The North by North Westminster Diary: Chilcot is the Two Million Word Man

Thursday 29^th October

Poor John Chilcot. He is loathed by everyone.

He’s loathed by the public because he has taken too long to publish his report into the Iraq War.

He’s loathed by David Cameron because he has taken too long to publish his report into the Iraq War.

And he’s loathed by Tony Blair because he hasn’t taken long enough to publish his report into the Iraq War.

Today, he has finally revealed the timetable for the release of that report, and it’s going to be another eight or nine months before we see it.

This had led to more exasperation from all those who have waited patiently for answers, and Sir John seems to be the main target for their ire.

“This is so unfair,” he screams. “I’ve written two million words in this report. Two million! That’s seven-and-a-half times the length of Ulysses, the most infamously impenetrable novel of all time.”

“Yeah,” says Lady Chilcot, “but is your prose as soaring?”

“Right, that’s it!” he declares. “I’m rewriting the whole thing in iambic pentameter!”

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