Thursday 7th May
It is Polling Day, and owing to strict broadcast regulations, there is no coverage of the campaigns until polls close. The BBC explains that “Coverage will be restricted to uncontroversial factual accounts, such as the appearance of politicians at polling stations or the weather.”
So, here is that coverage.
The weather is cloudy. People, including Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage and Natalie Bennett have been casting their votes.
It’s brightened up a bit. People, including David Cameron and Nicola Sturgeon have been casting their votes.
The sun properly came out a moment ago, but there’s a cloud over it at the moment, which is a shame, or not depending on your point-of-view. People have been casting their votes. No famous people though.
It’s a lovely day now. People, including Nick Clegg, have been casting their votes. The Warner Brothers have been casting their couch.
It’s a day of waiting and sleeping for the party leaders. To be fair to them, they have been non-stop for almost 40 days and are cream-crackered.
Right now, David Cameron is fast asleep, Nick Clegg is as asleep as the dead and Ed Miliband Is too excited to sleep. Nigel Farage, meanwhile, is on a nap sponsored by Famous Grouse.
Some “Milibandits” have done this to David Cameron’s Wikipedia page.
At least they claim to be Milibandits. It might have been Grant Shapps.
As the sun begins to set, the party leaders are stirring.
“What time is it?” asked David Cameron.
“Coming up to quarter-past eight darling,” said Samantha.
“Going back to bed. This would be far too early for me on a good day.
“What time is it?” asked Nick Clegg.
“Coming up to quarter-past eight darling,” said Miriam.
“Oh, God. I hoped I’d sleep through the horror of it all.”
“What time is it?” asked Justine Miliband.
“Coming up to quarter-past eight darling,” said Ed. “105 minutes until the exit poll!”
“Then why the hell did you wake me up?”
It is pandemonium at the BBC, as they organise interviews to fill time between the exit poll and the actual results.
“We’ve got a problem,” shouts the editor. “There’s a five minute slot which isn’t filled yet. Nothing’s going to be said. Dimbleby’s just going to have to fill time.”
“Don’t worry. Maybe he’ll just get lost in the middle of a sentence and try to fill it with waffling, and if he gets lost then we can bring Robert Peston on to say words at half their normal speed. Failing that, we’ll go to the Swingometer.”
“Remember,” the editor insists, “We must call it the “Brand New Swingometer”, to make it sound more exciting.”
“Have we made it more comprehensible though?”
“No: less than ever!”
The polls are getting ready to close, and the party leaders are in an unenviable position now. In their living rooms, they are sat waiting and waiting for those all important exit polls, which will give the best indication of how their fate has been sealed.
Will it be a hung parliament? Will someone sneak a majority? Has Clegg held his seat? Will Farage become an MP? Will the SNP take every seat in Scotland? And how will the numbers add up for a potential government? The excitement is palpable. So much so that Lord Kinnock is warming up his vocal chords for a “We’re alright!”
We will probably have a very good idea in half-an-hour. The party leaders, though, will know any second now…
Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.