Election Diary - Day 38: Over to You

Wednesday 6th May

1.30am

“I’m so tired Samantha,” said David Cameron, who was now more caffeine than man.

“I know darling, but why did you have to wake me up?”

“I’ve just been to a supermarket.”

“Did you remember the milk?”

“No. I was meeting people on the night shift, but I was so knackered. I just looked at the food and said “Oh, I like turnips”. I can’t go on like this.”

“Come here, darling,” said Samantha as she embraced him. “It’s just one more day of campaigning to go, and then a few weeks of wrangling before they kick you out of office and we can all go back to Oxfordshire.”

“I almost want that at this stage.”

“Really darling?”

He paused. “No. Not really. I like power.”

7.30am

For Ed Miliband, the marathon of a lifetime is almost over. Yesterday, footage emerged of the young Labour Leader as a student politician in Oxford from ITV local news, and now he is just two days away from perhaps becoming Prime Minister.

However, curiously he was known as Ted Miliband. Clearly this was before his mega makeover. Just look at this before and after.

Unrecognisable. But they are the same man, I swear it. After all, both Ed and Ted are fans of posing for the cameras in front of a background of stone.

As for David Cameron, his days at Oxford have been delved into a little further, with the discovery of this photo.

Yes, it’s a hitherto undiscovered Bullingdon Club photo. Which begs the question: did Cameron refuse to pose for any photos at University when not in white tie? Ted was clearly preparing for a career in politics whilst at Oxford. Dave appears to have been preparing for a role in Upstairs, Downstairs.

1.14pm

Telling looks in the eyes of the leaders today. Ed Miliband looks a little bit like a rabbit in headlights, terrified of screwing up at this late stage. David Cameron looks wired on all manner of stimulants. Meanwhile, Nick Clegg has the eyes of a hermit who knows he is soon to pass to a better place.

Talking of zealots, Nigel Farage is wandering through Kent as if he has had a revelation, chanting: “These shy-kippers: they’re real.”

People have been needlessly cynical about the notion of shy-kippers. It’s not that shy-kippers are embarrassed – what would they have to be embarrassed about? It’s that they are just very quiet about their opinions.

I mean, even Robert Blay, UKIP Candidate for North East Hampshire, is very shy about his opinions. Only in private would he reveal that he dislikes the idea of his Tory opponent (Ranil Jayawardena) becoming the first Asian PM so much that he would “personally put a bullet between [Mr Jayawardena]’s eyes”. How timid, but it turned out that the person he revealed this to was journalist for the Daily Mirror. The party has suspended him. If only he’d been even shier.

2.15pm

Harriet Harman has made a late, bold statement of belief in an attempt to convince the voters to trust Labour and vote for them.

She says, and I quote: “Telling lies is a bad thing.”

Like I said, bold.

4.31pm

The diary has noted the dire warnings the parties put out about their opponents being elected. This is as nothing compared to what their supporters are saying and doing.

We have seen Eddie Izzard and Jim Murphy attacked by aggressive protestors in Glasgow. Tory MP Charlotte Leslie’s family has been attacked, with 1,300 litres of oil spilt out onto her parents’ lawn. Throughout the campaign we have seen former Conservative MP Louise Mensch viciously bully the founder of #Milifandom, and there have been more than a few instances of violence involving UKIP. Social media is rife with hatred on all sides, and if anyone is brave enough to state what they think in a civilised way they are liable to be attacked, as actor Tom Conti found today having written an article about switching from Labour to Tory.

As the campaigning stops officially for the parties, it carries on with their supporters on Facebook and Twitter. Not all, but far too many of the same people who have bemoaned negative campaigning in politics, will tell their “Friends” and “Followers” that to vote for the party they disagree with is at best foolish, and at worst downright disgusting.

When support for the parties is evenly split it seems particularly stupid to hold to the belief that people who vote differently are either foolish or an accessory to evil. It is like walking into a room and deciding that two-thirds of the people there are in league with Satan. It is barely above the rhetoric of the Westboro Baptist Church.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.