The North by North Westminster Diary - Labour's Queen Beyond the Wall Begins to Regret Experiment with Democracy

Monday 2^nd November

There’s trouble for the new Labour leader.

No, not that one. The other one.

I’m referring to Kezia Dugdale, Labour’s Queen Beyond the Wall, who today is dealing with the irony that, having successfully campaigned for Scottish Labour to have greater independence from the national party, Scottish Labour is now, in return, trying to get greater independence from her.

It all boiled down to a vote at conference on the thermonuclear thorn in Labour’s side, Trident. Ms Dugdale had urged caution, arguing for disarmament on a multilateral rather than unilateral basis. However, Scottish Labour voted overwhelmingly for the abolition of Trident, which now means that the Labour Party’s leader in Scotland has a different position from her party, which has the same position as the national leader, who has a different position from a large amount of his parliamentary party, all of whom are waiting on the national party who, as it stands, has no position at all.

Confused? Well, welcome to the contemporary Labour movement. And we haven’t even mentioned the divides in the unions, though their internal debate is easier to explain. It goes like this:

Union Member #1: Having a nuclear deterrent is a commitment to having the capability to obliterate entire cities and wiping out millions of people. That’s morally reprehensible.

Union Member #2: Yes. I agree. But… jobs?

Union Member #1: We’re talking about nuclear holocaust.

Union Member #2: Yes, which probably won’t happen. So, my question is: jobs?

Union Member #1: Dead people!

Union Member #2: Yes, yes, yes. But… jobs?

It’s the classic dilemma of the left. There is a policy which seems to be utterly morally reprehensible when we all want to join arms and sing the Red Flag, but if we were to change it we would cause sizeable unemployment for hard-working people on the lower end of the pay scale. It’s very much a lose-lose, and that’s before we talk in detail about whether the deterrent works or not.

Perhaps this is why Labour is outsourcing decision making to the ordinary members. It just seems like a lot of hard work.

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The North by North Westminster: The Lizards Who Rule the World Have Been Revealed

Friday 30^th October

There are those who are convinced that the world is run by unseen forces; that all of our political systems and markets and our very lives are controlled by malign, anonymous powers. Until this week, I have been utterly dismissive of this idea. But no longer, for I believe this insidious force has been uncovered this week. And it’s…

Lego.

Yes, the Danish, tiny brick manufacturer has a degree of influence which is terrifying. Firstly this week, they refused to supply a large order of bricks to the Chinese artist Ai Weiwei, saying that they don’t supply bricks for political statements.

Which is odd, because yesterday in Reykjavik, a summit of European leaders, including David Cameron, featured a number of activities, including making a duck out of six pieces of Lego.

See: at the same time, Lego is stifling freedom of expression, and influencing European statesmanship. They are the lizards who rule the world.

It makes sense when you think about it. After all, why do you think they built Legoland in Windsor? Saves on Liz’s travel expenses.

The New North by North Westminster Podcast is available here.

And here is a NByNW Balloon Debate - The Commons vs The Lords

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Chilcot is the Two Million Word Man

Thursday 29^th October

Poor John Chilcot. He is loathed by everyone.

He’s loathed by the public because he has taken too long to publish his report into the Iraq War.

He’s loathed by David Cameron because he has taken too long to publish his report into the Iraq War.

And he’s loathed by Tony Blair because he hasn’t taken long enough to publish his report into the Iraq War.

Today, he has finally revealed the timetable for the release of that report, and it’s going to be another eight or nine months before we see it.

This had led to more exasperation from all those who have waited patiently for answers, and Sir John seems to be the main target for their ire.

“This is so unfair,” he screams. “I’ve written two million words in this report. Two million! That’s seven-and-a-half times the length of Ulysses, the most infamously impenetrable novel of all time.”

“Yeah,” says Lady Chilcot, “but is your prose as soaring?”

“Right, that’s it!” he declares. “I’m rewriting the whole thing in iambic pentameter!”

The New North by North Westminster Podcast is available here.

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The North by North Westminster: Jeremy Whiteadder Chastises the Wicked Child from No 10

Wednesday 28th October

Fans of Blackadder will recall the episode where, on the same night, Edmund has to hold a piss-up in one room of his house, and stress his puritanical credentials to his aunt and uncle in another room. There was something of that in Prime Minister’s Questions today, as the Tories sounded like a bunch of yobs on the sauce, and Mr Corbyn sounded like Lady Whiteadder chastising with the phrase “wicked child”.

The issue was, as one would expect, tax credits. Jeremy wanted to know whether the Prime Minister could guarantee today that no-one would be worse off next year under the revised proposals. The Prime Minister responded that the honourable gentleman (note the lack of “right” in that title) would have to wait for the Autumn Statement.

The PM sat down to the tune of some braying from his rowdy supporters, before Jez hit back by asking the simple yes or no question again. The PM responded with the same answer, and sat down to the tune of some more braying.

Not showing any hint of exasperation, Mr Corbyn continued with “This is the time where we ask questions to the Prime Minister on behalf of the people of this country.”

At which point, one of the hoodlums from the Treasury Bench thought it was a good idea to shout out with a gibe. Jez gave his now characteristic glare over the rim of his glasses – a look which translates as “Wicked child!”

The pisshead-impressionists hollered at the perfectly calm Leader of the Opposition, who looked as though he was growing into his role in much the same way as his tie is growing into his collar. He stood for ten seconds waiting for the Tories to shut their gobs. He asked the question again, and the same uncommitted response came forth.

Jez asked the question a fourth time, and a female Labour MP shouted “Answer the question!” That really got the lads going, with some hooting and ooing. Honestly, their repertoire of noises is so bestial that it could be used by a sound editor on a David Attenborough programme.

This time, David Flashman thought it that a taunt of his own was in order. Citing the activity of the Lords earlier this week, he declared that there was a new alliance between “the unelected and the unelectable”. The party behind him loved that, roaring “More! More!”; clearly unaware that they sounded like a repellent rugby society.

Corbyn tried a different tactic, citing Michael Gove’s statement in the election that tax credits would not be raised. At this point, the thought occurred that the PM was reluctant to answer questions because the answer he gave on this very issue in the election edition of Question Time had come back to haunt him so. In his answer, where he evaded the question once again, he had the temerity to tell Mr Corbyn to “get off the fence”.

Against a wall of growling, Jez tried one last time to get an answer, this time with a question from Karen. At which point, Conservative MPs snorted their derision.

“It might be very amusing to members opposite, but I was sent this question by Karen” said Jeremy. And it turned out that Karen works full-time at the living wage. She would lose hundreds of pounds. Comedy gold, you will agree.

“I ask him for a sixth time,” sighed Corbyn, and for the sixth time answer came there none.

The New North by North Westminster Podcast is available here.

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Jakey Cries to Nanny

Tuesday 27^th October

The fallout from yesterday’s dramatic blocking of Tax Credit cuts by the House of Lords is in full swing. Gideon Osborne is wandering from news camera to news camera trying to looking like a sixth form swat who’d just been given detention, and in the manner of such smart alecs is raging at the injustice which has surely landed them in it, rather than focussing on his own lack of judgement.

But spare a thought for the no doubt exhausted Jacob Rees-Mogg, who has been speaking of this grand constitutional upheaval for a week now. At least, I think that’s what he’s saying. It sort of gets lost in a blaze of dates and names. He’s like a proto version of the Hulk. When he gets angry, he turns into a grey giant, lecturing on obscure history.

No doubt last night, he retired to home in and was greeted by his nanny bearing a mug of Ovaltine.

“I don’t understand it, nanny” he says. “Why can’t ordinary people understand the enormous violation of the privilege of the House of Commons, established in 1678? It speaks of the execrable state of our education system that the common man cannot converse on this. The sooner we carpet the provinces with Grammar Schools, the better.

“I fear the repetition of Earl Grey’s attempt to create more peers. He’s my favourite Prime Minister, Earl Grey. Such a fine name for a politician.”

“I don’t know poppet,” replies nanny. “Does this measure not attract the ire of 1702 resolution, codified as Standing Order 53?”

“Don’t be silly, nanny! Of course it doesn’t. Even a street urchin could see that. Have you been at the grog again?”

“Well I needed something to help me get through all of your speeches.”

The New North by North Westminster Podcast is available here.

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The North by North Westminster Diary: Lordy, Lordy. The Peers are the Champions of the Poor

Monday 26^th October

The House of Lords has awoken from its statutory slumber. The place which is normally used as a cure for insomnia has suddenly become a place of grand excitement, as they have voted to delay the Government’s highly controversial changes to tax credits.

This leaves George Osborne fuming and forced to present a number of transitory measures. In his press pool interview, he repeats the phrase “unelected Lords” like he was John McDonnell saying “embarrassing”.

Constitutional upheaval is promised, but what form that might take is as yet unclear. The hot favourite is that George and David will create many more of the “unelected Lords” they despise so much.

If you are interested in becoming a Tory peer, please send an application to:

I Want £300 a Day to Be Blindly Obedient

PO Box 0001

Westminster

SW1 1AB

For more detail on the ramifications and how the Queen’s Corgis may become involved, watch this clip from our forthcoming podcast here:

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The North by North Westminster Diary: TalkTalk Responsible for Being Victim of Breathtaking Crime

Friday 23^rd October

It’s all very convenient for the producers of the new Bond film Spectre.

Having crafted a film where the threat is in information and computers and basically casts the digital age as the ultimate battleground of non-state terror, they really needed a news story which could chime with the themes of the movie.

Enter TalkTalk, which has been assaulted by hackers who have taken vast swathes of data, including personal and financial details of customers. There has now been a ransom demand, blackmailing the company. As criminality goes, it is the equivalent of the Great Train Robbery, the Hatton Garden Jewellery theft, and the plot of Ocean’s Eleven all rolled into one and then multiplied several times over.

Customers are naturally worried and upset, but many have turned their fire on the company. One woman on the news said she was seeking another provider (fair enough) – one that wouldn’t “leak data by accident”.

“Leak data”? You mean like how the Millennium Dome leaked those diamonds when some crooks drove a JCB into it?

It’s a sign of the terrifying world we live in where there is such vulnerability, but also such a lack of understanding. Naively, we don’t seem to worry too much about giving our personal details to our banks, utility suppliers and so on, but do worry about governments having access to our Facebook. Concerning in principle, but if someone at GCHQ wants to trawl through all of the invites I get to start-up business, fringe theatres or, dare I say it, satirical Facebook Pages, best of luck to them. Perhaps they can let me know which ones are actually worth attending.

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