In the northern constituency of Sedgefield, a star from a bygone era is making his return to the stage.1
6.31am
“Tony, are you sure this is a
good idea?”
“Yes,” replied Mr Blair in his
dressing room, as he peered at his reflection in the illuminated mirror.
“Because, we were sort of hoping
to make today about the NHS.”
“Uh-huh,” replied Tony, as he
applied his foundation. “And are you worried that they're going to talk about the
EU instead?”
“We think everyone’s going to be
talking about you.”
“Really? Do you think?”, said the
former-PM as innocently as he could.
“Yes. It may get us off message.”
“But, if everyone’s talking about
me, that’s no bad thing. They like me. I won three elections after all.”
“Look, we appreciate it Tony. You
were Prime Minister. You were big.”
“I am big. It’s the politics that
got small.”
“Err… well, anyway, Ed would
rather you kept it brief.”
“I was going to do that anyway. I
have a speaking engagement tonight. Now, here’s the big question: mascara,
eye-liner or both.”
8.35am
It’s good news, bad news for
Natalie Bennett.
Good news: she got an interview
on BBC Radio 4’s The Today Programme.
Bad news: John Humphrys signed it
off by saying thank you to “Caroline Lucas”.
9.22am
NHS? Blair? Neither of these seem
to be engaging with voters as much as the humble hot dog.
During one of his many simple,
family barbeques with employees from Getty Images, David Cameron was seen
eating a hot dog with a knife and fork.
Which is the sort of thing that
you might initially gloss over, but, when you dwell on it, it just proceeds to
baffle more and more. Does he not trust himself to use his hands? And talk
about not tough enough to face Vladimir Putin? He isn't tough enough to handle a foot-long wiener.
In the interests of balance, though,
here is a photograph of Ed Balls eating a hot dog in the usual fashion.
Nothing crystallises the choice
at this election more than these two photographs. What rich pickings we have.
9.46am
Minutes to go until his speech,
and Blair is talking to a young Labour supporter backstage about his heyday and
his plans.
“Is this a comeback?” asks the
fresh-faced Blair-fan.
“I hate that word. It's a return,
a return to the millions of people who have never forgiven me for deserting their
television news screens.”
The young Blairite has never been
so enthralled, and he watches Tony agog.
“We didn’t need policies. We had
faces. Well, I did. But they took the idols and smashed them: the Blunketts,
the Mandelsons, the Milibands! Sorry – the David Milibands! And who've we got
now? Some nobodies!”
The teenager looks at him, the
sadness of the man.
“Do you want to be back, as a
power in the Labour party?”
Blair stared at him, with some
fire in his soul. “Without me, there wouldn't be any Labour party.”
10.30am
David Cameron is in Northern
Ireland at the moment. Today he is touring all four nations in the UK, and is currently visiting the set of Game of
Thrones.
Insert your own joke here.
10.35am
Backstage, Tony looks out from
the wings with a steely glare. The familiar glint lingers still, somewhere behind his
determined expression.
Just before he walks out,
he mutters “Let’s show them how it’s done”, and then it’s like an old
entertainer, returning to the stage and showing everyone he’s still got it.
Imagine Bruce Forsyth, if he’d committed any atrocities (apart from his hosting
of the later series of Strictly Come
Dancing).
He gets a standing ovation and he
begins:
“I can't go on with the speech.
I'm too happy. Mr. Crick, do you mind if I say a few words? Thank you. I just
want to tell you all how happy I am to be back at the podium doing politics
again. You don't know how much I've missed all of you. And I promise you I'll
never desert you again because after this election we’ll have another election!
And another election! You see, this is my life. It always will be. There's
nothing else, just us and the cameras and those wonderful people out there in
the dark. Alright Mr. Crick, I'm ready for my close up.”
12.00pm
At Labour HQ, there is an immediate
post-mortem of the speech.
“How was Blair?”
“He was good.”
“I see. I’m not sure how I feel
about that.”
“I know what you mean.”
“I never liked him, you know.”
“No, me neither.
“But he was so…”
“Electable?”
“Quite. I miss that.”
1.00pm
Mr Cameron takes a minute during one of his flights to ask
a Tory advisor about the day’s events.
“How was Blair?”, asks David.
“He was good.”
“I see. I’m not sure how I feel
about that.”
“Oh?”
“I always liked him, you know.”
“Yes, me too.”
“He was so…”
“Electable?”
“Quite. I wish I was that.”
4.59pm
On his way to his speaking
engagement, Tony listens with glee to the radio. His speech is well-received,
and regardless of his past and the controversy that surrounds him, he is
praised for raising the tone of the campaign.
The BBC’s Norman Smith says “So far we've really focused on a barrage of
statistics thrown back and forth by the two main parties. Tony Blair is almost
trying to raise the sights a bit and focus on a really big issue - the UK's
position in Europe.”
Tony smiles quietly to himself. “No-one
ever leaves a star,” he whispers. “That's what makes one a star.”
1 Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
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