Monday 20th April
Nicola the Bruce is ready. Today she marched for Bannockburn. Well,
Edinburgh actually. After all a vote for the Scottish Nationalists is not a
vote for Scottish Independence. Not for the next 12 months at any rate. Meanwhile,
south of the border, David “Longshanks” Cameron fears for his fiefdom.
8.34am
The Prime Minister’s ears are
burning as he catches something on the radio.
“It is extraordinary,” says yet
another commentator. “To see such a sudden groundswell of support behind a
governing party which has had many setbacks – some major setbacks – but which
is polling so strongly that all of its opponents seem bereft of energy and
ideas.”
The Tory leader is chuffed to
bits. The polls must have finally swung his way.
“There you are Samantha,” he
chortles. “I knew it would work. It must have been how positive I was last
week, and because our long-term economic plan is working. I knew the people
would come to their senses!”
“Darling,” replied Samantha
tentatively. “They’re talking about the SNP.”
10.13am
A little later, David Longshanks –
the Hammer of the Union – is in the middle of a pre-emptive strike against the
SNP (much easier to criticise what they’re saying before they’ve actually said
it). His mission, though, is to exploit fears about the SNP without being too
negative. But what are those fears exactly? David elaborates:
“They will spend more, borrow
more, demand the abolition of Trident, demand that HS2 begins in Scotland, insist
that everyone’s surname begins with “Mc”, replace “Good afternoon” with “You’ll
have had your tea”, and redub David Tennant’s Doctor Who so he speaks with his original accent.”
Mission accomplished.
10.59am
Nigel Farage has the Scottish
question under control.
“A key plank of a UKIP devolution
policy, and our immigration policy, would be to reconstruct Hadrian’s Wall. We
like building walls in UKIP. Or barriers of any kind. The Romans had one of the
best immigration policies in history, apart from the bit which involved
invading us. I think it is time to rebuild the wall and stop the Wildlings.”
“The Wildlings?” inquires a
journalist. “You mean the Scots.”
“I call them like I see them.”
11.21am
People throng to the SNP
manifesto launch, leaving cars in the streets, and giving her a warmer greeting
than even Ed Miliband’s “friends” could muster.
It is another effective and
appealing performance from Nicola the Bruce, showing the sort of political
ability and acumen that is sorely lacking in England. Much to Cameron’s
chagrin, she isn’t wearing any tartan, hasn’t turned up with a comedy red beard
on, and isn’t screaming “FREEDOM!” with a slight Australian accent.
2.25pm
“It’s outrageous!” screams a Tory
voter in a Surrey pub. “They want to break us up, but they also want to run the
country.”
“I don’t know,” says his son. “They
are entitled to run and stand up for their views. I don’t think they’re doing
anything wrong.”
“It’s the principle of the thing,
you socialist sproglet. I don’t want to be run by a short Scottish woman and
that’s that!”
“Well, we’re ruled by a short
German one. We haven’t had an English monarch in centuries, the two previous
Prime Ministers were Scots, and this one’s got a Scottish name. What does it
matter?”
5.49pm
The Tories are even suggesting a
monitoring system to ensure that Scottish devolution doesn’t work “to the
detriment of the rest of the UK”. They really are pitching to exploit (and, to
some extent, whip-up) anti-SNP sentiment and fear. To some southerners, the SNP
are a bit like the girlfriend who keeps threatening to leave you and take all
your record collection, where “threatening to leave you” means “break up the
country”, and “your record collection” means “nuclear weapons and North Sea oil”.
Polls suggest that over 50% of British
voters do not want the SNP to form any part in the next government, so there
may be some traction in this. However, with Labour promising not to enter into
formal coalition with the SNP, will this ploy work with voters? Particularly
when any substantive part of their message is somewhat drowned out by the
general “THEY’RE COMING OVER THE WALL!” tone of it.
Explaining his strategy, Tory
Campaign Director Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young said: “We here in the
Conservative Party have suffered a lot from UKIP. They cornered the market in
xenophobic votes. Then we realised that they were only exploiting xenophobia
toward those who live outside the
country. They were doing nothing about xenophobia toward those who live inside the country.”
“Won’t that cause further cracks
in the Union?” asked a journalist.
“Well, after the damage we caused in the
referendum debate last year, what have we got to lose?”Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
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