Sunday, April 12, 2015

Weekend Election Diary: Days 13 & 14: The Further Adventures of Nigel and Tim

Saturday 11th April
Intriguing news from the world of nominative determinism. It appears that your voting intention may be largely down to your name. To illustrate this, you are 31% more likely to vote for UKIP if you are called Nigel.
Most tellingly of all, though, we have discovered that the name most likely to produce a Lib Dem voter is Tim. Which makes sense. It just is a Lib Dem name, perhaps best encapsulated by Tim Henman: well-meaning and involving a lot of public faith, but ultimately a bit useless when things get serious.

Oxford beat Cambridge in the University Boat Race. This causes a split in the Cabinet. As it does every year.

Sunday 12th April
It’s been a rough Sunday morning for George Osborne. Gideon, for it is he, was on The Andrew Marr Show, and was challenged about where the Conservative party was going to find its promised £8bn for the NHS.
An exact transcript of his response reads: “Ah, well, long-term economic plan, savings, responsible accounting, leprechaun, pot of gold, end of the rainbow, second prize in a beauty contest – collect £10, winner on the National yesterday.”
“You’re not answering the question, Chancellor.”
“Look, do you want the truth Andrew? Can you handle the truth?”
“Yes, I can George.”
“At 5pm on Friday, I received an e-mail from a member of the Nigerian Royal Family.”

Things look up for Gideon just before the end of the programme, when Labour’s Harriet Harman says that accusing Ed Miliband of backstabbing the nation is the sort of negative character assassination that just turns people of politics.
Andrew Marr chips in with “What about when you call him and David Cameron posh boys?”
“But they are!” replies Harriet.
“It’s still just prejudice and hardly substantive.”
“Fine,” says Harriet, before muttering under her breath “And Danny Alexander’s a ginger rodent.”

Devastating news. Joey Essex is not going to meet David Cameron. Joey is naturally upset, but says “I can’t say he’s not reem.” (I’m really growing to like Mr Essex).
This is another example of Cameron’s evasive attitude toward interviews and public scrutiny. First the debates, now Joey Essex. Clearly, the Prime Minister doesn’t wish to face the tough questions.

However, Mr Cameron is happy to announce his party’s new policy on inheritance tax, making it easier for middle class families to hand on their homes to their children. He sells the idea by saying that the desire to pass on your home to your children is a “natural instinct”.
Interesting plan this, particularly as Mr Cameron has three children and lives at Number 10, Downing Street. How are they going to sort that little inheritance out?

Narcissistic reality TV star and hat model George Galloway has been in the news after he struck a blow for justice this week by revealing that his Labour opponent in Bradford West, Naz Shah, lied to her prospective constituents about being subject to a forced-marriage when she was 15.
George has uncovered that Ms Shah was actually subject to a forced-marriage when she was 16. WHICH MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE. She might as well have claimed that she became subject to a forced-marriage last Tuesday.
We all know well that magical moment at midnight on your 16th birthday, when suddenly you become completely autonomous and are subject to your will alone (even when someone is FORCING YOU TO MARRY SOMEONE!), and only make decisions that you never, ever regret. It’s why no-one over the age of 16 ever drinks cheap cider, gets horribly ill and ends up in Mr McGregor’s field shouting “Put that fork down, Mr McGregor! I’m not even a rabbit!”
But I digress. Labour claim that actually Ms Shah was telling the truth, but Mr Galloway still insists that she is a fantasist and a deluded liar – the sort of character that Mr Galloway has no personal experience of at all.

A final election observation from yours truly. This afternoon, I was driving around London’s glorious M25, and was pleased to see the traffic was flowing more freely than usual. However, towards the turn off for Woking, there was one of those jams which have no cause over than people slowing down as the mood takes them.
If one is lucky, one may glimpse the reason of the distraction that lead to this spontaneous mass-braking. What I saw was one UKIP poster. Then I saw a second UKIP poster. Clearly, someone was really committed. The third UKIP poster rolled into vision, and then I saw there were no more UKIP posters. After which I noticed that the traffic had mysteriously cleared.
Now, there are two options here. Either people were slowing because they were downright disbelieving of what they were seeing, shouting obscenities and rubbing their eyes. Or maybe the UKIP poster is actually working. The purple and yellow combination is bewitching motorists to slow down and consider voting UKIP.
Or maybe most of the people who use that part of the M25 are called Nigel.

The guy in front of me was definitely called Tim. He drove at Volvo, at 65, all the way down the middle lane.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

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