Monday, October 26, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Lordy, Lordy. The Peers are the Champions of the Poor

Monday 26th October
The House of Lords has awoken from its statutory slumber. The place which is normally used as a cure for insomnia has suddenly become a place of grand excitement, as they have voted to delay the Government’s highly controversial changes to tax credits.
This leaves George Osborne fuming and forced to present a number of transitory measures. In his press pool interview, he repeats the phrase “unelected Lords” like he was John McDonnell saying “embarrassing”.
Constitutional upheaval is promised, but what form that might take is as yet unclear. The hot favourite is that George and David will create many more of the “unelected Lords” they despise so much.
If you are interested in becoming a Tory peer, please send an application to:

I Want £300 a Day to Be Blindly Obedient
PO Box 0001
Westminster
SW1 1AB

For more detail on the ramifications and how the Queen’s Corgis may become involved, watch this clip from our forthcoming podcast here:


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Friday, October 23, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: TalkTalk Responsible for Being Victim of Breathtaking Crime

Friday 23rd October
It’s all very convenient for the producers of the new Bond film Spectre.
Having crafted a film where the threat is in information and computers and basically casts the digital age as the ultimate battleground of non-state terror, they really needed a news story which could chime with the themes of the movie.
Enter TalkTalk, which has been assaulted by hackers who have taken vast swathes of data, including personal and financial details of customers. There has now been a ransom demand, blackmailing the company. As criminality goes, it is the equivalent of the Great Train Robbery, the Hatton Garden Jewellery theft, and the plot of Ocean’s Eleven all rolled into one and then multiplied several times over.
Customers are naturally worried and upset, but many have turned their fire on the company. One woman on the news said she was seeking another provider (fair enough) – one that wouldn’t “leak data by accident”.
“Leak data”? You mean like how the Millennium Dome leaked those diamonds when some crooks drove a JCB into it?
It’s a sign of the terrifying world we live in where there is such vulnerability, but also such a lack of understanding. Naively, we don’t seem to worry too much about giving our personal details to our banks, utility suppliers and so on, but do worry about governments having access to our Facebook. Concerning in principle, but if someone at GCHQ wants to trawl through all of the invites I get to start-up business, fringe theatres or, dare I say it, satirical Facebook Pages, best of luck to them. Perhaps they can let me know which ones are actually worth attending.

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Thursday, October 22, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Bye-bye Biden

Thursday 22nd October
International news, and we’re checking in with the ongoing Presidential Election in the United States. And by “ongoing”, I mean “hasn’t actually started yet – still two-and-a-half months to go until the first primary”.
The Republicans have taken most of the publicity because they’re current front-runners are a mannequin from a barbershop and a surprisingly racist African American. Meanwhile, the Democrats are being fearfully dull by sticking with the same front-runner they’ve had for seven years.
Hillary Clinton currently leads by 26 points, and all the hope was pinned on Vice President Joe Biden entering the race and shaking things up. Not because he’d be able to stop the inevitable, but because he would inject some of the bat-shit craziness that has made the GOP’s contest so watchable.
This is the man who, at a campaign event, invited a local State Senator to stand-up. “Where are ya Chuck? Stand-up Chuck!” he shouted, forgetting that Chuck Graham was in fact wheelchair-bound. Also, upon being named Obama’s running mate in 2008, he made a very convincing case as to why Hillary would have been a better VP. His announcement yesterday that he would not be running in 2016 came as a blow to Vine account users everywhere.
So, where will a challenge to Hillary come from, if one does at all? Certainly not from Lincoln Chafee, who in a poll after the recent Democratic Debate received not 1%, nor 0%. Rather, he got “*%”. The other candidates got 99% between them. *% seems exceedingly harsh.
The likeliest candidate is Mr Sanders, a dishevelled maverick from the left-wing of the party whose supporters are convinced that he’s more popular than the polls suggest because all of their friends agree that he’s the optimistic hopeful they’ve been waiting for, and anyone who disagrees is clearly part of a capitalist conspiracy.
I feel like I’ve heard that somewhere before…

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Wednesday, October 21, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Only One Direction for Rees-Mogg - Back to the Past

Wednesday 21st October
The migrant crisis really is just getting worse. There was a full two minute piece about it on the news, and we saw these poor people being herded about the place, all hopeful and expectant, and then being told by a man to go home, and they wept and they wailed. It was a real scene of human misery.
Later, it transpired that this was actually about the cancellation of a One Direction gig. Two minutes coverage on the lunchtime news. The arrival of 114 people on boats at a British base in Cyprus received a cursory mention. Proportionate news broadcasting at its best.
Meanwhile, Wednesday brought another round of Prime Minister’s Questions and Jeremy Corbyn delivered his most assured performance yet, but whenever he had Cameron unsettled, he changed subject.
Tax credits featured heavily, but only one man has identified the real issue. As ever, the matter has only been truly analysed by the searing, contemporary scrutiny of Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Yes, the Member for the 19th Century is worried about the widespread speculation that the House of Lords will chuck out the credit cuts, despite the fact that the Commons has now backed the plans twice.
Now, the Tories don’t have a majority in the Lords, and opposition Peers feel they are entitled to vote against the measure because:
a) it wasn’t in the Tory manifesto, and
b) the piece was introduced as secondary legislation, rather than a finance bill.
On Back to the Future Day, Rees-Mogg’s question took us back to 1678, and led to accusations that he was being “disingenuous” with his critiques of “the other place”.
However, it does seem like a delicious irony that the left may end up thanking their lucky stars when the deliverance from tax credit cuts comes from the House of Lords.
After all, it’s an anachronistic and undemocratic institution: but it works!


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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Cameron Keeps His Friends Close, and His Financiers Closer

Tuesday 20th October
There’s a State Visit in town, and after last week’s controversies over our relationship with Saudi Arabia, David Cameron could really use the visit being from a country with an excellent human rights record.
It’s not from one of those.
Still, just so long as it’s an economic partner who is contributing to the greater good of British industry, and not, for instance, one that is actually directly responsible for… oh, I don’t know... this week's collapse of our steel industry, say.
Oh dear. It appears the state in question is exactly that.
The Chinese President, Xi Jinping, is here, with all the usual fanfare of a State Visit, but with a more than usual number of awkward questions. Why do you arrest so many political opponents? Why do you allow sweat shops? Why are we putting up with your cheap steel that’s destroying one of our last industries standing? You know – the sort of light dinner party conversation you’d expect at Jeremy Corbyn’s house, and why all eyes are on him at tonight’s state banquet.
They are big and important questions though, and given them it is concerning the President Xi told Parliament today that Britain and China are becoming “a community of shared interests”. Be calmed though. It seems like our shared interests only include money, energy infrastructure, football and money again.
And we have spoken to China about human rights, with the now traditional game of inter-governmental charades, where David Cameron tries to get President Xi to guess “human rights”. Upon the President’s correct guess, he asks “What are human rights?”, to which the Prime Minister responds “They’re not important. It’s just important that we mentioned them.”
It took a while to get to that stage. The Prime Minister attempted the first word by pointing to himself repeatedly, and Mr Xi only got to “human” via guesses of “toff”, “lame duck” and “Miss Piggy’s fiancĂ©”.

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Monday, October 19, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: Cameron Goes to Extremes

Monday 19th October
David Cameron is having one of those awkward British moments. You know the sort. You really want to talk honestly about race or religion and you don’t want to upset anybody, but then in your efforts to Morris dance round the subject, you end up saying something that upsets a lot of people.
As it happens, he was talking about Islamic Extremism, and whilst he went so far as to say that “extremists in no way represent the true spirit of Islam”, his actual programme ended up pissing off a lot of the Muslims he was trying to engage.
The Muslim Council of Britain was particularly irate. It’s Secretary General, Dr Shuja Shafi, said moves actually suggested "all aspects of Muslim life must undergo a 'compliance' test to prove our loyalty to this country", and that he detected “McCarthyist undertones”.
No doubt, these moves that particularly single out one religion carry a great risk of alienation, but “McCarthyist” seems a little alarmist. Maybe it’s something about the difference between British and American political discourse, but you can’t really imagine a parliamentary committee routinely asking people “Are you now or have you ever been an attendee at a community centre in Bradford that we’re not quite sure about?”
Anyway, in an attempt to pour oil on the waters, the Prime Minister sent out Theresa May, who has a recent track record of unifying rhetoric and impeccably judged comments on multiculturalism.
The Home Secretary said that the Government was aiming at “all those who spread hate”, and included neo-Nazism in this. This appears to be quite a sound doctrine, and to that end, Ms May should perhaps take a look at a really vile, divisive and poisonous speech that was delivered by a crazed zealot in Manchester earlier this month. She shouldn’t have to look too far to find it. She probably still has a draft of it in her office.

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Friday, October 16, 2015

The North by North Westminster Diary: If you U-turn when you're not going anywhere, does it make any difference?

Monday 12th October
The campaign to stay in the EU launches today as Britain Stronger in Europe, led by Lord Rose, the former boss of M&S. It is packed with leading lights from the worlds of business (Lord Rose), politics (err… Caroline Lucas) and former presenters of T4 (June Sarpong). In fairness, all of them are passionate and effective campaigners and, no doubt, their numbers will be added to.
However, they face accusations that they are using fear to ward off people from changing the status quo. These accusations are dismissed, before the campaign describes leaving the EU as a “leap in the dark”.
Clearly, Lord Rose has enjoyed many relaxing, fearless leaps into the dark. I tend to associate them with falls, bruises and getting into regrettable situations in nightclubs.

Tuesday 13th October
It was only a matter of time.
The leadership of the Labour party was always on a collision course with the parliamentary party, and at last night’s meeting of the PLP, it all kicked off. John McDonnell told MPs that he has u-turned on the Fiscal Charter; George Osborne’s attempt to bind governments into running a budget surplus.
Labour MPs are disbelieving, not because they necessarily dislike this stance, but rather because they cannot believe they’ve got to this point in the first place. It looks inept and this flip-flopping has sparked accusations of incompetence. Ben Bradshaw MP described it as a “total fucking shambles”.
The weird thing is that many backbench MPs are considering defying the party whip, despite the fact that they describe the charter as “non-credible” and “not a good idea”. It seems that some will abstain just to register discontent with the leadership.
It appears that the Labour Whips’ job is now to take a near-daily no confidence motion on Jeremy Corbyn.

Wednesday 14th October
Rifts in the Labour Party are as obvious as the Grand Canyon, but those in the Conservative Party are a little more like the San Andreas Fault: very dangerous but seemingly ignored.
Today, there’s news that the Cabinet is split over the scrapping of a controversial £5.9 million contract to train Saudi prison officers. Michael Gove was against it. Philip Hammond was for it. As was Theresa May, whose interest in the Saudi penal system is concerning, given her recent hardline views on other issues.
With a high-profile human rights case in process, it appears that the PM has decided that this deal doesn’t look good. However, two similar contracts with a system which regularly lops people’s hands off are A-OK apparently, and so the government is maintaining those.
Supporters of the deal say engagement with such regimes is a way of achieving change, whilst disengagement achieves nothing. Perhaps, but it does seem curious that the theory of engagement meets with such absolute resistance from Corbynites. After all, what will his Middle Eastern “friends” think of that position?

Thursday 15th October
Unsurprisingly, George Osborne passed his Fiscal Charter last night. The Commons debate was largely for show, but John McDonnell still managed to use it to make his face even redder than it was earlier in the week.
He did so by acknowledging that his U-turn had been “embarrassing”. Unfortunately, a Tory wag made a funny just before McDonnell said the word “embarrassing”, causing Conservatives to explode into hysterics. So, whilst waiting for the noise to die down, the Shadow Chancellor ended up mindlessly repeating the word “embarrassing” four times, on top of his initial use of the word “embarrassing”.
Which was embarrassing.

Friday 16th October
The Fiscal Charter Fallout continues. The 21 Labour abstainers have been inundated with abusive e-mails from Corbyn supporters, demanding resignations and calling them “Tory lite” and a “waste of a space”. All for abstaining on a vote that the Labour leadership didn’t have a coherent position on. So much for the kinder politics.
Meanwhile, The Daily Telegraph has an anonymous quote from a Shadow Minister who said “Jeremy Corbyn has got no control over his party... It is only a matter of time before there's a resignation.” So much for party loyalty.
Infighting, division and accusations of incompetence and betrayal are serious – symptomatic of ineffective opposition, which was brought into sharp focus by the appearance of Michelle Dorrell on Question Time. She broke down whilst describing her forthcoming hardship in the face of the tax credit cuts, and the betrayal she feels given that she voted Tory in May, when they promised that child tax credit would not be cut.
Mr McDonnell said this week that he had not changed policy, but parliamentary tactics. Funny, because the policy changed, but the parliamentary tactics remained ineffective. Had he always avoided Osborne’s crude political trap, by abstaining from a vote on the stunt and asking how it helps people who are about to be vastly worse off, then this diary would have been very different this week, and the narrative would have been so too. 


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