30th March: Parliament is dissolved and the election campaign formally
begins.
6.23am
“It’s today! It’s today! Hell yeah!”
screamed Ed Miliband, as he ran downstairs to look for the special election
advent-calendar he’d made.
“Damn. Wrong kitchen.”
He ran back upstairs, to find Ed
Balls there, and day 1 of his calendar already opened.
Read the full article here.
31st March: Whilst Nick Clegg meets with Joey Essex, David Cameron gives
an interview in Heat Magazine, where
he reveals that he has stripped off to wrestle a rat in his kitchen.
7.25am
(BST); 9.25am in Moscow
“I’m rather busy Vlad,” said the PM.
I’m between interviews right now.”
“Why so many interviews?” inquired
the Russian President.
“We’re having an election.”
“Ah. I congratulate you on your victory.”
“I haven’t won yet.”
“Of course not. But how much will you
win by? 60%? 70%? 80%?”
“It doesn’t look like I’ll win
outright at all Vlad.”
“I don’t understand David. If you
want, you can use my election supervisor. He has many addresses and an army of
people who sign their name with an X.”
“It’s fine Vlad.”
“But I did not ring for this. I see
that you like naked animal wrestling too?”
“What?”
“Rats are not really animals David.
You must become like me. I wrestle the Russian bears. You must wrestle your
English lions. I can train you. Next time you are in Moscow, I shall take you
into special room in Kremiln. We shall start you off with ferret, then move you
onto elk. You will become strong, alpha male leader, and not at all in a – how
you say – homoerotic sort of way. David, are you tough enough? Come on: give me
a “Hell yes!””
Read the full article here.
1st April: The Daily Telegraph
publishes a letter signed by 103 business leaders who back the Tories, raising
concerns about their relationship with the business community.
6.33am
Ed Miliband is on the battle bus, and
it really does look like a battle bus. Think if National Express did Imperial
Star Destroyers.
It’s a big day for Ed as Labour have
a problem. 103 business leaders have signed a letter to The Daily
Telegraph which (surprise, surprise) backs the Tory-led government’s
policies and urges against a change of course.
“But I wooed them,” says Ed. “Two
days ago, I wooed them, by using their words without their permission and
telling them that I would really like them to like me.”
If there’s one thing Ed doesn’t like,
it’s betrayal.
Read the full article here.
2nd April: The day of the first debate, which ultimately ends in a
cacophonous free-for-all with no clear winner emerging.
5.00pm
And so the build-up continues to the
Rumble in Salford. We can expect a lot of blather, half-truths, and downright
“statistics”. However, we must applaud Nick Clegg for being an honest politician
today, no doubt inspired by his new admirer, Joey Essex.
When asked if he can revive 2010’s
Clegg-mania tonight he replied “I doubt it”,
before retiring for some final debate prep with his key-advisers, Eeyore and
Marvin the Paranoid Android.
Read the full article here.
3rd April: The day is dominated by the post-debate reaction, with most
focus being dedicated to Nigel Farage’s controversial comments about HIV/AIDS
sufferers.
0.00am
The Royal Family had been up all
night playing The Debate Bingo Drinking Game. The Duke of Edinburgh was in the
whisky cellar with Harry because he'd struck out, having had topics such as The
Corn Laws and The Ship Tax on his card. Harry, meanwhile, was in the whisky
cellar because… it was the whisky cellar.
Prince Edward had had to retire
early. He thought he was safe with his card, which had simply had the acronym
AIDS plastered all over it. "Surely no-one will mention that," he
thought. As such, he had had to down a bottle of tequila, and was being nursed
to sleep by the Countess of Wessex whilst he was singing “Torremolinos”.
This left a happy band, led by Her
Majesty who had given into her rampant socialist sympathies. “My favourite was
Mr Wilson. We agreed on so much. I told him “As its chief recipient, I am all
in favour of the Welfare State.” But this man Miliband is a shower. I like
Nicola Sturgeon. When Scotland eventually gets independence, I’m going to move
my official residence to Balmoral and hold the Prime Ministerial audience by
telegram.”
“But you’ll be dead by then,” said
Charles.
Liz smiled at him and lit up another
cigarette.
Read the full article here.
4th April: Easter
Saturday sees very little activity. A memo is leaked from the Scottish Office
which suggests that Nicola Sturgeon expressed a preference for a Conservative
government, an accusation she fiercely denied.
5.00am
Albert informs the French
Consul-General that The Daily Telegraph has a report on an
official memo detailing this alleged conversation. The Consul-General is
adamant that no such conversation happened, and therefore has to spring to
action. He takes his morning Cointreau and hurries downstairs.
“Vite, Albert, vite! We must head to
Madame Sturgeon to apologise in the classic French style. You bring the scooter
round. I’ll get the croissants.”
Read the full article here.
5th April: Easter Sunday. David Cameron fed a lamb. That is all.
Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
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