so today.
Today, the Prime Minister made his statement on strategy in Syria, as he builds up for a vote to extend our airstrikes against ISIS from their current mission in Iraq. He spoke eloquently and carefully. There was no bombast, but a frank assessment of the matter at hand and of our ability to deal with it. He proposes that we join the coalition currently bombing ISIS military targets (arms depots, training facilities, oil plants, oil convoys etc.), but has confirmed that no western ground forces will go in (because that doesn’t seem to have gone well in the past). He hopes that a grand coalition can be born out of the myriad forces in conflict in Syria. As for legality, the advice is never published, but the recent UN Resolution 2249 authorises “all necessary measures” to defeat ISIS.
In response, Jeremy Corbyn asked seven pertinent questions. The Prime Minister answered them in a yes/no style, with further elaboration on each point. Angus Robertson of the SNP took a stronger stance against the proposed strikes, but argued his case and reiterated key concerns. He said the SNP will not, at present, vote to support airstrikes.
The session was filled with wisdom and concern, and for a few hours in the morning the frequent cynicism that I feel towards our democratic institution faded.

2. Where are the Flaws in the Strategy?
There can be no doubt, as all of the aforementioned leaders said, that the threat is real and that the suffering is too terrible to ignore. That creates the sense that something must be done but, as Yes Minister fans know, this leads to the danger of politician’s logic:
1. Something must be done.
      2. This is something.
      3. Therefore, I must do it.
Mr Corbyn and Mr Roberston are very right to be cautious, and they raise key issues. Even if these airstrikes are to be meticulously targeted on ISIS’ considerable military organisation, they would at best leave a vacuum in a politically turbulent area. It is not clear what ground forces would be able to secure a military victory, and no ideological consensus there to provide fertile soil for a victory of hearts and minds.
Nevertheless, Mr Cameron is equally right to follow his conscience and make his case. If something must be done, then to do nothing is such a horrific abnegation of responsibility that it should leave us with yet more shame on top of that we have accrued so far this century.
There is likely to be a vote soon – possibly next week – and it seems probable that the airstrikes will be authorised. Mr Cameron still has questions to answer about the long-term strategy, but those who are asking the questions must also seek for alternative answers. It is not enough to find the holes in this road. You have to fill them. Given the immense complexity of this situation, it will require people on all sides to work together.

3. Where Does This Leave Us?
In recent weeks, I have read opinions that describe the proposed intervention as simply us “wanting to play with the big boys”. This seems to be very far from the truth when thousands are being slaughtered in Syria and Iraq, and the threat travels overseas into museums, bars, music venues and more. It is worth saying again, the threat is real – not just to us, but to millions of others. If you care about the migrants who have fled across seas and continents, then you must equally care about those left behind.
We are wary. We are understandably wary. As a country, we are racked with guilt and anger over our obvious and dreadful errors in recent decades. Of course we do not want to repeat them. To his credit, Mr Cameron cites that recent history – even his own mistakes in Libya – and claims to be a student of them. Let us hope that he truly is.
However, many fear that this is just another instance of us sticking our oars into troubled waters only to make them more troubled still. Perhaps so. That is why this kind of scrutiny and debate must be celebrated and not scorned. We can never be certain about anything. All we can do is respectfully listen to all sides and humbly seek as much information as we can.
But, beware of misinformation. Beware of catchy memes. Beware of “facts” that get retweeted a thousand times.
For instance, on today’s Daily Politics, Lindsey German of Stop The War claimed that ISIS was being given arms by Saudi Arabia. It seems to chime with our fears and reservations of the Saudis. It is immensely plausible, and is within a 140 character limit. However, Next to her was Malcolm Chalmers, Director of the respected think tank on such things, the Royal United Services Institute. He had heard of no such evidence, nor could she actually provide it.
None of this grave situation is simple. Therefore, above all, beware simplicity.

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Friday, November 13, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Cameron goes à la Modi

Friday 13th November
Another week, another visit from a controversial national leader. First it was the Chinese President Xi Jinping, then it was the Egyptian President Sisi, and now it is the Prime Minister of India Narendra Modi.
Now, one thing unites all of these people. When it comes to human rights, they are notable – and by “notable”, I mean “not able”. Mr Modi, for instance, whipped up an anti-Islamist fervour whilst he was Chief Minister of Gujarat, which led to riots that caused the deaths of at least 1,000 people. When asked whether he had any regret, he said his feelings were akin to those of a passenger in a car that had just run over a puppy.
Another thing which unites all of those leaders’ countries is that we trade with them. A lot. Jobs and investment here depend on our relationships with those countries. It is somewhat tricky, but the sheer quantity of these visits is very unsettling.
At least Mr Modi is democratically elected, which makes it a little easier – largely on the grounds that he has a large chance of being booted out in the near-future.
In an attempt to distract from some recent bad election results, Mr Modi is holding a rally at Wembley Stadium – à la One Direction. The event will also be attended by that Harry-Styles-esque heartthrob, David Cameron.
It’s one thing to have a diplomatic relationship with this man. It’s one thing to trade with him. It is quite another to go along to one of the largest stadiums in the land and play the political equivalent of Guitar Hero with him. Still – at least he’ll look preposterous.

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Wednesday, November 11, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: A Mr D. Cameron of Witney, Oxfordshire, "upset about cuts"

Wednesday 11th November
Much to cover today.
Firstly, prospective Prime Minister Boris Johnson has gone to the Middle East and has had to cut his visit short because of security concerns he caused. So his list of credentials for the top job just get longer and longer.
He insulted people who support a boycott of Israeli goods, calling them a "bunch of corduroy-jacketed lefties". I wonder who he meant. Perhaps he wasn’t being targeted by Hezbollah but by angry Corbynistas.
Speaking of Corbyn, the Leader of the Opposition is joining the Privy Council today a full month earlier than David Cameron managed, which is just typical of the tardy, unpatriotic shirker that Jez is.
Furthermore, last night he told his Shadow Cabinet that he expected more discipline, which some of them found a bitter pill to swallow as Mr Corbyn is the record-holder for acts of ill-discipline against the Labour whip. It’s a bit like being told to clean-up your sport by the All-Russia Athletics Association.
And speaking of wilful blindness, David Cameron has got into a row with the leader of his local council because they appear to be having to make swingeing cuts to their budget and services.
In other news, the Dark Lord Sauron has complained to the Mordor council about the number of orcs that appear to be in his postcode, and cannot understand how it has anything to do with his policies.

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Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Cameron's Renegotiation Dragged from Obscurity to Vagueness

Tuesday 10th November
The EU renegotiation has hitherto been something akin to David Cameron’s imaginary friend. But no longer, for today it came crashing into a nascent reality with the Prime Minister’s letter on the subject to the President of the European Council, Donald Tusk.
It opens with: “Thank you for inviting me to write setting out the areas where I am seeking reforms to address the concerns of the British people over our membership of the European Union.”
This broadly translates as: “You bastard. I was trying to keep this as vague as possible.”
He goes to highlight some key, vital and, most importantly of all, broadly achievable areas of reform, and it is that last point that has so upset the Tory Eurosceptics.
They are led by Sir William Cash – a man who appears to think that satisfaction is for lesser beings and that having something to complain about is a basic human right.
He doesn’t think that Cameron has gone anywhere near far enough, and he basically wanted half-a-century and more’s worth of European treaties to be torn up because one little island has one big party which can’t pull itself together.
Had he written the letter it would have gone broadly like this:
“What ho, foreigner!
May I just remind you of the following:
Agincourt, Trafalgar, Waterloo, Two World Wars, One World Cup.
So just piss off and leave us with our cod and stop giving it to bloody Spaniards.
Yours disgruntledly,
Bill”
It’s not that the Eurosecptics don’t have a point. It’s just that when they do, nobody cares.

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There are also YouTube videos, such as this one on Corbyn at the Cenotaph:

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Tuesday, November 3, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Cameron's Syria Plan Bombs

Tuesday 3rd November
Bit of a mishmash today.
Firstly, David Cameron has received a bit of a setback to his plan to bomb Syria. The Foreign Affairs Select Committee has released a report on the issue which has come up with the controversial position that if you are going to drop explosives onto a foreign country then you really should know what your objective actually is. Bomber Harris would be turning in his grave.
Furthermore, the Committee raises questions about the legality of any military involvement. So the plans are possibly illegal and probably going to make things worse than: a combination which is known in Committee circles as “the Iraq diagnosis.”
Secondly, wounded-weasel and stunt double for an Imperial officer in Star Wars, George Osborne, has been in Germany doing some light-diplomacy and going out for an Italian. He’s so continental. We still have no idea which way he’s going to campaign in the EU referendum. If only there was some kind of clue.
Finally, there is the news that Jeremy Corbyn will not be addressing the CBI, thereby missing a chance to make his case to business leaders. Presumably that’s due to one of those prior commitments he so often has. A Republican rally perhaps? Or maybe the Stop the War coalition is having a smoothie night to celebrate the Foreign Affairs Select Committee’s report?

In fairness, Cameron doesn’t address the TUC Conference, but that’s probably for the best. Let me put it this way: you can’t imagine Corbyn getting literally lynched at the CBI, whereas the PM would probably be turned into porcine feed so that a pig might actually enjoy having bits of Cameron put into its mouth.

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Friday, October 30, 2015

The North by North Westminster: The Lizards Who Rule the World Have Been Revealed

Friday 30th October
There are those who are convinced that the world is run by unseen forces; that all of our political systems and markets and our very lives are controlled by malign, anonymous powers. Until this week, I have been utterly dismissive of this idea. But no longer, for I believe this insidious force has been uncovered this week. And it’s…
Lego.
Yes, the Danish, tiny brick manufacturer has a degree of influence which is terrifying. Firstly this week, they refused to supply a large order of bricks to the Chinese artist Ai Weiwei, saying that they don’t supply bricks for political statements.
Which is odd, because yesterday in Reykjavik, a summit of European leaders, including David Cameron, featured a number of activities, including making a duck out of six pieces of Lego.
See: at the same time, Lego is stifling freedom of expression, and influencing European statesmanship. They are the lizards who rule the world.
It makes sense when you think about it. After all, why do you think they built Legoland in Windsor? Saves on Liz’s travel expenses.

The New North by North Westminster Podcast is available here.

And here is a NByNW Balloon Debate - The Commons vs The Lords


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Thursday, October 29, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Chilcot is the Two Million Word Man

Thursday 29th October
Poor John Chilcot. He is loathed by everyone.
He’s loathed by the public because he has taken too long to publish his report into the Iraq War.
He’s loathed by David Cameron because he has taken too long to publish his report into the Iraq War.
And he’s loathed by Tony Blair because he hasn’t taken long enough to publish his report into the Iraq War.
Today, he has finally revealed the timetable for the release of that report, and it’s going to be another eight or nine months before we see it.
This had led to more exasperation from all those who have waited patiently for answers, and Sir John seems to be the main target for their ire.
“This is so unfair,” he screams. “I’ve written two million words in this report. Two million! That’s seven-and-a-half times the length of Ulysses, the most infamously impenetrable novel of all time.”
“Yeah,” says Lady Chilcot, “but is your prose as soaring?”

“Right, that’s it!” he declares. “I’m rewriting the whole thing in iambic pentameter!”

The New North by North Westminster Podcast is available here.

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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

The North by North Westminster: Jeremy Whiteadder Chastises the Wicked Child from No 10

Wednesday 28th October
Fans of Blackadder will recall the episode where, on the same night, Edmund has to hold a piss-up in one room of his house, and stress his puritanical credentials to his aunt and uncle in another room. There was something of that in Prime Minister’s Questions today, as the Tories sounded like a bunch of yobs on the sauce, and Mr Corbyn sounded like Lady Whiteadder chastising with the phrase “wicked child”.
The issue was, as one would expect, tax credits. Jeremy wanted to know whether the Prime Minister could guarantee today that no-one would be worse off next year under the revised proposals. The Prime Minister responded that the honourable gentleman (note the lack of “right” in that title) would have to wait for the Autumn Statement.
The PM sat down to the tune of some braying from his rowdy supporters, before Jez hit back by asking the simple yes or no question again. The PM responded with the same answer, and sat down to the tune of some more braying.
Not showing any hint of exasperation, Mr Corbyn continued with “This is the time where we ask questions to the Prime Minister on behalf of the people of this country.”
At which point, one of the hoodlums from the Treasury Bench thought it was a good idea to shout out with a gibe. Jez gave his now characteristic glare over the rim of his glasses – a look which translates as “Wicked child!”
The pisshead-impressionists hollered at the perfectly calm Leader of the Opposition, who looked as though he was growing into his role in much the same way as his tie is growing into his collar. He stood for ten seconds waiting for the Tories to shut their gobs. He asked the question again, and the same uncommitted response came forth.
Jez asked the question a fourth time, and a female Labour MP shouted “Answer the question!” That really got the lads going, with some hooting and ooing. Honestly, their repertoire of noises is so bestial that it could be used by a sound editor on a David Attenborough programme.
This time, David Flashman thought it that a taunt of his own was in order. Citing the activity of the Lords earlier this week, he declared that there was a new alliance between “the unelected and the unelectable”. The party behind him loved that, roaring “More! More!”; clearly unaware that they sounded like a repellent rugby society.
Corbyn tried a different tactic, citing Michael Gove’s statement in the election that tax credits would not be raised. At this point, the thought occurred that the PM was reluctant to answer questions because the answer he gave on this very issue in the election edition of Question Time had come back to haunt him so. In his answer, where he evaded the question once again, he had the temerity to tell Mr Corbyn to “get off the fence”.
Against a wall of growling, Jez tried one last time to get an answer, this time with a question from Karen. At which point, Conservative MPs snorted their derision.
“It might be very amusing to members opposite, but I was sent this question by Karen” said Jeremy. And it turned out that Karen works full-time at the living wage. She would lose hundreds of pounds. Comedy gold, you will agree.
“I ask him for a sixth time,” sighed Corbyn, and for the sixth time answer came there none.

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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Cameron Keeps His Friends Close, and His Financiers Closer

Tuesday 20th October
There’s a State Visit in town, and after last week’s controversies over our relationship with Saudi Arabia, David Cameron could really use the visit being from a country with an excellent human rights record.
It’s not from one of those.
Still, just so long as it’s an economic partner who is contributing to the greater good of British industry, and not, for instance, one that is actually directly responsible for… oh, I don’t know... this week's collapse of our steel industry, say.
Oh dear. It appears the state in question is exactly that.
The Chinese President, Xi Jinping, is here, with all the usual fanfare of a State Visit, but with a more than usual number of awkward questions. Why do you arrest so many political opponents? Why do you allow sweat shops? Why are we putting up with your cheap steel that’s destroying one of our last industries standing? You know – the sort of light dinner party conversation you’d expect at Jeremy Corbyn’s house, and why all eyes are on him at tonight’s state banquet.
They are big and important questions though, and given them it is concerning the President Xi told Parliament today that Britain and China are becoming “a community of shared interests”. Be calmed though. It seems like our shared interests only include money, energy infrastructure, football and money again.
And we have spoken to China about human rights, with the now traditional game of inter-governmental charades, where David Cameron tries to get President Xi to guess “human rights”. Upon the President’s correct guess, he asks “What are human rights?”, to which the Prime Minister responds “They’re not important. It’s just important that we mentioned them.”
It took a while to get to that stage. The Prime Minister attempted the first word by pointing to himself repeatedly, and Mr Xi only got to “human” via guesses of “toff”, “lame duck” and “Miss Piggy’s fiancé”.

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Monday, October 19, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Cameron Goes to Extremes

Monday 19th October
David Cameron is having one of those awkward British moments. You know the sort. You really want to talk honestly about race or religion and you don’t want to upset anybody, but then in your efforts to Morris dance round the subject, you end up saying something that upsets a lot of people.
As it happens, he was talking about Islamic Extremism, and whilst he went so far as to say that “extremists in no way represent the true spirit of Islam”, his actual programme ended up pissing off a lot of the Muslims he was trying to engage.
The Muslim Council of Britain was particularly irate. It’s Secretary General, Dr Shuja Shafi, said moves actually suggested "all aspects of Muslim life must undergo a 'compliance' test to prove our loyalty to this country", and that he detected “McCarthyist undertones”.
No doubt, these moves that particularly single out one religion carry a great risk of alienation, but “McCarthyist” seems a little alarmist. Maybe it’s something about the difference between British and American political discourse, but you can’t really imagine a parliamentary committee routinely asking people “Are you now or have you ever been an attendee at a community centre in Bradford that we’re not quite sure about?”
Anyway, in an attempt to pour oil on the waters, the Prime Minister sent out Theresa May, who has a recent track record of unifying rhetoric and impeccably judged comments on multiculturalism.
The Home Secretary said that the Government was aiming at “all those who spread hate”, and included neo-Nazism in this. This appears to be quite a sound doctrine, and to that end, Ms May should perhaps take a look at a really vile, divisive and poisonous speech that was delivered by a crazed zealot in Manchester earlier this month. She shouldn’t have to look too far to find it. She probably still has a draft of it in her office.

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Friday, October 9, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Tony Cameron Begins "New Tory" Project

Monday 5th October
The Conservative Conference is under way in Manchester, and today it is the opportunity of real, living ventriloquist doll George Osborne to make his case to the nation. Painting a picture of the steady construction of a new Britain, he frequently repeated “We are the builders”. And who can deny that the Tories are? I mean, look at all the spare houses they’ve built.
Controversies remain over the changes to tax credits though. Jeremy Hunt lurches to George’s defence by saying that the new policies will encourage Britons to work hard “like the Chinese”. It is claimed that he has been wilfully misquoted, but he definitely drew the comparison. Pity the little children of the Hunt household, for theirs is a childhood of early starts, late finishes and homemade Nike trainers.

Tuesday 6th October
This morning, the Prime Minister is spending time insisting that his “great team” are focussed on the job of governing, and not on who’s going to succeed him at the end of the Parliament. Though, with key members of his “great team” working together to suggest that they would be a great successor, currently DC is to team management what Stuart Lancaster is to team management.
Today, Theresa May is trying to get some momentum behind her in the party by performing her new Concerto for Dog-Whistles. In her Conference speech, the Home Secretary delivers a staggering rejection of the worth of immigration which flies in the face of her department’s own figures, dodging the complexities of the issue which it is her job to master. Oh, and she crowbars in a disparaging remark about Europe as well. Just to get some hard right juices really flowing.

Wednesday 7th October
And so we come to David Cameron’s conference speech. It begins as one might expect with triumphalism and attacks on Labour, particularly their “security-threatening, terrorist sympathising. Britain-hating,” oft-misquoted, cycling, gardening, seems quite nice on the whole, leader.
Labour say this attack is a sign that Cameron is “rattled”. Which seems odd because he then calmly proceeded to move the Conservative Party to Blairite ground. Not just a little bit. Almost utterly.
This is "New Tory". The speech contained numerous liberal passages, delivered with apparent conviction, on issues such as discrimination, equality and prisons. Cameron even made proud mention of ministers who are the children of immigrants. To which Theresa May applauded, apparently with no sense of irony
This was the most lefty speech the Tory Conference had heard for… well, possibly ever. They applauded it several times, though there was no mention of the tax credit cuts (how’s that working for your “party that helps the poor”), and there was no mention of the environment, but I understand that that’s because those huskies got a restraining order.
Centre-left commentators on Twitter were in a full-blown identity crisis, whilst Corbynistas expressed outrage and heavy scepticism, arguing that his sweet words were betrayed by his harsh reality.
Cameron won’t mind though. His speech was very well-received. Even by Tony Blair, who sent him a short text simply saying: “You have done well, my apprentice.”

Thursday 8th October
One thing we can be sure of in this strange new age is that Jeremy Corbyn hates Britain. The Prime Minister told me so.
But, perhaps I was misinformed. So, I turn to the right-wing press, and I am told that he thinks he’s better than the Queen. The traitor.
He’s skipping today’s Privy Council meeting, where he would have to meet HMQ in what is largely a formality, because he has “prior commitments”. The Britain-despising bastard.
He’s not like David Cameron. When he became leader, he took three months to go to a PC meeting. Whereas Corbyn still hasn’t knelt before the hereditary Head of State, and he has been in the job for… less than a month.
Oh.
It occurs to me that…
perhaps…
this story is bollocks.

Friday 9th October
The Leave the EU camp, which Nigel Farage declared to be unified two weeks ago, has achieved ever closer unity with the creation of yet another rivalling campaign seeking the designation of official campaign to leave.
This is “Vote Leave”, a cross-party campaign with the support of, amongst others, UKIP’s only MP Douglas Carswell, because his party is so unified. They have millionaire donors, and a flashy ad where an economic case is made, but the key image is the spectre of St Thomas’ Hospital evaporating into the sky if we stay in. Which seems like an extravagant policy even for Brussels.
Surely we’re able to agree that forced vaporisation of healthcare facilities must be stopped?
Well, we are, but I’m not sure that the disparate Leave camps can. They appear to hate the European Union so much that they have taken against all forms of unity in general.


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Friday, September 25, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Of Pigs and Men

Monday 21st September
David Cameron awakes to discover his mobile phone is melting.
The Daily Mail is serialising a new unauthorised biography of the PM, written by his former donor, now nemesis, Lord Ashcroft. In horror, Dave reads of the allegation that, whilst at university, he "inserted a private part of his anatomy into a dead pig's mouth".
He goes into the kitchen for breakfast, praying that Samantha hasn't heard yet.
Before he can say anything, she abruptly hands him a sausage and bacon sandwich.
They eat in silence.
Political journalists basically have the day off.

Tuesday 22nd September
“It’s just not fair!” screams Tim Farron.
“Here we are trying to relaunch the Lib Dems and no-one’s listening to us because everyone’s concerned with whether David Cameron put his curly in a pig!”
You can understand his pain. The Lib Dems are struggling to get any airtime at all. It seems to be the case that Lord Ashcroft is taking vengeance on all those who kept him out of government. After all, he could have released this at another time.
Though no time would have been good for David Cameron, who today is visited by François Hollande.
“Don’t worry David,” says the French President. “These things blow over. I know. Just ask my mistress.”
“I’m just dreading the next few weeks,” replies a browbeaten PM. “All the sly jokes and innuendoes. It’s already wearing me down.”
“Courage mon brave! Come, let us act like statesmen.”
They head towards the PM’s study and begin talking EU renegotiation.
“So, mon ami,” says the President, “shall we begin with the Common Agricultural Policy? I’m sure you have some passionate views on that.”

Wednesday 23rd September
Finally, the Lib Dems get some limelight as Tim Farron gives his first speech as party leader.
But enough of that. David Cameron and Lord Ashcroft are having a ding-dong, if you’ll pardon the expression.
According to the BBC’s James Landale, on Monday night the PM spoke to a friendly audience at the Conservative Carlton Club. He revealed that that morning he had been at the doctors suffering from back pain, brought on by some “over-energetic wood-chopping”, presumably because he was trying to get in touch with his inner Putin.
The doctor said he needed to administer an injection, remarking “This will be just a little prick, just a stab in the back.”
“Which rather summed up my day,” said the Prime Minister.
Lord Ashcroft responded on Twitter.
Ashcroft had said his book was not about “settling scores”. Which makes his little Twitter outburst not so much a Freudian Slip as a Freudian Klaxon.

Thursday 24th September
Amidst all of this, Jeremy Corbyn has barely featured thisweek, but now he has done an interview with TheNew Statesman. So, can the man who doesn’t involve himself in personal attacks resist the temptation to remark on #piggate?
His response: “I am concerned about the alleged knowledge, or not, of the non-dom status of some of his friends in the House of Lords.”
Oh yes, because whilst everyone – everyone (including this diarist) – has been revelling in the most macabre pig’s head story since Lord of the Flies, we have been ignoring more substantive allegations that Cameron knew Lord Ashcroft was a Non Dom long before the story broke, as well as allegations that Cameron was at loggerheads with top brass over Libya strategy. Corbyn, meanwhile, has focussed on the real issues. Who does he think he is? A frontbench politician?
Then he spoils it by saying that a United Ireland is “an aspiration that I have always gone along with”, which should settle down his new leadership’s already fraught relationship with Unionists in Northern Ireland.
At least he said this during such a settled period. It’s not like the government there has all but collapsed and we are, to borrow a phrase from John McDonnell, “in danger of losing the peace process”. Clearly he’s been taking his Shadow Chancellor’s advice on temperate language.

Friday 25th September
As if to rub salt into the wound of the Lib Dems, #piggate finally abates just in time for the Green and UKIP conferences to bask in the now available political coverage.
First, it's Nigel Farage, who is now all about the upcoming EU referendum, and is beginning the fight with stirring rhetoric.
"The campaign to leave is a united force. That's why we have two different campaigns currently competing to be the official campaign, and that's also why I'm backing one of them and my only MP is connected to the other one. Unity in action!"
Then it's Natalie Bennett, who is to public speaking what Iain Duncan Smith was to public speaking. She confidently declares that the "world is embracing Green Party politics".
You can see where she's coming from. At the last election, universal embracement of Green politics was demonstrated by just under 4% of the population.
So, less of an embrace, more of a nod to acknowledge it's in the room, but that's progress.
Meanwhile, David Cameron - who spent the day in a cocoon of solitude - emerges and asks: "Is it over yet?"
"No," replies an aide. "Farage called you Piggy in the Middle, and Liz Truss rang up to ask if she could go back to Beijing to open more pork markets. Though I think she was genuinely asking. Difficult to say with her."
"Thank you! That'll do!" says Dave before an awkward silence descends, broken by the impish aide giving into temptation…
"That’ll do pig. That'll do."

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense. 

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