Tuesday 21st April
Extraordinary scenes in the election campaign today, as the Tories employed an old waxwork to make their case. But could the waxwork break the Union?
8.00am
“Go into the cupboard and wheel
him out,” said Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
An intern went and found what had
been asked for, and came back.
“I can’t seem to get all the dust
off him,” said the intern.
“Don’t worry. He’s John Major. That’s
just how he looks. Come on, let’s go.”
“Shall we bring the soapbox?”
“No!” said Lynton. “Anything but
that.”
11.00am
It is Back to Basics for the
Tories. After Tony Blair's reprise two weeks ago, today is the return of Britain’s most
popular politician ever. No, really. It is a solid fact that John Major’s
victory in 1992 saw the largest number of votes cast (14 million) in any
British election, ever.
The Tories want to relive the
good times and, for the Tories, John Major is strangely synonymous with the
good times these days. Well, you never know what you had until you’ve
undermined it at every turn, humiliated it with scandal, condemned it to
electoral oblivion and lost it.
So, it’s peas for everyone at Tory
HQ, as Sir John arrives in a blaze of grey, eyes of fire behind spark-guard
glasses. Major warns of the danger of a Labour government propped up by the
SNP, saying that they will seek to create division in order to lay the ground
for separation, and will blackmail the government daily.
A journalist asks “Mr Major, how
can you be so sure that a Labour-SNP deal will be a disaster? You effectively
ran a minority government in the last year of your premiership, supported by
Northern Irish parties.”
“I know – it was hell in there
lad,” replies Major, with a harrowed look on his face. “I’m arguing for Ed
Miliband’s sake really. No-one should have to go through that. No-one.”
The media event over, Major goes
and shakes hands with the faithful, and slowly makes his way to the party
treasurer, who is holding an anonymous brown envelope.
12.05pm
David Cameron rings up the last
Tory Prime Minister to win a General Election to thank him for his speech.
“I can’t thank you enough, John. What
more can I do to win a majority though?”
“I’m not sure.”
“How did you do it in ’92, John?”
“Oh, that was easy. I ran against
Neil Kinnock.”
“Ah, yes. I thought I was running
against Kinnock, but it turns out that Ed Miliband is a cross between Ricky
Hatton and Casanova. I never thought they could elect a dull, geeky, bookish
sort like him.”
“Yes,” replied Major. “I remember
how surprised I was by that in 1990.”
1.45pm
Cameron, as we know, is one for
long-term plans, and here is evidence of his plan should he lose his job in a
few weeks’ time. He’s going to audition for Bob
the Builder.
2.03pm
George Obsorne had to field a
telephone call whilst on a visit to a brewery.
“I’m terribly worried about this strategy,
George,” said Lord Forsyth, former Conservative Scottish Secretary.
“Oh, really?” replied Osborne. “Why
so?”
“It’s very divisive, talking
about the “SNP threat”. I fear that it could ultimately lead to the break-up of
the Union.”
“Oh no,” said George with as much
sincerity as he could muster. “We couldn’t possibly want that. I have to go now
Michael. I’m kicking something whilst it’s down.”
2.45pm
Nick Clegg and Vince Cable
visited a drama therapy class today, which is designed to help vulnerable adults
with their self-esteem and confidence. It is unclear as to whether this is a
campaign visit or if Nick and Vince felt in need of this particular brand of
support.
3.04pm
Boris has been in Kent today. He
was initially greeted with hostility, but in typical Boris style he appears to
have turned it all around, as the marks of red on his left cheek attest.
Boris did, however, seem to
suggest that people might vote for parties other than the Conservatives, a
though that hadn’t hitherto crossed his mind apparently. He says: “There is a
real risk other parties could mistakenly persuade people there was any other
option."
How dare they! What a ludicrous
suggestion!
4.45pm
UKIP's Suzanne Evans says of voters "Once you go UKIP, you stay there. It feels like home." Which really does make it sound like a cult. It's not that you can't leave, it's just that no-one ever does.
5.00pm
As Sir John is returned to CCHQ, swiftly mothballed
and returned to the cupboard, news filters through that Sir Bruce Forsyth has
said that he’s enjoying the election, and that Cameron and Miliband are just like
old style Vaudeville stars. Which is fair enough as a comparison. Vaudeville
stars were one step above clowns, desperate to be liked and always chatting
bollocks.Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
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