30th March: Parliament is dissolved and the election campaign formally begins.
“It’s today! It’s today! Hell yeah!” screamed Ed Miliband, as he ran downstairs to look for the special election advent-calendar he’d made.
“Damn. Wrong kitchen.”
He ran back upstairs, to find Ed Balls there, and day 1 of his calendar already opened.
31st March: Whilst Nick Clegg meets with Joey Essex, David Cameron gives an interview in Heat Magazine, where he reveals that he has stripped off to wrestle a rat in his kitchen.
7.25am (BST); 9.25am in Moscow
“I’m rather busy Vlad,” said the PM. I’m between interviews right now.”
“Why so many interviews?” inquired the Russian President.
“We’re having an election.”
“Ah. I congratulate you on your victory.”
“I haven’t won yet.”
“Of course not. But how much will you win by? 60%? 70%? 80%?”
“It doesn’t look like I’ll win outright at all Vlad.”
“I don’t understand David. If you want, you can use my election supervisor. He has many addresses and an army of people who sign their name with an X.”
“It’s fine Vlad.”
“But I did not ring for this. I see that you like naked animal wrestling too?”
“Rats are not really animals David. You must become like me. I wrestle the Russian bears. You must wrestle your English lions. I can train you. Next time you are in Moscow, I shall take you into special room in Kremiln. We shall start you off with ferret, then move you onto elk. You will become strong, alpha male leader, and not at all in a – how you say – homoerotic sort of way. David, are you tough enough? Come on: give me a “Hell yes!””
1st April: The Daily Telegraph publishes a letter signed by 103 business leaders who back the Tories, raising concerns about their relationship with the business community.
Ed Miliband is on the battle bus, and it really does look like a battle bus. Think if National Express did Imperial Star Destroyers.
It’s a big day for Ed as Labour have a problem. 103 business leaders have signed a letter to The Daily Telegraph which (surprise, surprise) backs the Tory-led government’s policies and urges against a change of course.
“But I wooed them,” says Ed. “Two days ago, I wooed them, by using their words without their permission and telling them that I would really like them to like me.”
If there’s one thing Ed doesn’t like, it’s betrayal.
2nd April: The day of the first debate, which ultimately ends in a cacophonous free-for-all with no clear winner emerging.
And so the build-up continues to the Rumble in Salford. We can expect a lot of blather, half-truths, and downright “statistics”. However, we must applaud Nick Clegg for being an honest politician today, no doubt inspired by his new admirer, Joey Essex.
When asked if he can revive 2010’s Clegg-mania tonight he replied “I doubt it”, before retiring for some final debate prep with his key-advisers, Eeyore and Marvin the Paranoid Android.
3rd April: The day is dominated by the post-debate reaction, with most focus being dedicated to Nigel Farage’s controversial comments about HIV/AIDS sufferers.
The Royal Family had been up all night playing The Debate Bingo Drinking Game. The Duke of Edinburgh was in the whisky cellar with Harry because he'd struck out, having had topics such as The Corn Laws and The Ship Tax on his card. Harry, meanwhile, was in the whisky cellar because… it was the whisky cellar.
Prince Edward had had to retire early. He thought he was safe with his card, which had simply had the acronym AIDS plastered all over it. "Surely no-one will mention that," he thought. As such, he had had to down a bottle of tequila, and was being nursed to sleep by the Countess of Wessex whilst he was singing “Torremolinos”.
This left a happy band, led by Her Majesty who had given into her rampant socialist sympathies. “My favourite was Mr Wilson. We agreed on so much. I told him “As its chief recipient, I am all in favour of the Welfare State.” But this man Miliband is a shower. I like Nicola Sturgeon. When Scotland eventually gets independence, I’m going to move my official residence to Balmoral and hold the Prime Ministerial audience by telegram.”
“But you’ll be dead by then,” said Charles.
Liz smiled at him and lit up another cigarette.
4th April: Easter Saturday sees very little activity. A memo is leaked from the Scottish Office which suggests that Nicola Sturgeon expressed a preference for a Conservative government, an accusation she fiercely denied.
Albert informs the French Consul-General that The Daily Telegraph has a report on an official memo detailing this alleged conversation. The Consul-General is adamant that no such conversation happened, and therefore has to spring to action. He takes his morning Cointreau and hurries downstairs.
“Vite, Albert, vite! We must head to Madame Sturgeon to apologise in the classic French style. You bring the scooter round. I’ll get the croissants.”
5th April: Easter Sunday. David Cameron fed a lamb. That is all.
Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.