Friday, April 17, 2015

Election Diary - Day 19: UKIP Officially Join The Dark Side of the Force

Friday 17th April
Ed Miliband walks away from the Challengers’ Debate satisfied. It was a strong performance he faced difficulty in that Nicola Sturgeon had directly asked him to accept the offer of her support in making him Prime Minister. As the car drove him home, he wondered whether he was just three weeks from being Prime Minister and what sort of government he would lead.

A desert place.
BENNETT:            When shall we three meet again
                                In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
WOOD:                 When the hurlyburly's done,
                                When the battle's lost and hung.
STURGEON:        That will be ere the rise of sun.
BENNETT:            Where the place?
WOOD:                 Upon the heath.
STURGEON:        There to meet with Miliband.

It was an interchange of views between left and right which was surreal, surprising, amusing, and left a lot of people looking very stupid.
I refer of course to Shadow Education Secretary Tristram Hunt’s conversation with a primary school child yesterday, which is making viral waves at the moment.
Mr Hunt: “Do you know who you’d vote for?”
Schoolboy: “Er… UKIP.”
Mr Hunt: “You’d vote UKIP, very good, why is that?”
Schoolboy: “Er…like get all the foreigners out the country.”
It’s Hunt’s polite “very good” that makes this art. However, this surely doesn’t reflect well on UKIP. I mean, look at the level that the argument reaches. It is literally a childish position.

As for the debate last night, general opinion is that Ed Miliband did well, but not well enough in Scotland to arrest his problems. The other question is whether David Cameron made a wise decision in not attending. At the very least, it looks like he’s avoiding scrutiny, and at the very worst for him, it allowed Ed Miliband the chance to look Prime Ministerial.
One issue which seems to have some traction is the worry that Labour being supported by Nationalists will threaten the Union, and to that end they have a friend in the Newsnight caption department.
Nevertheless, the Prime Minister is concerned. Last night, Miliband challenged him to a one-to-one debate. Now, the Leader of the Opposition is calling press conferences with his promoter, where he says: “David Cameron, I'm calling you out. Let's fight May 5th and give the world what they want to see. My family reunion was pushed back because the date was locked in. Step up Punk."

Iain Duncan-Smith has said that he doesn’t understand why zero-hours contracts have been given such a negative name. He suggests flexible-hours contracts.
In Who’s Who, Mr Duncan-Smith describes himself as “attractively hairless”, and insists that his welfare policies aren’t draconian but rather are “like the dragons out of Game of Thrones – awesome and all-conquering”.

Here’s a picture of Boris Johnson wearing a hairnet, which poses the question: is any hairnet up to the job?

Bit of a POET’S Day feeling (Piss Off Early Tomorrow’s Saturday) to today’s campaigning. Nevertheless, the press and the pollsters are ensuring that the important questions are asked. To that end, they have polled: what are the parties’ views on Star Wars?
With a new trailer for The Force Awakens being released yesterday, Star Wars fever is gripping the globe, and we now have comprehensive data on how the parties relate to this, courtesy of The Daily Telegraph’s Asa Bennett.
Lib Dem supporters like the series the most. The Conservative supporters like Han Solo the best, which is odd because he is a smuggler and tax evader. Labour supporters also like Solo, because he is someone he starts it sticking it to the establishment, and then ends up becoming part of it.

However, the standout stat is that UKIP’s favourite character is Darth Vader, despite the fact that he is an immigrant to both the Dark Side and the Galactic Republic. Intolerant, pro-military, and driven by a dark heart of hate, UKIP won the European elections last year.

The Election Diary will return on Sunday with a Weekend Round-Up

 Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

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