Thursday 7th May
It is Polling Day, and owing to
strict broadcast regulations, there is no coverage of the campaigns until polls
close. The BBC explains that “Coverage will be restricted to uncontroversial
factual accounts, such as the appearance of politicians at polling stations or
the weather.”
So, here is that coverage.
9.00am
The weather is cloudy. People,
including Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage and Natalie Bennett have been casting their
votes.
9.30am
It’s brightened up a bit. People,
including David Cameron and Nicola Sturgeon have been casting their votes.
11.00am
The sun properly came out a
moment ago, but there’s a cloud over it at the moment, which is a shame, or not
depending on your point-of-view. People have been casting their votes. No
famous people though.
11.30am
It’s a lovely day now. People,
including Nick Clegg, have been casting their votes. The Warner Brothers have
been casting their couch.
6.09pm
It’s a day of waiting and
sleeping for the party leaders. To be fair to them, they have been non-stop for
almost 40 days and are cream-crackered.
Right now, David Cameron is fast
asleep, Nick Clegg is as asleep as the dead and Ed Miliband Is too excited to
sleep. Nigel Farage, meanwhile, is on a nap sponsored by Famous Grouse.
7.45pm
Some “Milibandits” have done this
to David Cameron’s Wikipedia page.
At least they claim to be Milibandits. It might have been Grant Shapps.
8.11pm
As the sun begins to set, the
party leaders are stirring.
“What time is it?” asked David
Cameron.
“Coming up to quarter-past eight
darling,” said Samantha.
“Going back to bed. This would be
far too early for me on a good day.
8.12pm
“What time is it?” asked Nick
Clegg.
“Coming up to quarter-past eight
darling,” said Miriam.
“Oh, God. I hoped I’d sleep
through the horror of it all.”
8.13pm
“What time is it?” asked Justine
Miliband.
“Coming up to quarter-past eight
darling,” said Ed. “105 minutes until the exit poll!”
“Then why the hell did you wake
me up?”
9.00pm
It is pandemonium at the BBC, as
they organise interviews to fill time between the exit poll and the actual
results.
“We’ve got a problem,” shouts the
editor. “There’s a five minute slot which isn’t filled yet. Nothing’s going to
be said. Dimbleby’s just going to have to fill time.”
“Don’t worry. Maybe he’ll just
get lost in the middle of a sentence and try to fill it with waffling, and if
he gets lost then we can bring Robert Peston on to say words at half their
normal speed. Failing that, we’ll go to the Swingometer.”
“Remember,” the editor insists, “We
must call it the “Brand New Swingometer”, to make it sound more exciting.”
“Have we made it more
comprehensible though?”
“No: less than ever!”
9.30pm
The polls are getting ready to
close, and the party leaders are in an unenviable position now. In their living
rooms, they are sat waiting and waiting for those all important exit polls,
which will give the best indication of how their fate has been sealed.
Will it be a hung parliament?
Will someone sneak a majority? Has Clegg held his seat? Will Farage become an
MP? Will the SNP take every seat in Scotland? And how will the numbers add up
for a potential government? The excitement is palpable. So much so that Lord
Kinnock is warming up his vocal chords for a “We’re alright!”
We will probably have a very good
idea in half-an-hour. The party leaders, though, will know any second now…
Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
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