Tuesday 21st April
Extraordinary scenes in the election campaign today, as the Tories employed an old waxwork to make their case. But could the waxwork break the Union?
“Go into the cupboard and wheel him out,” said Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
An intern went and found what had been asked for, and came back.
“I can’t seem to get all the dust off him,” said the intern.
“Don’t worry. He’s John Major. That’s just how he looks. Come on, let’s go.”
“Shall we bring the soapbox?”
“No!” said Lynton. “Anything but that.”
It is Back to Basics for the Tories. After Tony Blair's reprise two weeks ago, today is the return of Britain’s most popular politician ever. No, really. It is a solid fact that John Major’s victory in 1992 saw the largest number of votes cast (14 million) in any British election, ever.
The Tories want to relive the good times and, for the Tories, John Major is strangely synonymous with the good times these days. Well, you never know what you had until you’ve undermined it at every turn, humiliated it with scandal, condemned it to electoral oblivion and lost it.
So, it’s peas for everyone at Tory HQ, as Sir John arrives in a blaze of grey, eyes of fire behind spark-guard glasses. Major warns of the danger of a Labour government propped up by the SNP, saying that they will seek to create division in order to lay the ground for separation, and will blackmail the government daily.
A journalist asks “Mr Major, how can you be so sure that a Labour-SNP deal will be a disaster? You effectively ran a minority government in the last year of your premiership, supported by Northern Irish parties.”
“I know – it was hell in there lad,” replies Major, with a harrowed look on his face. “I’m arguing for Ed Miliband’s sake really. No-one should have to go through that. No-one.”
The media event over, Major goes and shakes hands with the faithful, and slowly makes his way to the party treasurer, who is holding an anonymous brown envelope.
David Cameron rings up the last Tory Prime Minister to win a General Election to thank him for his speech.
“I can’t thank you enough, John. What more can I do to win a majority though?”
“I’m not sure.”
“How did you do it in ’92, John?”
“Oh, that was easy. I ran against Neil Kinnock.”
“Ah, yes. I thought I was running against Kinnock, but it turns out that Ed Miliband is a cross between Ricky Hatton and Casanova. I never thought they could elect a dull, geeky, bookish sort like him.”
“Yes,” replied Major. “I remember how surprised I was by that in 1990.”
Cameron, as we know, is one for long-term plans, and here is evidence of his plan should he lose his job in a few weeks’ time. He’s going to audition for Bob the Builder.
George Obsorne had to field a telephone call whilst on a visit to a brewery.
“I’m terribly worried about this strategy, George,” said Lord Forsyth, former Conservative Scottish Secretary.
“Oh, really?” replied Osborne. “Why so?”
“It’s very divisive, talking about the “SNP threat”. I fear that it could ultimately lead to the break-up of the Union.”
“Oh no,” said George with as much sincerity as he could muster. “We couldn’t possibly want that. I have to go now Michael. I’m kicking something whilst it’s down.”
Nick Clegg and Vince Cable visited a drama therapy class today, which is designed to help vulnerable adults with their self-esteem and confidence. It is unclear as to whether this is a campaign visit or if Nick and Vince felt in need of this particular brand of support.
Boris has been in Kent today. He was initially greeted with hostility, but in typical Boris style he appears to have turned it all around, as the marks of red on his left cheek attest.
Boris did, however, seem to suggest that people might vote for parties other than the Conservatives, a though that hadn’t hitherto crossed his mind apparently. He says: “There is a real risk other parties could mistakenly persuade people there was any other option."
How dare they! What a ludicrous suggestion!
UKIP's Suzanne Evans says of voters "Once you go UKIP, you stay there. It feels like home." Which really does make it sound like a cult. It's not that you can't leave, it's just that no-one ever does.
5.00pmAs Sir John is returned to CCHQ, swiftly mothballed and returned to the cupboard, news filters through that Sir Bruce Forsyth has said that he’s enjoying the election, and that Cameron and Miliband are just like old style Vaudeville stars. Which is fair enough as a comparison. Vaudeville stars were one step above clowns, desperate to be liked and always chatting bollocks.
Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.