Saturday 18th April
Nigel Farage is not a man for understatement, and this weekend he has been at it again. He’s compared himself to Gandhi.
Speaking on Saturday, he said: "I am taking on the status quo. I am taking on their very, very comfortable lives. But if you look through history anybody that challenges the status quo, whether in business, science or politics, they have a go at you. And it was Gandhi, of course, who said 'first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you and then you win'."
A rather extraordinary comparison, particularly considering that Gandhi was a one-time expatriate, ascetic, and tee-total. Whereas, Nigel Farage dislikes all expatriates, is given to self-indulgence, and thinks tee-totalism is something to do with golf.
But you have to applaud the gutsiness of the man. Keep going Nige, because first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they laugh at you some more, and then you compare yourself to Gandhi and they roll around on the floor pissing themselves.
As if to reinforce the questionable strength of the comparison, a UKIP councillor was arrested this weekend in connection with an alleged assault at a meeting of the anti-extremist group Hope Not Hate. Hard to think of anything less in keeping with the life of Gandhi than an act of violence against a peaceful group.
Meanwhile, the battle for the seat of Lewes has been all but decided after a penalty shoot-out at a match on Saturday. The Greens won after their candidate was the only one to score at all. However, it is encouraging to know that the quality of our prospective MPs is on a par with the quality of our footballers.
Sunday 19th April
Angry David Cameron woke up the nation this morning with another raging performance on The Andrew Marr Show. The first question was whether the Tories’ private polling said that they have close to no chance of forming a majority. Cameron insisted that private polling does show a chance of a majority, adding that the research also shows that Elvis is alive, pig-aviation is more probable than not, and reports of bear defecation in the woods have been greatly exaggerated.
Time is running out for the Prime Minister, with recent polls seeming to give Labour a small lead. He still has to persuade very many people, and Cameron refers to such moments as an “essay crisis”, which means that over the past five years he hasn't done any of the reading, has been partying too much, and is now running on an ungodly combination of Red Bull, pizza and Haribo.
Marr closed the show with a final joust with Dave, before announcing that next week’s will feature Ed Miliband and Boris Johnson. Well, with a line-up like that we all know what DC is going to be watching next Sunday morning: Rastamouse on CBeebies.
What Cameron is really lacking though is sex appeal. Whereas at one point he was listed as one of the 100 sexiest men in the world, the Prime Minister is now old news: the centre-spread from another decade.
No such trouble for his opponent, because whereas Cameron is not, Ed Miliband is most definitely hot. Tales of him becoming the most unlikely political sex symbol since Robin Cook are widespread, and a recent article in The Daily Mail (which had nil political content but is now being adapted by ITV2 into a six part series called The Only Way is Hampstead) illustrated his sexy past.
For reasons that surely pass all understanding, some people have doubted Ed’s raw animal magnetism. Well, doubt no more, and witness this mobbing of the Leader of the Opposition from a hen party in Cheshire.
Not even Harry Styles gets this sort of reception. One girl can be heard saying “I think I’m going to cry,” and she says this in a very positive way. They demand selfies and one says that he is “adorable”.
At future Labour rallies, we can expect pants to be thrown on stage and Ed signing people’s breasts. Riders are being sent out ahead of 30th April’s Question Time Leaders’ Special to accommodate for his groupies, and giddy teenagers screaming “Play “The Cost of Living Crisis” again”.Meanwhile, Nick Clegg is left going through his black book which contains his 30 sexual conquests, and David Cameron is left to stare into the mirror, gussy himself up and mournfully try to convince himself that he’s still got it.
Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.