Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Election Diary Extra: A Major Revival

A day in the life of a returning Prime Minister

“Go into the cupboard and wheel him out,” said Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
An intern went and found what had been asked for, and came back.
“I can’t seem to get all the dust off him,” said the intern.
“Don’t worry. He’s John Major. That’s just how he looks. Come on, let’s go.”
“Shall we bring the soapbox?”
“No!” said Lynton. “Anything but that." And with that they began the journey to Solihull.

It is Back to Basics for the Tories. They want to relive the good times and, for the Tories, John Major is strangely synonymous with the good times these days. Well, you never know what you had until you’ve undermined it at every turn, humiliated it with scandal, condemned it to electoral oblivion and lost it. So, it’s peas for everyone at the Tory event, as Sir John arrives in a blaze of grey, eyes of fire lurking behind spark-guard glasses.

Major took to the stage to give his speech. However, no sooner had he started, then someone on the back row was shouting "Get off!" Sir John, always plucky, continued and illustrated the tremendous journey that has brought the Union to the brink. Major warns of the danger of a Labour government propped up by the SNP, saying that they will seek to create division in order to lay the ground for separation, and will blackmail the government daily.

Having concluded this section of the speech, he was aware that it wasn't going down entirely well, so he stopped speaking, sat down and said that he would only go on if the audience voted for him to do so. John Redwood offered to take over and give the speech, but a vast majority of the audience took great glee in telling him to fuck off, and so Major resumed.

He said that Labour must not consider some form of affair with the SNP: "Sometimes, you think it might be a bit of fun to run off with someone and not care too much about any pre-existing Union. I've tried it, and let me tell you, you only end up with a red face and your back to the taps."

A journalist asks: “Mr Major, how can you be so sure that a Labour-SNP deal will be a disaster? You effectively ran a minority government in the last year of your premiership, supported by Northern Irish parties.”

“I know – it was hell in there lad,” replies Major, with a harrowed look on his face. “I’m arguing for Ed Miliband’s sake really. No-one should have to go through that. No-one.”

The media event over, Major goes and shakes hands with the faithful, and slowly makes his way to the party treasurer, who is holding an anonymous brown envelope.

David Cameron rings up the last Tory Prime Minister to win a General Election to thank him for his speech.

“I can’t thank you enough, John. What more can I do to win a majority though?”

“I’m not sure.”

“How did you do it in ’92, John?”

“Oh, that was easy. I ran against Neil Kinnock.”

“Ah, yes. I thought I was running against Kinnock, but it turns out that Ed Miliband is a cross between Ricky Hatton and Casanova. I never thought they could elect a dull, geeky, bookish sort like him.”

“Yes,” replied Major. “I remember how surprised I was by that in 1990.”

This was taken and expanded from the original Election Diaries, available here

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

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