NByNW Diary: Should Corbyn Stay or Should He Go If He Decides Not To Rock the Casbahs?

Friday 27^th November

I’m going to get some letter paper headed up with “It’s been another bad day for Labour”. It seems increasingly useful. After all, no-one can claim that Labour have had a good day, but there’s cacophonous squabbling over whose fault that is.

Here’s what’s happened.

Yesterday, after the Prime Minister’s statement on Syria, the Shadow Cabinet went to go and discuss the matter. There was a split in the opinion. Which was fine. It was decided that a decision would be taken on Monday through the Shadow Cabinet and the Parliamentary Labour Party. So far so good.

Then, Hilary Benn went out and said that there was a “compelling” case for strikes. Two hours later, Jeremy Corbyn wrote a letter to Labour MPs saying that he could not support the strikes because he does not think that they can assist our security.

Cue outrage against Corbyn from Labour MPs, describing this as an attempt to whip up fervour amongst the grassroots pressure group Momentum, in order to scare Labour MPs into voting against their consciences but with the leadership.

Very odd this. It appears that it was wrong of Corbyn to express his opposition, but it was fine for Benn to express his support. Whilst private discussions are ongoing, both men were ill-advised.

Labour Party Members are furious. After all, 6 out of 10 of them voted for this man and they are tired of the Parliamentary Party constantly sniping at him. Furthermore, Labour Party Members are 2 to 1 against the strikes, according to YouGov. Surely, Labour MPs should take this into account?

Ah, but they also need to take into account their constituents, and the same YouGov Poll says that the general public are 2 to 1 in favour of the strikes.

It is a fraught situation, but, nevertheless, the Labour Party looks shambolic, childish and petulant.

Just to throw yet another spanner in the works, Corbynista and the world’s newest campaigner for mental health awareness, Ken Livingstone, was on Question Time, where he said that Tony Blair’s decision to invade Iraq killed 52 Londoners in the 7/7 bombings, and he repeated the bombers’ justification that they only murdered because of Iraq.

Whether or not he has got a point doesn’t matter much because, so far as it goes now, we are at the highest level of risk anyway and have prevented 7 terrorist attacks this year. Iraq did make us a greater target for terrorist attacks, but the bullseye that conflict brought on us has never gone away.

Still, why shouldn’t Ken bring up the past? After all, it’s where he lives.

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Chilcot is the Two Million Word Man

Thursday 29^th October

Poor John Chilcot. He is loathed by everyone.

He’s loathed by the public because he has taken too long to publish his report into the Iraq War.

He’s loathed by David Cameron because he has taken too long to publish his report into the Iraq War.

And he’s loathed by Tony Blair because he hasn’t taken long enough to publish his report into the Iraq War.

Today, he has finally revealed the timetable for the release of that report, and it’s going to be another eight or nine months before we see it.

This had led to more exasperation from all those who have waited patiently for answers, and Sir John seems to be the main target for their ire.

“This is so unfair,” he screams. “I’ve written two million words in this report. Two million! That’s seven-and-a-half times the length of Ulysses, the most infamously impenetrable novel of all time.”

“Yeah,” says Lady Chilcot, “but is your prose as soaring?”

“Right, that’s it!” he declares. “I’m rewriting the whole thing in iambic pentameter!”

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The Weekly Diary: A Week in the Life of Labour

Monday 20^th July

The Labour Party faces a crunch moment: does it oppose the Welfare Bill or abstain?

Acting Leader, Harriet Harman, has called for an abstention because Labour, in the face of an unexpected Tory majority, is more concerned with taking stabs in the dark to see whether this was why people didn’t vote their way, than it is with representing the people who actually did vote for them.

There are rebels, most eloquent of which is John McDonnell who says to a surprised House “Let me be clear: I would swim through vomit to vote against this Bill, and listening to some of the nauseating speeches supporting it, I might have to.”

He and 47 other Labour MPs did just that, though they sailed over the regurgitated sea on a raft made from discarded Labour manifestos.

Tuesday 21^st July

The Government went on to win the vote on the Welfare Bill by a majority of 184. Which sounds comprehensive, until you consider that the number of Labour MPs who abstained was 184. A close shave there for John Bercow, who was spared from having the casting vote and being forced to do something that would benefit David Cameron.

Of the 184 abstainers, 3 of them are running for the Labour Leadership. No prizes for guessing which of the four contenders was the odd-one-out.

Jeremy Corbyn received some very favourable accolades from left-wingers for his defiant and principled stand.

“Not to worry,” says Margaret Beckett who nominated him for the ballot without wanting him to succeed. “He’ll never win. Never.”

Wednesday 22^nd July

Guess what? A shock poll has Jeremy Corbyn on course to win the Labour Leadership.

“Polls?” bellows Harriet Harman. “We’re not going to pay an attention to polls! Lousy, hope-raising, dream-dashing polls!”

“I don’t know,” says Tristram Hunt. “We can’t take the risk of letting this happen. We can’t have a leader that hardly any of the Parliamentary Party supports. We’ve tried that and we ended up in the proverbial, and he ended up in Ibiza. We need to bring out the big guns.”

“Very well,” sighs Harman. “I shall summon him.”

She takes a wadge of £50 notes out of a draw and throws it into the air, and within seconds Tony Blair is there like a demented parrot repeating “Can’t win from the left! Can’t win from the left!”

And so, with bank details exchanged, Tony goes, rather appropriately, to Chartered Accountants’ Hall, for whom he generates a lot of work, and tells the think tank Progress that Labourites who say that their heart wants to be with the sort of leftism Corbyn represents, should get a “transplant”.

Ah yes. Tony doing what Tony does best: pouring oil on the waters. Oil being the operative word.

Thursday 23^rd July

It’s all happening now. Firstly, people are urging Liz Kendall to drop out because they want as wide a debate as possible. Sorry – I misheard that. Apparently, it’s because they want her to release her support to stop Corbyn. Which will happen anyway because it’s an Alternative Vote election, and there isn’t a person in the country who would vote for Kendall first and Corbyn second. Apart from maybe Liz herself for, as we all know because we saw it in The Guardian, she’s a Tory Trojan Horse.

Then another grandee comes in attempting to clear the air, which was a good idea. Shame the only one to hand was Lord Prescott.

He was on The Today Programme (and I quote exactly here¹): “I thought what Tony said was absolutely staggering though I have a lot of respect for Tony Blair I worked for him for years but to use that kind of language is just abuse, and to suggest that someone should have a heart transplant, and Tony said it put a lot of people off voting for us and on the doorstep it was Iraq what stopped people from voting for us, and I just want everyone to calm down!” he rattled off at a furiously calm pace.

Friday 24^th July

Surely all has been said now, as Ken Livingstone wades in by claiming that Corbyn can become Prime Minister.

“If I didn't think Jeremy could win, I wouldn't be backing him,” said the former Mayor of London.

Thus speaks a leftist who lost in the most Labour sympathetic city in the country to Boris Johnson, twice. So he knows what he’s talking about.

Corbyn continues on his merry way, but must surely be fearful he might win this thing. After all, he never intended to.

¹Quotations may not in fact be accurate, but the tone is.

This will be the last Weekly Diary for the summer. We will be back in the autumn on the new website, entitled North by North Westminster.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.