The North by North Westminster Diary: Storm Abigail "A Desperate Attempt to Make British Weather Sound Badass"

Thursday 12^th November

It must have happened at some kind of meteorological conference.

A bunch of weather forecasters from the Met Office were sat on a table next to some flash Americans who were talking about their experiences covering Hurricane This and Hurricane That, and then mocking their British and Irish counterparts for having to talk about light drizzle the whole time.

So, they hit the whiskey and come up with an idea.

“Let’s give our storms names! You know, like they do. That’ll make our weather sound much more badass.”

And that is why, this morning, we’re hearing a lot about Storm Abigail. Which is just a regular storm, with some amber weather warnings. Except now, it all sounds very serious, and Carol Kirkwood is telling me how we’re all going to be “affected” by Storm Abigail, and the inevitable happened on The Today Programme when a climate change campaigner called it “Hurricane Abigail”.

The thing is, it won’t change anything for the meteorologists at the convention, because they’ll be talking about Storm Barry or Storm Cheryl, and then the Yankees will say “Well, this year’s hurricane caused $10bn worth of damage. How much did Storm Derek cause?”

“Errr… well the post office was shut and there were no fresh catches at the fishmongers in time for the weekend.”

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The North by North Westminster Diary: A Mr D. Cameron of Witney, Oxfordshire, "upset about cuts"

Wednesday 11^th November

Much to cover today.

Firstly, prospective Prime Minister Boris Johnson has gone to the Middle East and has had to cut his visit short because of security concerns he caused. So his list of credentials for the top job just get longer and longer.

He insulted people who support a boycott of Israeli goods, calling them a "bunch of corduroy-jacketed lefties". I wonder who he meant. Perhaps he wasn’t being targeted by Hezbollah but by angry Corbynistas.

Speaking of Corbyn, the Leader of the Opposition is joining the Privy Council today a full month earlier than David Cameron managed, which is just typical of the tardy, unpatriotic shirker that Jez is.

Furthermore, last night he told his Shadow Cabinet that he expected more discipline, which some of them found a bitter pill to swallow as Mr Corbyn is the record-holder for acts of ill-discipline against the Labour whip. It’s a bit like being told to clean-up your sport by the All-Russia Athletics Association.

And speaking of wilful blindness, David Cameron has got into a row with the leader of his local council because they appear to be having to make swingeing cuts to their budget and services.

In other news, the Dark Lord Sauron has complained to the Mordor council about the number of orcs that appear to be in his postcode, and cannot understand how it has anything to do with his policies.

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Cameron's Renegotiation Dragged from Obscurity to Vagueness

Tuesday 10^th November

The EU renegotiation has hitherto been something akin to David Cameron’s imaginary friend. But no longer, for today it came crashing into a nascent reality with the Prime Minister’s letter on the subject to the President of the European Council, Donald Tusk.

It opens with: “Thank you for inviting me to write setting out the areas where I am seeking reforms to address the concerns of the British people over our membership of the European Union.”

This broadly translates as: “You bastard. I was trying to keep this as vague as possible.”

He goes to highlight some key, vital and, most importantly of all, broadly achievable areas of reform, and it is that last point that has so upset the Tory Eurosceptics.

They are led by Sir William Cash – a man who appears to think that satisfaction is for lesser beings and that having something to complain about is a basic human right.

He doesn’t think that Cameron has gone anywhere near far enough, and he basically wanted half-a-century and more’s worth of European treaties to be torn up because one little island has one big party which can’t pull itself together.

Had he written the letter it would have gone broadly like this:

“What ho, foreigner!

May I just remind you of the following:

Agincourt, Trafalgar, Waterloo, Two World Wars, One World Cup.

So just piss off and leave us with our cod and stop giving it to bloody Spaniards.

Yours disgruntledly,

Bill”

It’s not that the Eurosecptics don’t have a point. It’s just that when they do, nobody cares.

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There are also YouTube videos, such as this one on Corbyn at the Cenotaph:

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Thatcher Memorabilia is All the Rage

Thursday 5^th November

In these times of strife and discord, it is important that we focus on the real issues that affect modern Britons. Unless you're the editor of The Daily Telegraph and you've run out of pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge.

Perhaps that is why, this week, they have focussed on the V&A not taking a dead woman's clothes. The question is: did they refuse to take them on the grounds that they're not Oxfam, or did they refuse on the grounds that the dead woman in question was Mrs Thatcher?

Now, I know what you Guardian readers out there are thinking: why would anyone want to accept the clothes of Satan's priestess? Well, you have to understand that Telegraph readers view her as a modern day angel who gives Mother Teresa a run for her money. Readers of The Times couldn't care less, and readers of The Independent just really want to talk about climate change for two hours before breakfast.

Anyway, the new chairman of the V&A, Nicholas Coleridge, has described his "stupefied surprise" at the story, and added "there has been no turning down of her clothes at all", which seems like very lacklustre laundering.

The clothes go up for auction shortly, and maybe some of them will be bought by the proposed Thatcher Museum. Well informed sources claim that, at this museum, you will be able to deliver the "No! No! No!" speech from a replica despatch box, ride around in a tank whilst wearing a scarf, and relive the Brighton Bomb. And - I promise you - I've only made one of those up.

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Carry On Junior Doctor?

Wednesday 4^th November

It’s all a little overwhelming.

Today, Jeremy Hunt has released a revised version of the new contract for junior doctors, and it’s a classic piece of “the Tories giveth, and the Tories taketh away”. For instance, it contains an 11% pay rise, but it also has pay cuts for unsociable hours.

The issue has been rolling on since the election, and with particular focus on the new definition of sociable hours as being from 7am to 10pm – the kind of working day which leaves time for you to dash home, have a quick drink and then take your anger and frustration out on those around you as you put another brick in the wall of your inevitable marital breakup.

It also raises concerns about patient safety, with the possibility that they would be treated by “zombie doctors”. However, the definition of normal hours on a Saturday has been changed to from 7am to 7pm, and the Care Quality Commission has been asked to ensure that junior doctors will not be overworked.

Regardless, the BMA isn’t having any of it and are refusing to go the negotiating table. This morning, Dr Johann Malawana from the BMA didn’t so much explain the logic behind this (they don’t think it’ll be an actual negotiation and want a guarantee that the contract will not just be imposed). He seemed to simply repeat “it’s megaphone diplomacy” several times. Which was banal. Some Junior Docs on twitter were much more direct.

It’s just a bit murky. There seems to be politicking and manipulations going on everywhere, and I for one don’t know what to think. I mean, instinctively I want to trust the junior doctors because… well, they’re doctors. I like trusting doctors. As soon as I stop trusting doctors, I go on the internet and convince myself that I’ve got diphtheria*. And, instinctively, I don’t trust Jeremy Hunt because… well, he’s Jeremy Hunt.

But this new offer seems to deal with some concerns, but the BMA seem cross that this has even happened and it came across like an angry teenager shouting “Not talking to you!”

Besides, the whole thing is probably a distraction from the fact that Theresa May is now giving police and intelligence officers the power to look at your last year’s worth of browsing data. Which seems a little scary.

I shall now go and watch old episodes of The Bill, so that if I am arrested they’ll be able to see how it’s done.

*I don’t have diphtheria.**

**I think.

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Cameron's Syria Plan Bombs

Tuesday 3^rd November

Bit of a mishmash today.

Firstly, David Cameron has received a bit of a setback to his plan to bomb Syria. The Foreign Affairs Select Committee has released a report on the issue which has come up with the controversial position that if you are going to drop explosives onto a foreign country then you really should know what your objective actually is. Bomber Harris would be turning in his grave.

Furthermore, the Committee raises questions about the legality of any military involvement. So the plans are possibly illegal and probably going to make things worse than: a combination which is known in Committee circles as “the Iraq diagnosis.”

Secondly, wounded-weasel and stunt double for an Imperial officer in Star Wars, George Osborne, has been in Germany doing some light-diplomacy and going out for an Italian. He’s so continental. We still have no idea which way he’s going to campaign in the EU referendum. If only there was some kind of clue.

Finally, there is the news that Jeremy Corbyn will not be addressing the CBI, thereby missing a chance to make his case to business leaders. Presumably that’s due to one of those prior commitments he so often has. A Republican rally perhaps? Or maybe the Stop the War coalition is having a smoothie night to celebrate the Foreign Affairs Select Committee’s report?

In fairness, Cameron doesn’t address the TUC Conference, but that’s probably for the best. Let me put it this way: you can’t imagine Corbyn getting literally lynched at the CBI, whereas the PM would probably be turned into porcine feed so that a pig might actually enjoy having bits of Cameron put into its mouth.

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The North by North Westminster Diary - Labour's Queen Beyond the Wall Begins to Regret Experiment with Democracy

Monday 2^nd November

There’s trouble for the new Labour leader.

No, not that one. The other one.

I’m referring to Kezia Dugdale, Labour’s Queen Beyond the Wall, who today is dealing with the irony that, having successfully campaigned for Scottish Labour to have greater independence from the national party, Scottish Labour is now, in return, trying to get greater independence from her.

It all boiled down to a vote at conference on the thermonuclear thorn in Labour’s side, Trident. Ms Dugdale had urged caution, arguing for disarmament on a multilateral rather than unilateral basis. However, Scottish Labour voted overwhelmingly for the abolition of Trident, which now means that the Labour Party’s leader in Scotland has a different position from her party, which has the same position as the national leader, who has a different position from a large amount of his parliamentary party, all of whom are waiting on the national party who, as it stands, has no position at all.

Confused? Well, welcome to the contemporary Labour movement. And we haven’t even mentioned the divides in the unions, though their internal debate is easier to explain. It goes like this:

Union Member #1: Having a nuclear deterrent is a commitment to having the capability to obliterate entire cities and wiping out millions of people. That’s morally reprehensible.

Union Member #2: Yes. I agree. But… jobs?

Union Member #1: We’re talking about nuclear holocaust.

Union Member #2: Yes, which probably won’t happen. So, my question is: jobs?

Union Member #1: Dead people!

Union Member #2: Yes, yes, yes. But… jobs?

It’s the classic dilemma of the left. There is a policy which seems to be utterly morally reprehensible when we all want to join arms and sing the Red Flag, but if we were to change it we would cause sizeable unemployment for hard-working people on the lower end of the pay scale. It’s very much a lose-lose, and that’s before we talk in detail about whether the deterrent works or not.

Perhaps this is why Labour is outsourcing decision making to the ordinary members. It just seems like a lot of hard work.

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