Election Diary Extra: A Major Revival

A day in the life of a returning Prime Minister

“Go into the cupboard and wheel him out,” said Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.

An intern went and found what had been asked for, and came back.

“I can’t seem to get all the dust off him,” said the intern.

“Don’t worry. He’s John Major. That’s just how he looks. Come on, let’s go.”

“Shall we bring the soapbox?”

“No!” said Lynton. “Anything but that." And with that they began the journey to Solihull.

It is Back to Basics for the Tories. They want to relive the good times and, for the Tories, John Major is strangely synonymous with the good times these days. Well, you never know what you had until you’ve undermined it at every turn, humiliated it with scandal, condemned it to electoral oblivion and lost it. So, it’s peas for everyone at the Tory event, as Sir John arrives in a blaze of grey, eyes of fire lurking behind spark-guard glasses.

Major took to the stage to give his speech. However, no sooner had he started, then someone on the back row was shouting "Get off!" Sir John, always plucky, continued and illustrated the tremendous journey that has brought the Union to the brink. Major warns of the danger of a Labour government propped up by the SNP, saying that they will seek to create division in order to lay the ground for separation, and will blackmail the government daily.

Having concluded this section of the speech, he was aware that it wasn't going down entirely well, so he stopped speaking, sat down and said that he would only go on if the audience voted for him to do so. John Redwood offered to take over and give the speech, but a vast majority of the audience took great glee in telling him to fuck off, and so Major resumed.

He said that Labour must not consider some form of affair with the SNP: "Sometimes, you think it might be a bit of fun to run off with someone and not care too much about any pre-existing Union. I've tried it, and let me tell you, you only end up with a red face and your back to the taps."

A journalist asks: “Mr Major, how can you be so sure that a Labour-SNP deal will be a disaster? You effectively ran a minority government in the last year of your premiership, supported by Northern Irish parties.”

“I know – it was hell in there lad,” replies Major, with a harrowed look on his face. “I’m arguing for Ed Miliband’s sake really. No-one should have to go through that. No-one.”

The media event over, Major goes and shakes hands with the faithful, and slowly makes his way to the party treasurer, who is holding an anonymous brown envelope.

David Cameron rings up the last Tory Prime Minister to win a General Election to thank him for his speech.

“I can’t thank you enough, John. What more can I do to win a majority though?”

“I’m not sure.”

“How did you do it in ’92, John?”

“Oh, that was easy. I ran against Neil Kinnock.”

“Ah, yes. I thought I was running against Kinnock, but it turns out that Ed Miliband is a cross between Ricky Hatton and Casanova. I never thought they could elect a dull, geeky, bookish sort like him.”

“Yes,” replied Major. “I remember how surprised I was by that in 1990.”

This was taken and expanded from the original Election Diaries, available here

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary - Day 23: Madame Tussauds Waxwork Warns of End of Union

Tuesday 21st April

Extraordinary scenes in the election campaign today, as the Tories employed an old waxwork to make their case. But could the waxwork break the Union?

8.00am

“Go into the cupboard and wheel him out,” said Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.

An intern went and found what had been asked for, and came back.

“I can’t seem to get all the dust off him,” said the intern.

“Don’t worry. He’s John Major. That’s just how he looks. Come on, let’s go.”

“Shall we bring the soapbox?”

“No!” said Lynton. “Anything but that.”

11.00am

It is Back to Basics for the Tories. After Tony Blair's reprise two weeks ago, today is the return of Britain’s most popular politician ever. No, really. It is a solid fact that John Major’s victory in 1992 saw the largest number of votes cast (14 million) in any British election, ever.

The Tories want to relive the good times and, for the Tories, John Major is strangely synonymous with the good times these days. Well, you never know what you had until you’ve undermined it at every turn, humiliated it with scandal, condemned it to electoral oblivion and lost it.

So, it’s peas for everyone at Tory HQ, as Sir John arrives in a blaze of grey, eyes of fire behind spark-guard glasses. Major warns of the danger of a Labour government propped up by the SNP, saying that they will seek to create division in order to lay the ground for separation, and will blackmail the government daily.

A journalist asks “Mr Major, how can you be so sure that a Labour-SNP deal will be a disaster? You effectively ran a minority government in the last year of your premiership, supported by Northern Irish parties.”

“I know – it was hell in there lad,” replies Major, with a harrowed look on his face. “I’m arguing for Ed Miliband’s sake really. No-one should have to go through that. No-one.”

The media event over, Major goes and shakes hands with the faithful, and slowly makes his way to the party treasurer, who is holding an anonymous brown envelope.

12.05pm

David Cameron rings up the last Tory Prime Minister to win a General Election to thank him for his speech.

“I can’t thank you enough, John. What more can I do to win a majority though?”

“I’m not sure.”

“How did you do it in ’92, John?”

“Oh, that was easy. I ran against Neil Kinnock.”

“Ah, yes. I thought I was running against Kinnock, but it turns out that Ed Miliband is a cross between Ricky Hatton and Casanova. I never thought they could elect a dull, geeky, bookish sort like him.”

“Yes,” replied Major. “I remember how surprised I was by that in 1990.”

1.45pm

Cameron, as we know, is one for long-term plans, and here is evidence of his plan should he lose his job in a few weeks’ time. He’s going to audition for Bob the Builder.

2.03pm

George Obsorne had to field a telephone call whilst on a visit to a brewery.

“I’m terribly worried about this strategy, George,” said Lord Forsyth, former Conservative Scottish Secretary.

“Oh, really?” replied Osborne. “Why so?”

“It’s very divisive, talking about the “SNP threat”. I fear that it could ultimately lead to the break-up of the Union.”

“Oh no,” said George with as much sincerity as he could muster. “We couldn’t possibly want that. I have to go now Michael. I’m kicking something whilst it’s down.”

2.45pm

Nick Clegg and Vince Cable visited a drama therapy class today, which is designed to help vulnerable adults with their self-esteem and confidence. It is unclear as to whether this is a campaign visit or if Nick and Vince felt in need of this particular brand of support.

3.04pm

Boris has been in Kent today. He was initially greeted with hostility, but in typical Boris style he appears to have turned it all around, as the marks of red on his left cheek attest.

Boris did, however, seem to suggest that people might vote for parties other than the Conservatives, a though that hadn’t hitherto crossed his mind apparently. He says: “There is a real risk other parties could mistakenly persuade people there was any other option."

How dare they! What a ludicrous suggestion!

4.45pm

UKIP's Suzanne Evans says of voters "Once you go UKIP, you stay there. It feels like home." Which really does make it sound like a cult. It's not that you can't leave, it's just that no-one ever does.

5.00pm

As Sir John is returned to CCHQ, swiftly mothballed and returned to the cupboard, news filters through that Sir Bruce Forsyth has said that he’s enjoying the election, and that Cameron and Miliband are just like old style Vaudeville stars. Which is fair enough as a comparison. Vaudeville stars were one step above clowns, desperate to be liked and always chatting bollocks.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary - Day 22: David Longshanks takes on Nicola the Bruce

Monday 20th April

Nicola the Bruce is ready. Today she marched for Bannockburn. Well, Edinburgh actually. After all a vote for the Scottish Nationalists is not a vote for Scottish Independence. Not for the next 12 months at any rate. Meanwhile, south of the border, David “Longshanks” Cameron fears for his fiefdom.

8.34am

The Prime Minister’s ears are burning as he catches something on the radio.

“It is extraordinary,” says yet another commentator. “To see such a sudden groundswell of support behind a governing party which has had many setbacks – some major setbacks – but which is polling so strongly that all of its opponents seem bereft of energy and ideas.”

The Tory leader is chuffed to bits. The polls must have finally swung his way.

“There you are Samantha,” he chortles. “I knew it would work. It must have been how positive I was last week, and because our long-term economic plan is working. I knew the people would come to their senses!”

“Darling,” replied Samantha tentatively. “They’re talking about the SNP.”

10.13am

A little later, David Longshanks – the Hammer of the Union – is in the middle of a pre-emptive strike against the SNP (much easier to criticise what they’re saying before they’ve actually said it). His mission, though, is to exploit fears about the SNP without being too negative. But what are those fears exactly? David elaborates:

“They will spend more, borrow more, demand the abolition of Trident, demand that HS2 begins in Scotland, insist that everyone’s surname begins with “Mc”, replace “Good afternoon” with “You’ll have had your tea”, and redub David Tennant’s Doctor Who so he speaks with his original accent.”

Mission accomplished.

10.59am

Nigel Farage has the Scottish question under control.

“A key plank of a UKIP devolution policy, and our immigration policy, would be to reconstruct Hadrian’s Wall. We like building walls in UKIP. Or barriers of any kind. The Romans had one of the best immigration policies in history, apart from the bit which involved invading us. I think it is time to rebuild the wall and stop the Wildlings.”

“The Wildlings?” inquires a journalist. “You mean the Scots.”

“I call them like I see them.”

11.21am

People throng to the SNP manifesto launch, leaving cars in the streets, and giving her a warmer greeting than even Ed Miliband’s “friends” could muster.

It is another effective and appealing performance from Nicola the Bruce, showing the sort of political ability and acumen that is sorely lacking in England. Much to Cameron’s chagrin, she isn’t wearing any tartan, hasn’t turned up with a comedy red beard on, and isn’t screaming “FREEDOM!” with a slight Australian accent.

2.25pm

“It’s outrageous!” screams a Tory voter in a Surrey pub. “They want to break us up, but they also want to run the country.”

“I don’t know,” says his son. “They are entitled to run and stand up for their views. I don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.”

“It’s the principle of the thing, you socialist sproglet. I don’t want to be run by a short Scottish woman and that’s that!”

“Well, we’re ruled by a short German one. We haven’t had an English monarch in centuries, the two previous Prime Ministers were Scots, and this one’s got a Scottish name. What does it matter?”

5.49pm

The Tories are even suggesting a monitoring system to ensure that Scottish devolution doesn’t work “to the detriment of the rest of the UK”. They really are pitching to exploit (and, to some extent, whip-up) anti-SNP sentiment and fear. To some southerners, the SNP are a bit like the girlfriend who keeps threatening to leave you and take all your record collection, where “threatening to leave you” means “break up the country”, and “your record collection” means “nuclear weapons and North Sea oil”.

Polls suggest that over 50% of British voters do not want the SNP to form any part in the next government, so there may be some traction in this. However, with Labour promising not to enter into formal coalition with the SNP, will this ploy work with voters? Particularly when any substantive part of their message is somewhat drowned out by the general “THEY’RE COMING OVER THE WALL!” tone of it.

Explaining his strategy, Tory Campaign Director Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young said: “We here in the Conservative Party have suffered a lot from UKIP. They cornered the market in xenophobic votes. Then we realised that they were only exploiting xenophobia toward those who live outside the country. They were doing nothing about xenophobia toward those who live inside the country.”

“Won’t that cause further cracks in the Union?” asked a journalist.

“Well, after the damage we caused in the referendum debate last year, what have we got to lose?”

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Weekend Election Diary - Days 20 & 21: Mahatma Farage and Red (Hot) Ed

Saturday 18th April

3.53pm

Nigel Farage is not a man for understatement, and this weekend he has been at it again. He’s compared himself to Gandhi.

Speaking on Saturday, he said: "I am taking on the status quo. I am taking on their very, very comfortable lives. But if you look through history anybody that challenges the status quo, whether in business, science or politics, they have a go at you. And it was Gandhi, of course, who said 'first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you and then you win'."

A rather extraordinary comparison, particularly considering that Gandhi was a one-time expatriate, ascetic, and tee-total. Whereas, Nigel Farage dislikes all expatriates, is given to self-indulgence, and thinks tee-totalism is something to do with golf.

But you have to applaud the gutsiness of the man. Keep going Nige, because first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they laugh at you some more, and then you compare yourself to Gandhi and they roll around on the floor pissing themselves.

As if to reinforce the questionable strength of the comparison, a UKIP councillor was arrested this weekend in connection with an alleged assault at a meeting of the anti-extremist group Hope Not Hate. Hard to think of anything less in keeping with the life of Gandhi than an act of violence against a peaceful group.

4.52pm

Meanwhile, the battle for the seat of Lewes has been all but decided after a penalty shoot-out at a match on Saturday. The Greens won after their candidate was the only one to score at all. However, it is encouraging to know that the quality of our prospective MPs is on a par with the quality of our footballers.

Sunday 19th April

10.01am

Angry David Cameron woke up the nation this morning with another raging performance on The Andrew Marr Show. The first question was whether the Tories’ private polling said that they have close to no chance of forming a majority. Cameron insisted that private polling does show a chance of a majority, adding that the research also shows that Elvis is alive, pig-aviation is more probable than not, and reports of bear defecation in the woods have been greatly exaggerated.

Time is running out for the Prime Minister, with recent polls seeming to give Labour a small lead. He still has to persuade very many people, and Cameron refers to such moments as an “essay crisis”, which means that over the past five years he hasn't done any of the reading, has been partying too much, and is now running on an ungodly combination of Red Bull, pizza and Haribo.

Marr closed the show with a final joust with Dave, before announcing that next week’s will feature Ed Miliband and Boris Johnson. Well, with a line-up like that we all know what DC is going to be watching next Sunday morning: Rastamouse on CBeebies.

1.45pm

What Cameron is really lacking though is sex appeal. Whereas at one point he was listed as one of the 100 sexiest men in the world, the Prime Minister is now old news: the centre-spread from another decade.

No such trouble for his opponent, because whereas Cameron is not, Ed Miliband is most definitely hot. Tales of him becoming the most unlikely political sex symbol since Robin Cook are widespread, and a recent article in The Daily Mail (which had nil political content but is now being adapted by ITV2 into a six part series called The Only Way is Hampstead) illustrated his sexy past.

For reasons that surely pass all understanding, some people have doubted Ed’s raw animal magnetism. Well, doubt no more, and witness this mobbing of the Leader of the Opposition from a hen party in Cheshire.

Not even Harry Styles gets this sort of reception. One girl can be heard saying “I think I’m going to cry,” and she says this in a very positive way. They demand selfies and one says that he is “adorable”.

At future Labour rallies, we can expect pants to be thrown on stage and Ed signing people’s breasts. Riders are being sent out ahead of 30^th April’s Question Time Leaders’ Special to accommodate for his groupies, and giddy teenagers screaming “Play “The Cost of Living Crisis” again”.

Meanwhile, Nick Clegg is left going through his black book which contains his 30 sexual conquests, and David Cameron is left to stare into the mirror, gussy himself up and mournfully try to convince himself that he’s still got it.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary - Day 19: UKIP Officially Join The Dark Side of the Force

Friday 17th April

Ed Miliband walks away from the Challengers’ Debate satisfied. It was a strong performance he faced difficulty in that Nicola Sturgeon had directly asked him to accept the offer of her support in making him Prime Minister. As the car drove him home, he wondered whether he was just three weeks from being Prime Minister and what sort of government he would lead.

Meanwhile…

0.00am

A desert place.

Enter BENNETT, WOOD, and STURGEON.

BENNETT:            When shall we three meet again

                                In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

WOOD:                 When the hurlyburly's done,

                                When the battle's lost and hung.

STURGEON:        That will be ere the rise of sun.

BENNETT:            Where the place?

WOOD:                 Upon the heath.

STURGEON:        There to meet with Miliband.

8.00am

It was an interchange of views between left and right which was surreal, surprising, amusing, and left a lot of people looking very stupid.

I refer of course to Shadow Education Secretary Tristram Hunt’s conversation with a primary school child yesterday, which is making viral waves at the moment.

Mr Hunt: “Do you know who you’d vote for?”

Schoolboy: “Er… UKIP.”

Mr Hunt: “You’d vote UKIP, very good, why is that?”

Schoolboy: “Er…like get all the foreigners out the country.”

It’s Hunt’s polite “very good” that makes this art. However, this surely doesn’t reflect well on UKIP. I mean, look at the level that the argument reaches. It is literally a childish position.

11.30am

As for the debate last night, general opinion is that Ed Miliband did well, but not well enough in Scotland to arrest his problems. The other question is whether David Cameron made a wise decision in not attending. At the very least, it looks like he’s avoiding scrutiny, and at the very worst for him, it allowed Ed Miliband the chance to look Prime Ministerial.

One issue which seems to have some traction is the worry that Labour being supported by Nationalists will threaten the Union, and to that end they have a friend in the Newsnight caption department.

Nevertheless, the Prime Minister is concerned. Last night, Miliband challenged him to a one-to-one debate. Now, the Leader of the Opposition is calling press conferences with his promoter, where he says: “David Cameron, I'm calling you out. Let's fight May 5th and give the world what they want to see. My family reunion was pushed back because the date was locked in. Step up Punk."

1.03pm

Iain Duncan-Smith has said that he doesn’t understand why zero-hours contracts have been given such a negative name. He suggests flexible-hours contracts.

In Who’s Who, Mr Duncan-Smith describes himself as “attractively hairless”, and insists that his welfare policies aren’t draconian but rather are “like the dragons out of Game of Thrones – awesome and all-conquering”.

2.45pm

Here’s a picture of Boris Johnson wearing a hairnet, which poses the question: is any hairnet up to the job?

5.00pm

Bit of a POET’S Day feeling (Piss Off Early Tomorrow’s Saturday) to today’s campaigning. Nevertheless, the press and the pollsters are ensuring that the important questions are asked. To that end, they have polled: what are the parties’ views on Star Wars?

With a new trailer for The Force Awakens being released yesterday, Star Wars fever is gripping the globe, and we now have comprehensive data on how the parties relate to this, courtesy of The Daily Telegraph’s Asa Bennett.

Lib Dem supporters like the series the most. The Conservative supporters like Han Solo the best, which is odd because he is a smuggler and tax evader. Labour supporters also like Solo, because he is someone he starts it sticking it to the establishment, and then ends up becoming part of it.

However, the standout stat is that UKIP’s favourite character is Darth Vader, despite the fact that he is an immigrant to both the Dark Side and the Galactic Republic. Intolerant, pro-military, and driven by a dark heart of hate, UKIP won the European elections last year.

The Election Diary will return on Sunday with a Weekend Round-Up

 Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary: Day 18 - David Cameron's Little Book of Rage

Thursday 16th April

The Prime Minister showed his angry side on BBC One last night, but it really is just the tip of the iceberg as his favourite part of the electoral process gets another airing tonight.

8.00am

“Are you going to watch the debate tonight?” asked Samantha.

“Debate? What debate?” responded the worried PM. “I didn’t sign up to any more debates. I told them – one debate where I could be aloof and distant and wave photocopies about, whilst everyone shouts at each other. Debates make me angry. I’m a very angry man. Did you see me with Evan Davis last night? I was a vision of fury.”

“Calm down dear,” said Samantha. “It’s the Challengers’ Debate. Everyone apart from you and Nick. Remember?”

“Oh yes,” said David, recalling his dreams of Nicola Sturgeon tearing Ed Miliband apart. “They’re not empty-chairing me are they?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Empty chairs make me angry too. I’m adding them to the book,” he said as he took out a little notebook engraved with the title: The Little Book of Rage.

11.12am

“Why does no-one invite me to things anymore?” asked Nick Clegg, as he bemoaned the fact that he hadn’t been asked onto this evening’s debate.

“You still here?” said Vince Cable.

“Not going anywhere Vince. Nowhere to go. No-one wants me anymore.”

“Really?” inquired Vince. “How strange.”

“It’s not fair. I should be allowed to go. I’m not the Prime Minister. I maybe the Deputy Prime Minister and Lord President of the Council, but I’m still an outsider. Stupid title: Lord President of the Council. I’m not a Lord.”

“Not just yet,” said Vince.

1.30pm

“What are you doing here?” asked Yvette Cooper of Theresa May, at the studio for this evening’s debate.

“Haven’t you heard? We’re in the Spin Room tonight.”

“But your leader’s not debating.”

“It’s all a question of balance.”

“Balance? You chose not to be in this debate.”

“Yes,” said May, “and in doing so we very generously gave you uninterrupted airtime. In the interests of balance, we need to be given some airtime once you’re all done.”

“This room is for challengers!” screamed Cooper. “And you’re not a challenger.”

“Not just yet,” said Theresa slyly.

2.31pm

Labour are preparing their happy warrior to go into battle, with screen-test preparation for the Leader of the Opposition, conducted by Labour’s media director.

“Okay, Ed. Just look into the camera. That’s great Ed. Little less creepy. Little less. Little bit less. Okay, that’s a little creepier than last time. Bring it down. Little less. Little less…”

2.57pm

“Are you relaxed Mr Cameron?” asks Matthew Holehouse of The Daily Telegraph, rather boldly.

The permanently seething PM sardonically answers, “I don’t feel relaxed, but I’m doing an impression of it”, and he walks on making a mental note to punch a cushion at the earliest opportunity.

3.01pm

Back at Labour HQ:

“Just a tiny, little bit less creepy, Ed. Or, just look at the camera less.”

“Okay, okay,” says Ed.

“No, no,” said David Axelrod. “He has to look at the camera. Latest polling suggests that people are beginning to fancy him.”

“Really?” replied the Media Director. “Well, if it works, it works. It doesn’t have to make sense. Keep looking at the camera. Go wild. Now, Ed, would you like a break before we go on?”

“I think that’s a really important question, and I’m glad you’ve asked it.”

“Yeah, I think we need as much time as we can get.”

5.05pm

David Cameron learns that, earlier today, Ed Miliband hit out at the PM’s absenteeism from the debate, saying: “Here’s what I believe, I think if you are applying for the job of Prime Minister, the very least people expect if for you to turn up to the job interview.”

Cameron flies into a rage. Well, from one rage to another.

“This makes me furious,” he says, as on-lookers suspect that the Prime Minister’s puce complexion is beginning to show flashes of green. “I’m not applying for the job of Prime Minister. I’m reapplying! That makes me different! I don’t have to go through the preliminaries. That’s it: Miliband’s going in the book.”

He takes his notebook out.

“Oh. He’s already in it. Quite a few times. As are benefit scroungers, failing to win a majority, impertinent questions, grey hairs, and not having any cutlery at a barbeque. Well, I’ll put him in again, just for good measure.”

He tries to write in the name but finds his pen is out of ink.

“Bloody hell!” he bellows. “Fine then. I’ll just have to write it with my natural bile instead.”

The Prime Minister storms out, leaving a bewildered team.

“Well,” said Boris Johnson wryly, “someone needs to chillax.”

 Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

Election Diary - Day 17: Farage to Voters: "Are you local people?"

Wednesday 15th April

Good morning! I’m Ant or Dec, and welcome to Britain’s Got Bridesmaids! The show where leaders of the smaller parties make their pitch to be the Deputy Prime Minister, in a move which will hammer their electoral futures in five years’ time!

8.00am

This morning we have Nick, from Sheffield-via-Westminster School, and Nigel, out of Royston Vasey from The League of Gentlemen!

Nick’s act comprises of announcing a manifesto! Wherein he pretends that anything bad that’s happened over the last five years was all the fault of the other lot.

Nigel’s act comprises of announcing a manifesto! Wherein he pretends that anything bad that’s happened over the last fifty years was all the fault of people who aren’t local.

Nick’s manifesto is called “Please listen to me!”, whilst Nigel’s is titled “I’m not racist, but…”.

So, on with the show…

10.00am

The hour is fast approaching for Nick Clegg to make his case to the nation, and he will do it in a trendy venue in Battersea. It has been a rough campaign for the Lib Dems, and indeed a rough week. Not only are people ignoring strong performances in debates and TV interviews, but yesterday their battle bus broke down as well, leading to many obvious jokes at their expense. Nick strides out onto stage filled with energy and vigour, and gives a characteristic performance from this campaign in that:

a) He is confident.

b) He is gutsy about his record.

c) No-one is listening.

“We will add a heart to a Conservative Government and a brain to a Labour one,” says Clegg, suggesting that the Lib Dems are a sort of Frankenstein’s Monster of British politics. “We will add a gall bladder to David Cameron, a spleen to Ed Miliband, and an appendix to History.”

Clegg plays it safe afterwards and decides that questions from the press would only complicate matters. He takes one from a Financial Times journalist and then only points to party members. That is until his microphone fizzes out and blows the power, leaving Clegg in a most symbolic position: unwatched, unheard, alone in the dark.

11.00am

UKIP have chosen to launch their manifesto in a Thurrock hotel that specialises in Fawlty Towers nights. Farage has always admired Basil Fawlty for his incompetence, anger and constant mistreatment of immigrants (and he gave the Germans what for and all).

Farage gives a little bit of stand-up, bringing laughter from all the way around the room, before handing over to Suzanne Evans, who wrote the manifesto, to give the lion’s share of the policy detail.  It’s around 11.30, and Nigel’s not a man for the detail. He’s a man for a quick one before lunch.

1.45pm

Nevertheless, Farage does need to make sure that his blood is up, because he has been challenged to a honest-to-God duel by a Polish prince. The man in question, Yanek Zylinski, is a British Citizen and is tired of Poles being blamed for many things, and especially traffic jams on our motorways. And quite right too. Everyone knows that traffic jams on our motorways are the fault of election battle buses breaking down.

2.39pm

Speaking of which, the Lib Dems’ campaign coach breaks down for the second time in two days. In the seat of Hornsey & Wood Green, which the party’s Lynne Featherstone is desperately trying to hold. Apparently the queues in the traffic are trailing all the way back to the polling station.

5.39pm

The BBC has been running a Big Ideas Panel throughout the campaign, and my word we need them. So they gather notable people to talk about the ideas behind the election, in a relatively independent manner. So, which members of the Brain Trust are on today?

Heather Rabbatts, Peter Stringfellow, and Brian May, all of whom we know have magnificent minds. I mean, look at what their brainwaves do to their hair.

As it happens, everyone turns on Stringfellow. Can’t imagine why.

6.00pm

Nick Clegg begins his way home after the longest day yet. Away from the cocoon of the party masses, he knows that things are hard for the Lib Dems.

Or are they? Because in his constituency of Sheffield Hallam, a former Tory candidate there is campaigning for him, so that the Lib Dems can stop Labour. How times change.

Nick hears this and smiles wryly. He smiles a lot these days despite everything. Why? Because at the moment, he is the person most likely to help form the next government.

 Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.