Thursday, April 23, 2015

Election Diary - Day 25: Do You Ever Have Déjà Vu?

Thursday 23rd April
Didn't you just ask me that?

The alarm went off, and played “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher. It always played “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher.
Phil Robinson couldn’t quite believe it. Another day? What number was this? Day 25? What sort of tireless bore would cover this shit for 25 days? With 2 weeks more to go? Jesus! He felt so tired.
But he got up and headed to the office of his newspaper.

Clocked in on time – through the door at 7am, like every day. What’s on the table today?
A former PM has weighed in. Had that before.
What will the big hitters be talking about? The economy. Had that before.
“Long-term economic plan.” Had that before.
“Cost of living crisis.” Had that before.
“We will support hard-working families.” Had that before. “What does that even mean?” thought Phil. Does Osborne sit there going “Look at all those kids not putting in a shift. Only the families with chimney-sweeping minors get my support.”
“If I hear that one more time,” he muttered, “I’m going to take matters into my own hands.”
“Wait a minute,” he thought. “Didn’t I think this exact same thing yesterday?”

Time for Cameron’s morning speech, like every fucking day. And guess what? It’s in front of that same fucking blue background. He doesn’t go anywhere without it. Phil bet that before he goes to take a piss, a team of handymen go in to set up a blue backdrop with “Delivering for Britain” written on it.
Does he say anything new? Does he fuck? He says the same tired catchphrases as previous days. “SNP”, “Labour Debt” – all the old favourites, like some kind of Sinatra concert from purgatory.
Phil really was losing it this morning. He’d definitely seen it all before.

The (Independent) Institute for Fiscal Studies is giving a report on all of the parties’ economic plans. And – guess what? They’re all being vague and not telling the truth.
“Well, big woop,” thought Phil. “Even the independent commentators are like stuck records now.”
The report has criticised Labour, the Tories, the Lib Dems and the SNP for providing insufficient plans. This was reported by The Daily Telegraph as “Only a Conservative Government would Balance Books, says IFS”, whilst The Guardian went for “Tories have £30bn black hole in spending plans, says IFS”.
“How stupid do they think we are?” thought Phil. Still – it was the same as every day. EVERY DAY!

Phil was so depressed by lunchtime that he ordered everything. Everything. Burgers, fries, milkshakes, pancakes, eggs, a pot of coffee he drank straight from. He felt a devil-may-care attitude burgeoning within him.
A woman came to him and said “Don’t you worry about cholesterol?”
“I don’t worry about anything,” said Phil.

No-one was doing anything. It was like the parties had all decided not to campaign. Like they’d met in a room and agreed a ceasefire, resulting in a Hung Parliament and everyone refighting it in a few months’ time when the public might be more clear-minded, the indecisive gits.
Then he heard the phrase “Hard-working families” from one of the office TVs, and something clicked.
Phil just got up and walked out of the office.

Phil had tracked down the Labour Campaign Bus, and was just hanging around with his press pass on, biding his time. As soon as the driver nipped out for a fag, Phil jumped in and hijacked the bus and aimed for Dover.

“Don't drive angry. Don't drive angry!” shouted Phil as he tore across the most southerly fields in Kent.
He was now pursued by police cars, police helicopters, news-copters, a demented Norman Smith screaming into his camera “FINALLY! SOMETHING’S HAPPENED!”, a furious Ed Miliband who was shouting something about wanting his pimp wagon back, and a resurgent Jeremy Clarkson sensing an opportunity for career-revival.
The police were trying to hail him down, but Phil knew his escape was nigh. He could see the White Cliffs and he said farewell to St George’s Day by toppling over them in a blaze of glory.


The alarm went off, and played “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher. It always played “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

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