Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Election Diary - Day 30: Mili-Brand

Hats off to The Guardian for this
Tuesday 28th April
Move over Milifandom. You have been taken over by the Revolution. And the new face of the Revolution, is Her Majesty's Leader of the Opposition.

 6.00am
It was a rude awakening this morning for Ed Miliband, as he was banged over the head with a pillow by his wife Justine.
“What is it Justine?” he asked, deploying his smouldering eyes in a bid to calm her.
“You’re a bastard, Ed.”
“What have I done?”
“What were you doing at Russell Brand’s house last night?” she demanded.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Justine shoved her iPhone in his face, where there was a tweet showing the Labour Leader leaving Russell Brand’s house.

“You told me you were going to a meeting of the Fabian Society!” she said in almost a whisper of barely suffused rage. “What were you doing there? Comparing notes on how best to deal with your respective groupies like a couple of deviants?”
“No! Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but we had to keep it top secret. He’s going to endorse me in the election.”
There was a pregnant pause.
“Ed,” said Justine. “How stupid do you think I am?”
“It’s the truth.”
“But, Ed, that’s the most batshit crazy idea ever. Your problem is that people don’t know if they can trust you with the country, and you’re claiming that you’re trying to consolidate your position with the endorsement of some candy-floss anarchist. In a way, it would be better if you were just having a meeting of the Unlikely Sex Symbol Society.”
“I promise it’s true. I’ll ring up Rusty and he’ll tell you all about Mili-Brand.”
“What?”
“Mili-Brand. It’s kind of our thing.”
“Ed, I don’t know who you are anymore.”
“I am Vice President of the Revolution – Establishment Branch.”

11.00am
Happy Ed Balls Day! 28th April is the anniversary of the seminal Twitter moment when Ed Balls produced this tweet:

As a special present for the man today, the Office of National Statistics has announced that growth for the first quarter was 0.3%, representing a slowdown. Nothing makes Ed Balls happier than disappointing economic news he’s not responsible for.
However, Ed cannot be cheered because the other Ed’s visit to Rusty has grabbed all of the attention. So, rather than being able to talk about himself, he’s having to answer questions about Russell Brand. This, however, is but a hurdle for Balls to clear.
He says: “I have always been a fan of Russell Brand. And of Ed Balls. I’ve always thought he was funny. Russell Brand that is. But Ed Balls is funny too.”
Having established himself as the centre of attention, Ed then allowed modifiers to dangle. “Every now and then, like any comedian, he fires off left, right and centre and not all of them land. He had a pop at me and I had a go back, but frankly I’m sure if we sat down we could both agree: let’s get the Tories out."
It later transpired that he was talking about Russell here, however this is somewhat at odds with what Ed said in January, where he called Brand a “pound shop Ben Elton”. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Earlier in the election, Balls failed to remember that in January he had raised concerns about abolishing Non-Dom status. It seems that, to Ed, January is just another country of Balls.

12.15pm
David Cameron is still “pumped-up”, and his enthusiasm is infectious, as can be seen on the faces of his crowd here:
He’s talking a lot about GDP, but is ignoring the major issue: would he talk to Russell Brand? His response is definite and grammatically passionate: “Politics and life and election and jobs and the economy is not a joke – Russell Brand’s a joke! Ed Miliband, hang out with Russell Brand, he’s a joke. This is not funny. I haven’t got time to hang out with Russell Brand!”
However, when asked whether he would follow his Deputy PM’s example and go on Channel 4’s late night comedy show, The Last Leg, he says “I’ll give it some thought”. Now, that’s a joke.

3.54pm
The people need answers about Russell Brand. We crave them. It occupies our every waking thought.
Well, Ed Miliband is on hand so that we can understand about Brand. He explains: “I decided that some people were saying the campaign was too boring so I thought it would make it more interesting.”
Well, Mission Accomplished Ed! This is, without a doubt, the most interesting thing to have happened in 30 days of campaigning: you getting into a car outside some guy's house.
The Brand conversation was filmed apparently, and Labour are "looking forward" to the broadcast. Clearly the assessment has been "This election is too full of stage-managed bullshit, so let's replace that with some loopy, celeb-tastic, stage-managed bullshit."

 4.20pm
Ed Balls

 Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
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