Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Election Diary - Day 24: Milifever Reaches the Heart of Tory HQ

Wednesday 22nd April
There's a new condition called Milifever or Milifandom. Symptoms include shortness of breath, elevated heart rate, and inability to handle the too sexiness.

Tory Campaign Director Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young was reaching the end of his tether. He had had enough of these amateurs, and this morning he had to give a dressing down to the amateur-in-chief. He poked his head out of his office.
“Shapps! Get in here! Tuck your shirt in! Do you top button up! And for the love of God, wipe that inane smirk off your face for once!”
“What did you call me in for?” asked the Tory Party Chairman, trying to look innocent.
“Is it true? About Wikipedia?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Did you, or a proxy of yours, maliciously edit the Wikipedia pages of senior political figures, including many of your cabinet colleagues, and me?”
“No,” said Shapps before his sniggersome grin broadened. “That does sound like a cracking wheeze though.”
“Look here Grant, or should I call you Michael? I don’t know whether you did do it or you didn’t. Regardless, I am going to make you write “I WILL NOT BE A SMUG, ADOLESCENT IDIOT” one hundred times.”
“That’s not fair!” exclaimed Shapps. “My mum’s going to hear about this.”

An aide popped his head round Lynton’s door.
“Lynton,” he said. “We have a problem.”
“How? Everything is just rolling along as planned. Meticulously, pedantically planned.”
“It’s Ed Miliband. He’s become a sex symbol.”
“Surely that was a joke?”
“No. It’s very real.”
The aide showed him a twitter trend called #milifandom.
It began with a girl who started a #milifandom and examples of tweets include “I love Ed Miliband so much it hurts” and “I dreamt about Ed last night”. One said: “this all started out as a joke but now i think i legitimately fancy ed miliband” (sic).
The high point of #milifandom is this Vine of the man himself, with the backing of “Careless Whisper”.

“This isn’t a problem,” said Lynton. “This is ridiculous. We don’t need to do anything about this.”
“But Dave isn’t sexy.”
“Well, nothing I can do about that. Get back to work.”
Finally Lynton was left in peace.

“That Vine was pretty funny,” thought Lynton. “I’ll watch it again.”
He watched it and a slight and somewhat warm smile broke across his face.

Lynton couldn’t stop looking at the Vine of Miliband. He couldn’t understand it.
He would stare into Ed’s eyes and get lost in them. “It’s like he’s looking into my soul,” he’d whisper.
Then he’d pull himself together, but two minutes later he’d be watching it again.

This was getting stupid. He couldn’t stop looking at all things Ed. He was trawling through #milifandom, and thinking bitchily about girls who were declaring their love for Ed. It wasn’t that he loved Ed. Of course not. But none of these girls could love Ed as well as he could.
If he did.
Which he didn’t.

To make himself feel better about things, Lynton was now looking at @cameronettes, a pro-David Cameron’s sexiness account.
It transpires that @cameronettes was started by a thirteen year-old girl who says “I actually think that the #milifandom was good at the start. But now its just a place you can go to slag off other politicians #cameronettes” (sic), which is particularly amusing as most of her tweets are, well, slagging off other politicians. However, such a lack of self-awareness could be forgiven in the wake of this tweet:

@cameronettes was a bit of a failure. There was only one picture of Cameron, and it was with One Direction. It wasn’t like @cooledmiliband, which was filled with loads of pictures of Ed looking dead sexy as Don Draper, Elvis and James Bond. Those pictures made Lynton giggle in a girlish sort of way. Others made him go weak at the knees, like this one:

It suddenly struck Lynton that @cameronettes was a little suspicious. It was spiteful, from an anonymous source and slagged off enemies as much as it bigged up its friends.
“No, surely not,” thought Lynton and he dashed across the office.
“What are you up to Grant?” asked Lynton, as the party chairman hastily closed down his Twitter.
“Nothing at all,” said Grant, with that silly grin on his face. "I was just checking up on my hero, John Terry."
Lynton stared at him with nothing short of rage. How dare he be at again? And how dare he be taking the mick out of Ed? Ed was good and pure and true.
“Christ,” thought Lynton, catching himself. “I’m going to go home. I’m not feeling too well.”

Lynton had tried a cold shower, but he could only hear the saxophone from “Careless Whisper” and dream of walking along the beach with Ed.
Lynton was crying. Ed had tweeted the founder of #milifandom. 

Indeed, and what they believe in is that Ed Miliband is a SEX GOD.
The flirt. Ed would never tweet Lynton, he thought.

Lynton’s wife came home to find her husband sitting on the floor, picking the petals off a flower going "He loves me. He loves me not." She asked what was up.
He just looked at her and said “I wish he knew I exist”.
“Ed Miliband.”
“He does know you exist, darling. He hates you.”
“No! YOU LIE! YOU LYING LIAR!” he screamed before running into the bedroom, locking the door and turning some George Michael up to 11.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

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