NByNW Diary: Hilary Benn's Mysterious Phone Call

Thursday 3rd December

6.00am

Hilary Benn wakes up. Same time as he does every day. Nothing feels any different from any other day.

6.01am

Hilary Benn’s phone rings. He answers

“Hampsted 001138, Benn Household, Mr Benn speaking.”

“Is it safe?” says the posh voice on the other end of the line.

“I hope so,” says Mr Benn. “I’m still in my pyjamas”.

“You cannot know who I am.”

“You sound like Tristram Hunt.”

“No, no. I’m definitely not him.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” said Mr Benn, putting his trade mark specs on.

“I am a member of the insurgency.”

“Insurgency?” asked Hilary.

“Against Jeremy Corbyn.”

“I thought he was the insurgency.”

“We’re the insurgency against the insurgency,” said the posh voice.

“That’s rather confusing. Like a party with a leader and foreign secretary with completely different foreign policies.”

“Okay. We’re like the rebellion in Star Wars.”

“Don’t let a Corbynista hear you say that,” warned Mr Benn. “They’ll beat you to death with a plastic lightsabre.”

“The point is – we’re trying to save the Labour party from Corbyn.”

“Oh, but he’s a decent man and he has a mandate,” said Mr Benn.

“No! Hilary – your speech last night. It’s changed the way people see you. People are talking of you as a future leader. A future Prime Minister.”

“Oh – I’m not interested in that. I just want to do my job and my duty and then come home and cook excellent vegetarian food, washed down with ginger beer.”

“No!” said the voice once more. “It has to be you.”

“Look, last night I just spoke from my conscience and said what I thought was right.”

“Yes, and it was the first time a Labour moderate did that since Robin Cook. It was electrifying.”

“I just want to go and have my Corn Flakes and go to work.”

“Look – when Corbyn speaks from his conscience, all of his fans think that he’s some kind of vegan, atheist Jesus. When one of us speaks from his conscience, the Corbynistas think that we’re evil, agnostic Jesus. But you could be different.”

“I want an atmosphere of free debate and to work with the elected leader of the Labour Party.”

“Fine!” shouted the angry voice. “Do you not want power?”

“No.”

“Oh,” replied the other voice, audibly shocked. “Really? I don’t understand.”

“I just spoke my mind not because I wanted to advance my career but because I thought it was right. You’d think that a supporter of Corbyn would admire that.”

“You think they might?” asked the voice.

“I hope they will,” said Benn.

“Good luck with that.”

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NByNW Diary: Benn Steals the Day by Opposing a Bennite

Wednesday 2^nd December

It has been the sort of day which encapsulates the best and worst of our democracy.

The best in that the most important issue of all – the matter of war and peace – was openly discussed in great depth and at great length.

The worst in that those who made mistakes in the heat of the moment were too proud to apologise for it.

Last night, the Prime Minister let his legendary temper get the better of him and said to those Tory backbenchers who were going to vote against military action in Syria that they would be voting with (amongst others) “terrorist sympathisers”. It was insulting and unstatesmanlike, and at the start of today’s epic debate he attempted to play down the scandal, but like a child who was being told to say sorry for something he didn’t feel sorry about, David Cameron did not apologise.

Then 10 hours of debate followed. Numerous speeches were excellent. Both for and against. Yvette Cooper, Margaret Beckett, Andrew Tyrie, Sir Alan Duncan, Angus Roberston all excelled themselves, to name but a few. Hell, even Tim Farron rose to the occasion. In contrast, David Cameron was hampered by his outburst the previous evening, and Jeremy Corbyn was halting and lacking in coherence.

However, like many a Shakespearean drama, the best moment came from the subplot, which has been about the Labour party and the divisions within it. It was encapsulated when Hilary Benn stood up to speak against his leader’s position.

Benn’s famous father Tony may not have delivered the speech that his son did tonight, but he was somehow, seminally present. His son stood up for what he believed. He spoke with passion and verve and if you closed your eyes just a bit you could have seen his progenitor in the mannerisms and gesticulations that he used. When talking of the “fascists” of Daesh who hold everyone else in contempt, he produced a grand sweep of his arm as he pointed to every member of the House. It was a Bennite expression, and will live long in the memory.

Hilary Benn’s speech was about the matter at hand and he made a clear case. But the speech was also about the soul of the Labour party. His leader sat grim-faced behind him, and he got grimmer and grimmer as Benn’s rhetoric soared and drew purrs of approval from the opposition benches behind. It spoke of Labour’s role in founding the UN, in being a party of internationalism. It was not just opposed to his leader’s view on Syria, but to his leader’s foreign policy almost entirely.

As Daniel Finkelstein noted this morning, after the 1970 election defeat his father asked Harold Wilson whether he still had to speak with the opinion of the Shadow Cabinet. Today, his son took on that spirit but the irony of all ironies is this: Hilary Benn tried to reclaim the soul of the Labour party from a Bennite.

His speech was greeted with applause (unparliamentary, but allowed by the fastidious Speaker Bercow), and cries of “outstanding”. His opposite number, Philip Hammond, called it one of the great speeches. When he sat down next to Jeremy Corbyn the tension was palpable. John McDonnell looked crestfallen. The speech of the day had been given in opposition to their position and by their own Foreign Secretary.

Whether you agree with his conclusions or not, to see someone to speak with such passion and energy and conviction and good conscience and import in such extraordinary circumstances is the true celebration of what our Mother of all Parliaments gives a platform for.

The votes began and a hush descended before the result was announced. The motion was carried by 397 to 223: a majority of 174. The word was that 15 Labour waverers were swayed by Benn.

A severe moment, and it is worth echoing the words of Toby Perkins (Labour, Chesterfield) from the debate: “I envy those who describe this choice as a “no brainer”… It’s not been obvious to me, it’s been very, very difficult indeed.” He voted against military action.

NByNW Diary: Beating Drums

Monday 30^th November

Drums. Drums in the deep.

Today, drums in the deep for Jeremy Corbyn. He walked in confident into his Shadow Cabinet meeting. After all, he had received a 3-to-1 measure of support from party members and was sure that the mood had swung behind him.

But he thought this was about the debate over the war. He was wrong.

Shadow Cabinet Members both for and against airstrikes said that they thought that the leadership could not impose its will on this, taking particular ire against the Labour Leader’s infamous letter on Friday – whilst internal party discussions were ongoing.

According to The New Statesman, Corbyn was adamant until he realised that Hilary Benn would retire to the backbenches to voice his support for strikes, and that significant numbers of his Shadow Cabinet would perform their own strike by refusing to leave the room until he relented and gave them not only a free vote, but also leave Labour’s official position unaltered.

Corbyn foiled by a sit-in protest. Even he must see the irony, but he must also know that his assassins are just waiting and waiting and waiting for Corbyn’s very own Ides of March.

Drums in the deep too for Labour in general. None of them comes out well from this, and on Thursday they face a by-election in Oldham. They are still favourites to win but with a majority down from nearly 14,000 to just 2,000. It is easy to just blame it on Corbyn, but this sort of division and adolescent infighting from all sides in the party surely have not helped their electability.

Finally, drums in the deep for war. At least, that would be the dramatic way to conclude this. The truth is that not just a war but war upon wars have been raging for years now. Nor are we seemingly about to join it. We already have. We are potentially about to expand our operation from Iraq to Syria. This is not the crucial moment but a prequel to it.

The drums in the deep shall beat for a good while longer yet.

More content from North by North Westminster is abundant. Below is a story on Philip Hammond's extraordinary excuse for accepting a gift some £1,810 above the government limit.

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NByNW Diary: Should Corbyn Stay or Should He Go If He Decides Not To Rock the Casbahs?

Friday 27^th November

I’m going to get some letter paper headed up with “It’s been another bad day for Labour”. It seems increasingly useful. After all, no-one can claim that Labour have had a good day, but there’s cacophonous squabbling over whose fault that is.

Here’s what’s happened.

Yesterday, after the Prime Minister’s statement on Syria, the Shadow Cabinet went to go and discuss the matter. There was a split in the opinion. Which was fine. It was decided that a decision would be taken on Monday through the Shadow Cabinet and the Parliamentary Labour Party. So far so good.

Then, Hilary Benn went out and said that there was a “compelling” case for strikes. Two hours later, Jeremy Corbyn wrote a letter to Labour MPs saying that he could not support the strikes because he does not think that they can assist our security.

Cue outrage against Corbyn from Labour MPs, describing this as an attempt to whip up fervour amongst the grassroots pressure group Momentum, in order to scare Labour MPs into voting against their consciences but with the leadership.

Very odd this. It appears that it was wrong of Corbyn to express his opposition, but it was fine for Benn to express his support. Whilst private discussions are ongoing, both men were ill-advised.

Labour Party Members are furious. After all, 6 out of 10 of them voted for this man and they are tired of the Parliamentary Party constantly sniping at him. Furthermore, Labour Party Members are 2 to 1 against the strikes, according to YouGov. Surely, Labour MPs should take this into account?

Ah, but they also need to take into account their constituents, and the same YouGov Poll says that the general public are 2 to 1 in favour of the strikes.

It is a fraught situation, but, nevertheless, the Labour Party looks shambolic, childish and petulant.

Just to throw yet another spanner in the works, Corbynista and the world’s newest campaigner for mental health awareness, Ken Livingstone, was on Question Time, where he said that Tony Blair’s decision to invade Iraq killed 52 Londoners in the 7/7 bombings, and he repeated the bombers’ justification that they only murdered because of Iraq.

Whether or not he has got a point doesn’t matter much because, so far as it goes now, we are at the highest level of risk anyway and have prevented 7 terrorist attacks this year. Iraq did make us a greater target for terrorist attacks, but the bullseye that conflict brought on us has never gone away.

Still, why shouldn’t Ken bring up the past? After all, it’s where he lives.

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NByNW Diary: Beware of Simplicity in the Syria Debate

Thursday 26^th November

This is a rather serious entry. It is also rather long, so for ease it is in sections. The first concerns the events of the Prime Minister’s statement to Parliament on Syria this morning. The second analyses the strategy. The third looks at where this leaves us.

1. The Prime Minister’s Statement

One of the reasons for my lack of levity, is that there doesn’t seem to be much to mock. Today, in many ways, saw the Commons at its best. Normally when the Prime Minister is before the House there is the braying and roaring and besuited hooliganism that makes this diarist, as well as countless others, despair. Not so today.

Today, the Prime Minister made his statement on strategy in Syria, as he builds up for a vote to extend our airstrikes against ISIS from their current mission in Iraq. He spoke eloquently and carefully. There was no bombast, but a frank assessment of the matter at hand and of our ability to deal with it. He proposes that we join the coalition currently bombing ISIS military targets (arms depots, training facilities, oil plants, oil convoys etc.), but has confirmed that no western ground forces will go in (because that doesn’t seem to have gone well in the past). He hopes that a grand coalition can be born out of the myriad forces in conflict in Syria. As for legality, the advice is never published, but the recent UN Resolution 2249 authorises “all necessary measures” to defeat ISIS.

In response, Jeremy Corbyn asked seven pertinent questions. The Prime Minister answered them in a yes/no style, with further elaboration on each point. Angus Robertson of the SNP took a stronger stance against the proposed strikes, but argued his case and reiterated key concerns. He said the SNP will not, at present, vote to support airstrikes.

The session was filled with wisdom and concern, and for a few hours in the morning the frequent cynicism that I feel towards our democratic institution faded.

2. Where are the Flaws in the Strategy?

There can be no doubt, as all of the aforementioned leaders said, that the threat is real and that the suffering is too terrible to ignore. That creates the sense that something must be done but, as Yes Minister fans know, this leads to the danger of politician’s logic:

1. Something must be done.

      2. This is something.

      3. Therefore, I must do it.

Mr Corbyn and Mr Roberston are very right to be cautious, and they raise key issues. Even if these airstrikes are to be meticulously targeted on ISIS’ considerable military organisation, they would at best leave a vacuum in a politically turbulent area. It is not clear what ground forces would be able to secure a military victory, and no ideological consensus there to provide fertile soil for a victory of hearts and minds.

Nevertheless, Mr Cameron is equally right to follow his conscience and make his case. If something must be done, then to do nothing is such a horrific abnegation of responsibility that it should leave us with yet more shame on top of that we have accrued so far this century.

There is likely to be a vote soon – possibly next week – and it seems probable that the airstrikes will be authorised. Mr Cameron still has questions to answer about the long-term strategy, but those who are asking the questions must also seek for alternative answers. It is not enough to find the holes in this road. You have to fill them. Given the immense complexity of this situation, it will require people on all sides to work together.

3. Where Does This Leave Us?

In recent weeks, I have read opinions that describe the proposed intervention as simply us “wanting to play with the big boys”. This seems to be very far from the truth when thousands are being slaughtered in Syria and Iraq, and the threat travels overseas into museums, bars, music venues and more. It is worth saying again, the threat is real – not just to us, but to millions of others. If you care about the migrants who have fled across seas and continents, then you must equally care about those left behind.

We are wary. We are understandably wary. As a country, we are racked with guilt and anger over our obvious and dreadful errors in recent decades. Of course we do not want to repeat them. To his credit, Mr Cameron cites that recent history – even his own mistakes in Libya – and claims to be a student of them. Let us hope that he truly is.

However, many fear that this is just another instance of us sticking our oars into troubled waters only to make them more troubled still. Perhaps so. That is why this kind of scrutiny and debate must be celebrated and not scorned. We can never be certain about anything. All we can do is respectfully listen to all sides and humbly seek as much information as we can.

But, beware of misinformation. Beware of catchy memes. Beware of “facts” that get retweeted a thousand times.

For instance, on today’s Daily Politics, Lindsey German of Stop The War claimed that ISIS was being given arms by Saudi Arabia. It seems to chime with our fears and reservations of the Saudis. It is immensely plausible, and is within a 140 character limit. However, Next to her was Malcolm Chalmers, Director of the respected think tank on such things, the Royal United Services Institute. He had heard of no such evidence, nor could she actually provide it.

None of this grave situation is simple. Therefore, above all, beware simplicity.

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NByNW Diary: Don't Be Rude to Ken Livingstone - He'll Insult Entire Sections of Society

Wednesday 18^th November

Today, Labour’s National Executive Committee has decided to appoint former Mayor of London and newt-fancier (no, really – he is) Ken Livingstone to be the joint head of the party’s policy review on Defence, alongside the Shadow Defence Secretary Maria Eagle.

This seems like a definite attempt to ensure that the anti-Trident camp are given as big a voice as possible, and as such it caused a bit of stir.

Kevan Jones MP, who served as a Defence Minister in the Labour government, told PoliticsHome: “I’m not sure Ken knows anything about Defence. It will only damage our credibility amongst those that do and who care about defence.”

To which Livingstone responded: “I think he might need some psychiatric help. He’s obviously very depressed and disturbed. He should pop off and see his GP before he makes these offensive comments.”

Which was inappropriate both generally and specifically. Generally because there is a widespread effort – not least from Jeremy Corbyn – to change attitudes towards mental health, and specifically because Kevan Jones actually has been very depressed, and opened up about this in 2012.

A lot of people were naturally upset, and Mr Jones expressed his offense at the comments.

To which, Mr Livingstone refused to apologise, saying that he grew up in South London where “If someone’s rude to you, you are rude back.” Always a good idea to try and defuse a situation by citing the moral system of a teenager but, given that he grew up in the 50s, I suppose we can just be thankful that he didn’t grow up in the Bronx, where if someone was rude to you, you'd pop a cap in their ass.

With further outcry, Ken finally gave into the pressure:

1/2 I unreservedly apologise to Kevan Jones for my comments. They should not have been made at all, let alone in this context.

— Ken Livingstone (@ken4london) November 18, 2015

2/2 I also make this apology because Jeremy is right to insist on a more civil politics and as a party we should take this seriously

— Ken Livingstone (@ken4london) November 18, 2015

Given that he refused to apologise at 12.30pm, and then volte-faced at 2pm, we can assume that Jeremy did a lot of insisting over a post-PMQs lunch by peering over his glasses and waiting for Ken to stop behaving like an unthinking adolescent.

The North by North Westminster Diary: A Mr D. Cameron of Witney, Oxfordshire, "upset about cuts"

Wednesday 11^th November

Much to cover today.

Firstly, prospective Prime Minister Boris Johnson has gone to the Middle East and has had to cut his visit short because of security concerns he caused. So his list of credentials for the top job just get longer and longer.

He insulted people who support a boycott of Israeli goods, calling them a "bunch of corduroy-jacketed lefties". I wonder who he meant. Perhaps he wasn’t being targeted by Hezbollah but by angry Corbynistas.

Speaking of Corbyn, the Leader of the Opposition is joining the Privy Council today a full month earlier than David Cameron managed, which is just typical of the tardy, unpatriotic shirker that Jez is.

Furthermore, last night he told his Shadow Cabinet that he expected more discipline, which some of them found a bitter pill to swallow as Mr Corbyn is the record-holder for acts of ill-discipline against the Labour whip. It’s a bit like being told to clean-up your sport by the All-Russia Athletics Association.

And speaking of wilful blindness, David Cameron has got into a row with the leader of his local council because they appear to be having to make swingeing cuts to their budget and services.

In other news, the Dark Lord Sauron has complained to the Mordor council about the number of orcs that appear to be in his postcode, and cannot understand how it has anything to do with his policies.

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Cameron's Syria Plan Bombs

Tuesday 3^rd November

Bit of a mishmash today.

Firstly, David Cameron has received a bit of a setback to his plan to bomb Syria. The Foreign Affairs Select Committee has released a report on the issue which has come up with the controversial position that if you are going to drop explosives onto a foreign country then you really should know what your objective actually is. Bomber Harris would be turning in his grave.

Furthermore, the Committee raises questions about the legality of any military involvement. So the plans are possibly illegal and probably going to make things worse than: a combination which is known in Committee circles as “the Iraq diagnosis.”

Secondly, wounded-weasel and stunt double for an Imperial officer in Star Wars, George Osborne, has been in Germany doing some light-diplomacy and going out for an Italian. He’s so continental. We still have no idea which way he’s going to campaign in the EU referendum. If only there was some kind of clue.

Finally, there is the news that Jeremy Corbyn will not be addressing the CBI, thereby missing a chance to make his case to business leaders. Presumably that’s due to one of those prior commitments he so often has. A Republican rally perhaps? Or maybe the Stop the War coalition is having a smoothie night to celebrate the Foreign Affairs Select Committee’s report?

In fairness, Cameron doesn’t address the TUC Conference, but that’s probably for the best. Let me put it this way: you can’t imagine Corbyn getting literally lynched at the CBI, whereas the PM would probably be turned into porcine feed so that a pig might actually enjoy having bits of Cameron put into its mouth.

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The North by North Westminster: Jeremy Whiteadder Chastises the Wicked Child from No 10

Wednesday 28th October

Fans of Blackadder will recall the episode where, on the same night, Edmund has to hold a piss-up in one room of his house, and stress his puritanical credentials to his aunt and uncle in another room. There was something of that in Prime Minister’s Questions today, as the Tories sounded like a bunch of yobs on the sauce, and Mr Corbyn sounded like Lady Whiteadder chastising with the phrase “wicked child”.

The issue was, as one would expect, tax credits. Jeremy wanted to know whether the Prime Minister could guarantee today that no-one would be worse off next year under the revised proposals. The Prime Minister responded that the honourable gentleman (note the lack of “right” in that title) would have to wait for the Autumn Statement.

The PM sat down to the tune of some braying from his rowdy supporters, before Jez hit back by asking the simple yes or no question again. The PM responded with the same answer, and sat down to the tune of some more braying.

Not showing any hint of exasperation, Mr Corbyn continued with “This is the time where we ask questions to the Prime Minister on behalf of the people of this country.”

At which point, one of the hoodlums from the Treasury Bench thought it was a good idea to shout out with a gibe. Jez gave his now characteristic glare over the rim of his glasses – a look which translates as “Wicked child!”

The pisshead-impressionists hollered at the perfectly calm Leader of the Opposition, who looked as though he was growing into his role in much the same way as his tie is growing into his collar. He stood for ten seconds waiting for the Tories to shut their gobs. He asked the question again, and the same uncommitted response came forth.

Jez asked the question a fourth time, and a female Labour MP shouted “Answer the question!” That really got the lads going, with some hooting and ooing. Honestly, their repertoire of noises is so bestial that it could be used by a sound editor on a David Attenborough programme.

This time, David Flashman thought it that a taunt of his own was in order. Citing the activity of the Lords earlier this week, he declared that there was a new alliance between “the unelected and the unelectable”. The party behind him loved that, roaring “More! More!”; clearly unaware that they sounded like a repellent rugby society.

Corbyn tried a different tactic, citing Michael Gove’s statement in the election that tax credits would not be raised. At this point, the thought occurred that the PM was reluctant to answer questions because the answer he gave on this very issue in the election edition of Question Time had come back to haunt him so. In his answer, where he evaded the question once again, he had the temerity to tell Mr Corbyn to “get off the fence”.

Against a wall of growling, Jez tried one last time to get an answer, this time with a question from Karen. At which point, Conservative MPs snorted their derision.

“It might be very amusing to members opposite, but I was sent this question by Karen” said Jeremy. And it turned out that Karen works full-time at the living wage. She would lose hundreds of pounds. Comedy gold, you will agree.

“I ask him for a sixth time,” sighed Corbyn, and for the sixth time answer came there none.

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Only One Direction for Rees-Mogg - Back to the Past

Wednesday 21^st October

The migrant crisis really is just getting worse. There was a full two minute piece about it on the news, and we saw these poor people being herded about the place, all hopeful and expectant, and then being told by a man to go home, and they wept and they wailed. It was a real scene of human misery.

Later, it transpired that this was actually about the cancellation of a One Direction gig. Two minutes coverage on the lunchtime news. The arrival of 114 people on boats at a British base in Cyprus received a cursory mention. Proportionate news broadcasting at its best.

Meanwhile, Wednesday brought another round of Prime Minister’s Questions and Jeremy Corbyn delivered his most assured performance yet, but whenever he had Cameron unsettled, he changed subject.

Tax credits featured heavily, but only one man has identified the real issue. As ever, the matter has only been truly analysed by the searing, contemporary scrutiny of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Yes, the Member for the 19^th Century is worried about the widespread speculation that the House of Lords will chuck out the credit cuts, despite the fact that the Commons has now backed the plans twice.

Now, the Tories don’t have a majority in the Lords, and opposition Peers feel they are entitled to vote against the measure because:

a) it wasn’t in the Tory manifesto, and

b) the piece was introduced as secondary legislation, rather than a finance bill.

On Back to the Future Day, Rees-Mogg’s question took us back to 1678, and led to accusations that he was being “disingenuous” with his critiques of “the other place”.

However, it does seem like a delicious irony that the left may end up thanking their lucky stars when the deliverance from tax credit cuts comes from the House of Lords.

After all, it’s an anachronistic and undemocratic institution: but it works!

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The North by North Westminster Diary: If you U-turn when you're not going anywhere, does it make any difference?

Monday 12^th October

The campaign to stay in the EU launches today as Britain Stronger in Europe, led by Lord Rose, the former boss of M&S. It is packed with leading lights from the worlds of business (Lord Rose), politics (err… Caroline Lucas) and former presenters of T4 (June Sarpong). In fairness, all of them are passionate and effective campaigners and, no doubt, their numbers will be added to.

However, they face accusations that they are using fear to ward off people from changing the status quo. These accusations are dismissed, before the campaign describes leaving the EU as a “leap in the dark”.

Clearly, Lord Rose has enjoyed many relaxing, fearless leaps into the dark. I tend to associate them with falls, bruises and getting into regrettable situations in nightclubs.

Tuesday 13^th October

It was only a matter of time.

The leadership of the Labour party was always on a collision course with the parliamentary party, and at last night’s meeting of the PLP, it all kicked off. John McDonnell told MPs that he has u-turned on the Fiscal Charter; George Osborne’s attempt to bind governments into running a budget surplus.

Labour MPs are disbelieving, not because they necessarily dislike this stance, but rather because they cannot believe they’ve got to this point in the first place. It looks inept and this flip-flopping has sparked accusations of incompetence. Ben Bradshaw MP described it as a “total fucking shambles”.

The weird thing is that many backbench MPs are considering defying the party whip, despite the fact that they describe the charter as “non-credible” and “not a good idea”. It seems that some will abstain just to register discontent with the leadership.

It appears that the Labour Whips’ job is now to take a near-daily no confidence motion on Jeremy Corbyn.

Wednesday 14^th October

Rifts in the Labour Party are as obvious as the Grand Canyon, but those in the Conservative Party are a little more like the San Andreas Fault: very dangerous but seemingly ignored.

Today, there’s news that the Cabinet is split over the scrapping of a controversial £5.9 million contract to train Saudi prison officers. Michael Gove was against it. Philip Hammond was for it. As was Theresa May, whose interest in the Saudi penal system is concerning, given her recent hardline views on other issues.

With a high-profile human rights case in process, it appears that the PM has decided that this deal doesn’t look good. However, two similar contracts with a system which regularly lops people’s hands off are A-OK apparently, and so the government is maintaining those.

Supporters of the deal say engagement with such regimes is a way of achieving change, whilst disengagement achieves nothing. Perhaps, but it does seem curious that the theory of engagement meets with such absolute resistance from Corbynites. After all, what will his Middle Eastern “friends” think of that position?

Thursday 15^th October

Unsurprisingly, George Osborne passed his Fiscal Charter last night. The Commons debate was largely for show, but John McDonnell still managed to use it to make his face even redder than it was earlier in the week.

He did so by acknowledging that his U-turn had been “embarrassing”. Unfortunately, a Tory wag made a funny just before McDonnell said the word “embarrassing”, causing Conservatives to explode into hysterics. So, whilst waiting for the noise to die down, the Shadow Chancellor ended up mindlessly repeating the word “embarrassing” four times, on top of his initial use of the word “embarrassing”.

Which was embarrassing.

Friday 16^th October

The Fiscal Charter Fallout continues. The 21 Labour abstainers have been inundated with abusive e-mails from Corbyn supporters, demanding resignations and calling them “Tory lite” and a “waste of a space”. All for abstaining on a vote that the Labour leadership didn’t have a coherent position on. So much for the kinder politics.

Meanwhile, The Daily Telegraph has an anonymous quote from a Shadow Minister who said “Jeremy Corbyn has got no control over his party... It is only a matter of time before there's a resignation.” So much for party loyalty.

Infighting, division and accusations of incompetence and betrayal are serious – symptomatic of ineffective opposition, which was brought into sharp focus by the appearance of Michelle Dorrell on Question Time. She broke down whilst describing her forthcoming hardship in the face of the tax credit cuts, and the betrayal she feels given that she voted Tory in May, when they promised that child tax credit would not be cut.

Mr McDonnell said this week that he had not changed policy, but parliamentary tactics. Funny, because the policy changed, but the parliamentary tactics remained ineffective. Had he always avoided Osborne’s crude political trap, by abstaining from a vote on the stunt and asking how it helps people who are about to be vastly worse off, then this diary would have been very different this week, and the narrative would have been so too. 

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Tony Cameron Begins "New Tory" Project

Monday 5^th October

The Conservative Conference is under way in Manchester, and today it is the opportunity of real, living ventriloquist doll George Osborne to make his case to the nation. Painting a picture of the steady construction of a new Britain, he frequently repeated “We are the builders”. And who can deny that the Tories are? I mean, look at all the spare houses they’ve built.

Controversies remain over the changes to tax credits though. Jeremy Hunt lurches to George’s defence by saying that the new policies will encourage Britons to work hard “like the Chinese”. It is claimed that he has been wilfully misquoted, but he definitely drew the comparison. Pity the little children of the Hunt household, for theirs is a childhood of early starts, late finishes and homemade Nike trainers.

Tuesday 6^th October

This morning, the Prime Minister is spending time insisting that his “great team” are focussed on the job of governing, and not on who’s going to succeed him at the end of the Parliament. Though, with key members of his “great team” working together to suggest that they would be a great successor, currently DC is to team management what Stuart Lancaster is to team management.

Today, Theresa May is trying to get some momentum behind her in the party by performing her new Concerto for Dog-Whistles. In her Conference speech, the Home Secretary delivers a staggering rejection of the worth of immigration which flies in the face of her department’s own figures, dodging the complexities of the issue which it is her job to master. Oh, and she crowbars in a disparaging remark about Europe as well. Just to get some hard right juices really flowing.

Wednesday 7^th October

And so we come to David Cameron’s conference speech. It begins as one might expect with triumphalism and attacks on Labour, particularly their “security-threatening, terrorist sympathising. Britain-hating,” oft-misquoted, cycling, gardening, seems quite nice on the whole, leader.

Labour say this attack is a sign that Cameron is “rattled”. Which seems odd because he then calmly proceeded to move the Conservative Party to Blairite ground. Not just a little bit. Almost utterly.

This is "New Tory". The speech contained numerous liberal passages, delivered with apparent conviction, on issues such as discrimination, equality and prisons. Cameron even made proud mention of ministers who are the children of immigrants. To which Theresa May applauded, apparently with no sense of irony

This was the most lefty speech the Tory Conference had heard for… well, possibly ever. They applauded it several times, though there was no mention of the tax credit cuts (how’s that working for your “party that helps the poor”), and there was no mention of the environment, but I understand that that’s because those huskies got a restraining order.

Centre-left commentators on Twitter were in a full-blown identity crisis, whilst Corbynistas expressed outrage and heavy scepticism, arguing that his sweet words were betrayed by his harsh reality.

Cameron won’t mind though. His speech was very well-received. Even by Tony Blair, who sent him a short text simply saying: “You have done well, my apprentice.”

Thursday 8th October

One thing we can be sure of in this strange new age is that Jeremy Corbyn hates Britain. The Prime Minister told me so.

But, perhaps I was misinformed. So, I turn to the right-wing press, and I am told that he thinks he’s better than the Queen. The traitor.

He’s skipping today’s Privy Council meeting, where he would have to meet HMQ in what is largely a formality, because he has “prior commitments”. The Britain-despising bastard.

He’s not like David Cameron. When he became leader, he took three months to go to a PC meeting. Whereas Corbyn still hasn’t knelt before the hereditary Head of State, and he has been in the job for… less than a month.

Oh.

It occurs to me that…

perhaps…

this story is bollocks.

Friday 9th October

The Leave the EU camp, which Nigel Farage declared to be unified two weeks ago, has achieved ever closer unity with the creation of yet another rivalling campaign seeking the designation of official campaign to leave.

This is “Vote Leave”, a cross-party campaign with the support of, amongst others, UKIP’s only MP Douglas Carswell, because his party is so unified. They have millionaire donors, and a flashy ad where an economic case is made, but the key image is the spectre of St Thomas’ Hospital evaporating into the sky if we stay in. Which seems like an extravagant policy even for Brussels.

Surely we’re able to agree that forced vaporisation of healthcare facilities must be stopped?

Well, we are, but I’m not sure that the disparate Leave camps can. They appear to hate the European Union so much that they have taken against all forms of unity in general.

A new podcast is to be released on Tuesday.

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