Monday 20th April
Nicola the Bruce is ready. Today she marched for Bannockburn. Well, Edinburgh actually. After all a vote for the Scottish Nationalists is not a vote for Scottish Independence. Not for the next 12 months at any rate. Meanwhile, south of the border, David “Longshanks” Cameron fears for his fiefdom.
The Prime Minister’s ears are burning as he catches something on the radio.
“It is extraordinary,” says yet another commentator. “To see such a sudden groundswell of support behind a governing party which has had many setbacks – some major setbacks – but which is polling so strongly that all of its opponents seem bereft of energy and ideas.”
The Tory leader is chuffed to bits. The polls must have finally swung his way.
“There you are Samantha,” he chortles. “I knew it would work. It must have been how positive I was last week, and because our long-term economic plan is working. I knew the people would come to their senses!”
“Darling,” replied Samantha tentatively. “They’re talking about the SNP.”
A little later, David Longshanks – the Hammer of the Union – is in the middle of a pre-emptive strike against the SNP (much easier to criticise what they’re saying before they’ve actually said it). His mission, though, is to exploit fears about the SNP without being too negative. But what are those fears exactly? David elaborates:
“They will spend more, borrow more, demand the abolition of Trident, demand that HS2 begins in Scotland, insist that everyone’s surname begins with “Mc”, replace “Good afternoon” with “You’ll have had your tea”, and redub David Tennant’s Doctor Who so he speaks with his original accent.”
Nigel Farage has the Scottish question under control.
“A key plank of a UKIP devolution policy, and our immigration policy, would be to reconstruct Hadrian’s Wall. We like building walls in UKIP. Or barriers of any kind. The Romans had one of the best immigration policies in history, apart from the bit which involved invading us. I think it is time to rebuild the wall and stop the Wildlings.”
“The Wildlings?” inquires a journalist. “You mean the Scots.”
“I call them like I see them.”
People throng to the SNP manifesto launch, leaving cars in the streets, and giving her a warmer greeting than even Ed Miliband’s “friends” could muster.
It is another effective and appealing performance from Nicola the Bruce, showing the sort of political ability and acumen that is sorely lacking in England. Much to Cameron’s chagrin, she isn’t wearing any tartan, hasn’t turned up with a comedy red beard on, and isn’t screaming “FREEDOM!” with a slight Australian accent.
“It’s outrageous!” screams a Tory voter in a Surrey pub. “They want to break us up, but they also want to run the country.”
“I don’t know,” says his son. “They are entitled to run and stand up for their views. I don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.”
“It’s the principle of the thing, you socialist sproglet. I don’t want to be run by a short Scottish woman and that’s that!”
“Well, we’re ruled by a short German one. We haven’t had an English monarch in centuries, the two previous Prime Ministers were Scots, and this one’s got a Scottish name. What does it matter?”
The Tories are even suggesting a monitoring system to ensure that Scottish devolution doesn’t work “to the detriment of the rest of the UK”. They really are pitching to exploit (and, to some extent, whip-up) anti-SNP sentiment and fear. To some southerners, the SNP are a bit like the girlfriend who keeps threatening to leave you and take all your record collection, where “threatening to leave you” means “break up the country”, and “your record collection” means “nuclear weapons and North Sea oil”.
Polls suggest that over 50% of British voters do not want the SNP to form any part in the next government, so there may be some traction in this. However, with Labour promising not to enter into formal coalition with the SNP, will this ploy work with voters? Particularly when any substantive part of their message is somewhat drowned out by the general “THEY’RE COMING OVER THE WALL!” tone of it.
Explaining his strategy, Tory Campaign Director Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young said: “We here in the Conservative Party have suffered a lot from UKIP. They cornered the market in xenophobic votes. Then we realised that they were only exploiting xenophobia toward those who live outside the country. They were doing nothing about xenophobia toward those who live inside the country.”
“Won’t that cause further cracks in the Union?” asked a journalist.“Well, after the damage we caused in the referendum debate last year, what have we got to lose?”
Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.