Friday, May 1, 2015

Election Diary: Day 33 - The Coalition Tango

Friday 1st May
I ache for the touch of your lips, dear!
But much more for the power of your whips, dear!

Conservative Campaign Headquarters is going on into the night trying to spin The Leaders’ Question Time.
“Remember guys: the line is that Cameron is strong and commanding,” says Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
Everyone hustled and bustled trying to get the word out, but two aides are concerned.
“Piers, everyone’s saying Dave’s strong and commanding.”
“I know, Nathaniel.”
“And everyone’s tweeting exactly the same thing.”
“I know, Nathaniel.”
“That looks pretty stupid, doesn’t it Piers?”
“I know, Nathaniel. But it is a very strong, commanding way of being stupid.”

Ed Miliband stumbled into his hotel room, to discover Justine Miliband waiting for him.
“Did you see me on Question Time?”
“What’s your name?” asked Justine.
“Err… Ed.”
“Thank you for that question, Ed. It’s a really important question and let me tell you why.”
“You did see it then.”
“Why did you keep on doing that Ed? It was so formulaic. At times it sounded like you were going to say “What’s your name? Elizabeth? And what’s your number, Elizabeth? It’s a great number, Elizabeth, and let me tell you why.” Why do you keep on saying “Let me tell you”? Who’s stopping you? And you stood so close to the audience. Why? So they could smell the musk of your animal magnetism.”
“Look, Justine, let me tell you…”
“Stop it.”
“Alright. I’m going to brush my teeth.” The Labour Leader stood up and began to walk away, but tripped over, trying to cover it up by pretending to wave to Justine.

A phone rings out into the calm of the morning.
The Prime Minister answered it, pressing the accept button in a strong, commanding fashion.
“David William Donald Cameron!”
“You know it was my birthday a few weeks ago.”
“Yes. I got you a gift.”
“I know, darling, and I really do like the signed copy of the manifesto, but is that it?”
“I’m sorry mother, but as you’ll have seen on Question Time last night, owing to my dreadful inheritance there is no money left.
“What are you talking about? Your father and I left you plenty.”
“No, no. Not that inheritance. Didn’t you get the letter I sent you?”
“But that was signed by a Liam Byrne, five-years ago.”
“It’s still valid as a Get Out of Jail Free Card.”

Conservative Campaign Headquarters releases a statement:
“David Cameron had a strong, commanding breakfast of Scott’s Porage Oats (because he believes in the Union) and Bovril (the strongest, most commanding of hot drinks).”

David Cameron has described this as a “career-defining election”. Well, you can’t say that’s not honest.

There’s a lot of flirting going on. Admittedly, it’s a bizarre form of flirting: like between the last remaining survivors on Earth who don’t actually like each other.
Ed said flatly last night that he would never go out with Nicola. Nicola has sent him an angry text: “You know you’ll never be the man you want to be without me. Mark my words, you’ll come crawling back!”
Ed is saying he’s not going to be flirting with anyone. The tease. Is he playing hard to get?
Dave, meanwhile, has been rather cruel to his ex-wife, Nick. He rings the Lib Dem leader up and says: “Look, we’ve tried it, it was full of good times, but I don’t want to do it again.”
“Oh,” says Nick, trying not to sound hurt, before resorting to a little bit of emotional manipulation. “Well, I do want to do it again. I’m just not sure with whom.” Very coy.
Nigel Farage is coming out as a bit of a swinger. “I could get into bed with Dave. I could get into bed with Dave and Nick. Just so long as we all agree not to holiday on the continent.”
The mood is ostensibly celibate but, when all is said and done, Ed could have a clandestine affair with Nicola (no-one has to know about it, but they’ll cuddle up to each other every time there’s a division), Dave may just end up wandering around as Billy No Mates, whilst Nick will just try and get with whoever has the biggest mandate, like some kind of constitutional gold-digger.
So much for the darkened rooms of coalition negotiations. The best they can hope for is some candlelit rooms, adorned with rose petals and smooth jazz in an attempt to get the mood going, whilst the worst would find the leaders being treated like the pandas in Edinburgh Zoo, being forced to procreate, as it were, whether they like their partner or not.

The Election Diary will return on Sunday with the Weekend Round-Up. Summaries of the election so far will be released across the weekend.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.

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