Election Diary: Day 36 - Milibandias Endorsed by Spark Notes Anarchist

Monday 4th May

8.10am

Ed Milibandias (you can trust him – he bought a stone) is on BBC Radio 4’s Today Programme. First up, it is the problem of a Labour government needing SNP support.

EM: Well, I want to put a Labour Queen’s Speech before the House of Commons, and I want to get a Labour majority for that Queen’s Speech.

John Humphrys: And you will need support to do that. You will need support from the Scottish National Party.

EM: There’s a very big bird out there.

John Humphrys: We’re in a radio studio in the middle of a building, Ed.

EM: What’s your name?

John Humphrys: It’s John. You know that.

EM: It’s a very important point you raise John, and let me tell you why I won’t be addressing it.

And on it goes.

By the end, Ed is fending off questions about the MiliStone. Humphrys says “A lot of people have laughed about it. Of course they have.”

“Well,” rejoinders Ed, “it’s got people talking.”

Indeed Ed, but when even The Guardian writes on its front page “There isn’t a single sentient being with connecting synapses anywhere in any planet in any universe who could think that was a good idea”, perhaps you should accept that yours is the worst stone since Sisyphus’.

10.30am

Problems for David Cameron this morning, and it’s not just having to work on a Bank Holiday.

Lord Scriven, a Lib Dem ally of Nick Clegg’s, has suggested that Dave told Nick privately that he couldn’t win a majority. Clegg won’t comment on whether this took place, and Cameron claims that he can win a majority. It is a pity that Dave didn’t admit that this conversation took place, as he would then have been a shoo-in for the 2015 No Shit Sherlock Award.

12.15pm

Russell Brand has told his band of non-voters to, well, vote. In a new video entitled “Emergency: VOTE To Start Revolution”. He has endorsed Labour and Ed Miliband in the General Election, having endorsed the Greens in Brighton last week).

The video begins with a summary of Brand’s “Politics Week”, where he has a go at the view of migrants as being a detriment to the economy (where evidence suggests otherwise), before going on to endorse a man who yesterday stood in front of a monolith which pledges in the vaguest possible way: “Controls on immigration”. And we know it will happen, because it’s on a stone.

Then there is an extra bit of the MiliBrand interview (a General Synod of the High Priests of Vague Catchphrases), and it’s Return of the Mockney, as Miliband says “You need a banking system… now, it’s gotta be done in the right way, and it’s gotta be fair”.

After the interview is over, Brand whole-heartedly backs Miliband. “What I heard Ed Miliband say is that if we speak, he will listen.” Very trusting, and no surprise. After all, the man bought a stone.

Expect thousands of revolutionaries to descend on polling stations on Thursday, before discovering that they have to register to vote.

So, Miliband has the questionable endorsement of a multi-millionaire pseudo-anarchist, who has hitherto told people not to vote. Not to worry, because they also have the endorsement of Alan Partridge. Well, Steve Coogan actually, who joins the list of celebs who are backing Labour.

Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Eddie Izzard, Stephen Fry, Stephen Hawking, David Morrissey, Patrick Stewart, Jo Brand, Janet Street-Porter, Ronnie O'Sullivan, David Tennant, Grayson Perry, Paul O'Grady, Jason Isaacs, Michelle Collins, Mathew Horne, Ben Elton, and Delia have all endorsed Ed Miliband, which means he now has more celebrity endorsements than Labour MPs who wanted him to be leader. It looks less like a campaign, and more like the invite list for a garden party.

The Conservatives, meanwhile, have an interesting array of endorsements. Can you spot the odd one out? Michael Bloomberg (American businessman and politician), Bob Dudley (American businessman), Tidjane Thiam (French-Ivorian businessman and former politician), Ron Dennis (businessman), Charles Dunstone (businessman), George Iacobescu (businessman), Stuart Rose (businessman), Paul S. Walsh, (businessman).

So, did you spot the odd one?

No, me neither.

4.40pm

The parties will be putting out their last broadcasts over the next few days, and they are trying to clarify the choice. The Conservatives assure us that if they are not elected it will lead to unprecedented apocalyptic chaos. Labour assure us that if they are not elected it will lead to unprecedented apocalyptic chaos.

The choice is indeed clear. It is disaster, or catastrophe. You all make up your own minds, but I look forward to Friday morning, and awaking in the land of Beelzebub.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.